I think I probably made every mistake in the then unwritten book! Here is a humble offering of simple reunion tips, given in the the hope it will lead to greater understanding. So you have finally found the address of the family member who you have been searching for ... perhaps for years. You have only to write that letter, pick up that phone, drive straight over and knock on their door, or get someone else to mediate for you...but of course, this may not be not as simple as it sounds! This is one of the first challenges in reunion of the many possible scenarios you will no doubt encounter! The first contact is important, as it will set the flavor of whatever comes next. Remember, the first impression the family member will have of you, is via this first contact! Difficult though it sounds, it may really help if you can try to put yourself in their shoes. Perhaps the person you lost through adoption is as anxious to find you, as you were to find them! But then...... perhaps not. There could be many reasons for this....... If you are the person searching, the found person may find your sudden appearance in their lives quite traumatic, as being found can raise all sorts of buried issues that they may have been unprepared to face. They might feel like they are losing control. You might feel like you are losing control! You are both exploring a new emotional landscape with few maps and a shift in identity. This can be quite frightening and can lead to a tightening of control by whoever is most affected. As Reunion is often very emotional, misunderstandings and hurt feelings can easily occur. Endeavour to listen well to each other and practice paraphrasing so that communication improves. We often bring a lot of emotional baggage to reunion, and we need to take care that we don't inadvertantly sabotage our relationships by being oversensitive or overly critical. Even though we are meeting with our flesh and blood, we are still meeting as strangers and real friendship and intimacy takes time and care to develop. Listening well can be the key, and caring and consistency can build a good foundation. What most adopted people and birthparents would advise, is to take reunion slowly and carefully. Consider all that is involved and prepare yourself! Finding a Person who has been Adopted Birthparents hope and pray that their child had a wonderful life. Sadly, this is not always the case. Some children who were adopted were very unhappy, and birthparents may have to face some harsh facts. Many birthparents, particularly birthmothers, dream of finding their child again and developing a close relationship. However, the past cannot be recreated. Their child has been raised by others. Their child has "parents" and birthparents have missed all their formative years. Some adoptees may have had wonderful lives with their adoptive parents and be happy and well adjusted, whilst others, who have suffered by being adopted, feel betrayed and angry, at their birthmothers in particular, at what they consider was an "abandonment." People who were adopted may feel confused and guilty about "betraying" their adoptive parents by wanting to have a relationship with you. Their adoptive parents raised them, and they may worry that any meeting with you would jeopardize that relationship. In some instances, this might actually be the case, as many adoptive parents feel very threatened when birthparents appear on the scene. Although, if they have been truthful and supportive of the adopted person's search for personal history, usually the relationship with adoptive parents actually improves when the adopted person meets biological family and discovers their personal history. Adoptees may distrust you because of your perceived abandonment of them, and therefore might feel its a risk to allow you back in their lives...you might leave again and hurt them more. Even if the adopted person is made aware of the circumstances of why they were relinquished to adoption, emotionally, they may have suffered from feelings of rejection. They may be holding a lot of suppressed anger. They may not even realize that these feelings exist, and may be surprised and confused by the strength and irrational nature of some of their feelings. What to do? Practice good listening skills. Educate yourself , so that you have some idea of what the adopted person may be experiencing. Read books written by adoptees about their experiences and feelings. Join a support group. They will provide valuable insights, especially a support group that includes adopted people. Read books by birthmothers and fathers, for insights into your own issues. If you have a computer, get onto the net and read more about reunions and adoption issues, and maybe you will discover some e-mail friends in similar situations. There are many online support groups, some public and some for invited participants.
If you are a person who was adopted, and you are searching for your birthfamily, chances are, you will initially be looking for your birthmother She is primary source of information of your history, both medical and emotional. Many adoptees often wonder where they get their looks, their talents, and their interests, all of which may vary dramatically from the adoptive family. Possibly, you have often wondered how your life might have been different if you had been raised by your biological family. Especially in difficult times in your childhood and adolescence, you may have thought that you would have been better understood, more loved and felt more part of your biological family. Some adoptees even believe that all their problems would miraculously disappear once they found their birthfamily. Sorry if this is your particular bubble, because this is just a fantasy. Reunion may answer some of your questions, but it cannot sweep all your problems away and often it opens the door to many other issues. Adoption holds many losses and a lot of sadness for both birthparent and the person who is adopted. Reunion is an opportunity to reconnect and to create a close relationship, but everyone involved will have to be prepared to put the time and energy into it, and often this requires a lot of courage and a willingness to hang in there when the going gets tough. Even though you may have found your birth mother, father...and other biological family members, you are all really strangers to each other. Try to be realistic in your expectations and you will experience less disappointment. Reunion may spin everyone concerned back in time. Emotions can run high and rationality can fly out the window. Everything that is said, written or heard, can be experienced so intensely, that it can feel as if your skin has been peeled off! You may feel very, very vulnerable and quite possibly, so will your birthparent. This makes developing a relationship very challenging! At times it may feel as if you are moving in a minefield...... I have heard this from both adoptee and birthmothers! Reunion is so emotional, that we often mishandle it..perhaps because we are so concerned that it won't work out, that we can bungle it, just by the fear that we will! Just because they are older than you, is no guarantee that your birthparents have resolved their issues. In fact, some birthmothers were so traumatized at losing their babies and by the cruel treatment they suffered, that they may be "stuck" in the past and unable to move on. In some cases, your birthparent may be reluctant to meet you. They may have repressed many feelings and may be re-traumatised at facing their grown up child. Meeting you may be an incredible dream come true, but it could also bring home very strongly, all the years that have passed without you. Many birthmothers are still burdened with shame and guilt because they didn't have a supportive man to "legitimize" them whilst they were pregnant with you. They were considered sluts and outcast by society, and they may worry that you will judge them too. In fact, many of the fears that birthparents face about reunion are very similar to those facing adoptees, because we are all just the opposite sides of the same coin. It is very difficult for someone who has not been adopted to understand adoption issues, just as it is for the adopted person to understand what it is like to lose a child to adoption. If we want reunions to work, we need a lot of patience, we need to be prepared to work through the difficulties, and practice a willingness to love and understand each other. What to do? Practice good listening skills. Educate yourself , so that you have some idea of what the your birthparents may be experiencing. Read books written by birthparents about their experiences and feelings. Join a support group. They will provide valuable insights, especially a support group that includes birthparents. Read books by other adoptees, for insights into your own issues. If you have a computer, get onto the net and read more about reunions and adoption issues, and maybe you will discover some e-mail friends in similar situations. There are many online support groups, some public and some for invited participants.
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