A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for 1 pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager

"is this deal correct?"
"yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attatched"

An old man and his wife go camping for the first time... there they are, sitting by the cracking fire, and the woman says to her husband, "I think I shall go take off my bra since no one is around."
The husband says, "Why sure honey, go right ahead."
So the old woman disappears into the tent, returning a few moments later she poses in front of the fire... "How do I look?"
"Wonderful!" says he... "took all the wrinkles out of your face!"

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike.
The other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!" The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confess to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said.
The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute -- a white guy, a black guy, and a Jew. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay $10 an inch."

When the white man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$65 dollars," said the first.

The black guy goes in and returns with a fee of $95. The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.

"20 dollars", replies the Jew.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out."

Q. Whats the difference between your wife and your washing machine?

A. You don't have to hug your washing machine for twenty minutes after you dump your load in it.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"

John, an engineer at a manufacturing company, was well respected for his engineering knowledge.

When a new computer system was put in to help with the engineering duties, the brass at the company was given a demonstration of the new systems abilities.

To give the computer as test, the brass asked the computer a solve a difficult engineering equation.

The computer promptly responded back with the perfect answer, ask John.

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is....some flowers."

"That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy."

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"