"Birthmother," "Biological mother," "First mother," "The woman who gave birth to me," "Natural mother," "Real mother," "Relinquishing mother," "The woman who gave me up for adoption," "Other mother," Whatever you want to call her, it was in her womb that the baby, who was later adopted, began its earthly experience.

"Crucified Madonna" (acrylic on canvas)

(sold, print available)

What kind of woman would give up her child for adoption? In the article, "Parental Loss of a Child," (Roll, Millen & Backlund) such a mother is referred to as "The Solomon’s Mother." This title was taken from an old biblical story of two women who asked King Solomon to settle the dispute of who was the actual mother of a baby both claimed as theirs. Solomon ordered the child to be cut in half and for each woman to take a piece. The real mother of the child yielded to the other woman, rather than see harm befall her child, and Solomon deduced her sacrifice was proof of her motherhood. (I would like to stress that the ideal of Motherhood portrayed in the story, is the nonpossessive caring love for the child. Most adoptive parents also feel this emotion. The other woman in the story is not meant to represent an adoptive mother) The article continues: - "The term "Solomon’s Mother," though not perfect, does reflect the psychological reality of offering up one’s child (for adoption) in the hope of making the child’s life better despite the prospect of great pain. It also addresses an historical injustice. In the biblical story, the lesson is that the people of Israel saw that the wisdom of God was in Solomon. The other unspoken and unheralded lesson is that women are often forced into a position of letting their children be separated from them under a real or imagined belief that the children will be better off."

“Social Worker’s Records”
Acrylic on board

For years I only came across blank walls in my search for my daughter. I was told that all hospital records had been destroyed. When the “Freedom of Information” laws were passed, miraculously my records turned up! These are some of the actual words that appeared on my social records. Spelling errors are included! Funny, that at 17, I was “emotionally immature” and had “unrealistic expectations” because I wanted to keep my baby!!

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In the days before contraception was readily available to young girls, and sex education was sadly lacking in schools and homes, many unplanned pregnancies occurred. Some of these young Mums-to-be married their boyfriends, either by mutual consent or "shot gun" marriage. (the young couple being forced to marry, usually by their parents) In some instances the marriages may never have happened if pregnancy didn’t push the guilt and responsibility buttons. Then there were the other Mums-to-be, the ones who would become ... "Unmarried mothers." In an era when unmarried mothers were seen as immoral, when illegitimacy was frowned upon, when financial, social, and often family support was withheld, many young women considered giving up their child for adoption as their only option. There were married women in financial, personal and/or domestic difficulties that also viewed adoption as the only solution to their untimely pregnancy. Abortion, in most cases was illegal unless a sympathetic doctor could be found who would consider the situation warranted risking their reputation. However, illegal abortions were available, usually at enormous cost and considerable danger to the pregnant woman. These "back street" abortions carried a fearsome reputation of permanent scarring, infertility and even death. Young girls who found themselves pregnant would seldom know the location of abortionists, nor have the money to avail themselves of their services. Even if abortion had been within their means, many pregnant girls would choose to give their baby up for adoption rather than abort. "Today the birthmother is asking us why, when we saw that she was carrying a heavy load, we pressured her to part with it instead of helping her find a way to carry it herself." (Anne B. Brodzinsky "The Birth mother’s Experience") Most birthmothers would dearly have loved to keep their babies, but little support was offered.....

“2 Pregnant Women”

(Impregnated Barbie dolls, timber and text)

In a Patriarchal Society, an unmarried pregnant woman is scorned, because she is a threat to the established order. Therefore, in the days of secret adoption practices, an unmarried pregnant woman was relegated to the very bottom rung of society, just in case she was entertaining any ideas that a woman had any worth without a man to legitimize her, and her baby. These days the same holds true if an unmarried mother doesn’t have sufficient money to protect her

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"Well, that’s what you get for playing up before marriage, or for being too poor, or otherwise desperate! Of course you"ll have to give it up! Don’t let anyone know about this. You’ve shamed the whole family. We’ll send you away to a home for unmarried mothers. After you’ve had it, you can come back and we’ll forget all about it. How could you do this to us? So you want to keep your baby? Don’t be ridiculous! How would you support yourself? What will people say? No one will want to marry a girl with a bastard. What will you do with the baby if you go out to work? Don’t you think the poor kid deserves a decent home with respectable parents? What? You still want to keep your baby? How can you be so selfish? If you really loved your baby you’d give it up for adoption. What can you offer? You’re just a kid yourself. Come on, be sensible. You want the best for your baby, don’t you? Just sign here, there’s a lovely couple waiting, just longing for a baby to love. Think of the baby’s best interests. Don’t cry dear, you’ll put all this behind you as soon as you’ve signed the papers. You’ll be able to start a new life and Baby will be happy and well looked after." Most birthmothers of adoptees were young unmarried girls. Many of these girls were still in school or newly in the work force. They had neither the assertiveness nor knowledge of their rights to demand anything for themselves. The coercion of social workers, parents and society often pushed them into adoption. The market for babies available for adoption was at a high premium. There was a long waiting list of people wanting to adopt. It is interesting to note, once the single parent’s pension was introduced in the early seventies and contraception was more easily obtained, the number of babies available for adoption declined rapidly. These days it is extremely difficult to adopt a white baby in Australia and many would-be adoptive parents now travel thousands of miles to places like Sri Lanka and South America to try and find a baby to bring home. And did those birthmothers of yesteryear ever forget about the child they relinquished and go back to their lives as if nothing had happened? I have yet to meet a birthmother who did not feel that relinquishing her baby was the most traumatic experience of her life with long lasting repercussions. The conspiracy of silence made it difficult for her to speak of her grief and loss and many birthmothers still suffer ongoing bouts of depression. She may still feel responsible for failing her child as a mother, and yet also be frustrated by her powerlessness to rectify the situation. At the time of the adoption, she may have been totally without support, and pressured from every angle to sign the adoption papers, yet she may still feel guilty and ashamed. The child is lost to her, but still lives as far as she knows, and so her grief cannot be resolved until she either hears enough information of her child’s welfare to ease her anxiety, or a reunion takes place.

"Hospital Staff" (acrylic on canvas)

"The Pillow" (acrylic on canvas)

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In many cases, unmarried mothers-to-be were heavily drugged and whisked away to another hospital without even being allowed to see their babies. It was hoped by hospital staff and social workers, that by denying mother and child eye contact and any holding, the birthbond would not be established, yet the grief, the feeling that an important part of life is missing, haunts most women who lost children to adoption.For many birthmothers, loss and sadness resurfaces intensely on birthdays and other special occasions when their child is painfully missing. Relationships with subsequent children can also be adversely affected by the adoption. Losing a child to adoption has been called the "Living Death." Adoption was the permanent severing of the child from the mother. The infant became the legal child of the adoptive parents. The secrecy laws meant that the birthmother would have no access to any information about her child’s amended name, welfare or whereabouts. However, despite the assured confidentiality, the adoptive parents often possessed the birthmother’s name on the adoption papers. This would indicate that the secrecy laws were more for the benefit of the "respectable" adoptive family and less for the "shameful" birthmother. In her "Adoption in N.S.W. an Historical Perspective" (summer 1984-85) Judy McHutchinson, the Co-Ordinator of the Association of Relinquishing Mothers, pointed out; - "The treatment of "unmarried mothers" has in many instances violated sections of the N.S.W. Crimes Act. One of the most pertinent sections is section 91." WHOSOEVER BY FORCE OR FRAUD, LEAD OR TAKE AWAY, ENTICES AWAY, OR DETAINS, ANY CHILD UNDER THE AGE OF TWELVE YEARS, WITH THE INTENT TO DEPRIVE ANY PERSON HAVING THE LAWFUL CHARGE OF SUCH CHILD, OF THE POSSESSION OF SUCH CHILD, ...................... SHALL BE LIABLE TO PENAL SERVITUDE FOR TEN YEARS." Earlier in the same speech Ms McHutchinson said, "The decision to allow mothers to sign the adoption consents three full days after birth was based on information from well-known social welfare workers who were concerned too much of a delay would allow mothers to be psychologically attached to their child and make the decision (to relinquish the child to adoption) harder." As many of us are now aware, this path was followed because it was considered that mothers who did not know what they were losing would offer the least resistance. It is well known medically that three days after the birth is the time when the post- natal blues set in. The Anthropologist, Margaret Mead referred to 2 or 3 days after birth as a time when mothers were at their most impressionable. How can any relinquishing mother have made considered decision when she was denied access to her child and expected to sign papers so soon after birth?"

"Chosen" (acrylic on board)

(sold, print available)

For many birthmothers the grief and loss seems to intensify with the years. The closer the time comes when reunion may be possible, the more they may dwell on what has become of their child. "I don’t even know if she’s still alive, what if she died last year?" "What if he doesn’t like me, how will I cope?" "I feel as if I have lost a part of myself." "God only knows what her adoptive parents have told her! She might be full of anger and resentment." " I just hope he’s had a happy family life, it’s what I’ve prayed for every day." "Does she think I gave her away because I didn’t love her? Will she be able to believe how much I wanted to keep her?" "What if his adoptive parents were cruel, how will I ever forgive myself?" "If only I knew she was happy and well it would lift a heavy anxiety from my heart." "I can’t wait to meet him, I only hope he hasn’t placed a veto!" "She might have children of her own, will she let me into their lives? "He could be anywhere in the world by now. I almost don’t dare to hope I’ll ever find him." Most birthmothers would dearly love to meet their children. For others, the prospect of facing anger and resentment from her grown-up child may be too daunting, and if there has been continued secrecy about the adoption and the birthmother has not shared her story with her family. She may be afraid of being exposed by contact. She may never have come to terms with the shame and humiliation she experienced in the past and she may feel unable to relive the event through a reunion. This birthmother may place a veto or be very hesitant about reunion. Her fears may fuelled by the guilt; shame and low self esteem that is the legacy of many relinquishing mothers. If you are a birthmother hoping for a reunion, or wanting to know how to go about tracing your child, you may find an adoption support group very helpful. Support groups welcome birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents and other interested parties to discuss and share their searches, experiences and feelings. Hearing others telling their stories and sharing your own, can be a very healing and empowering experience.There are also online support groups available, and some are exclusively for birthmothers, whilst others welcome all members of the triad.Online, you can read of other womens experiences and share when you feel ready to do so.It is important to remember that blame, guilt and fear keep the wounds of losing a child to adoption open, only forgiveness of yourself and others, heals

email: linaeve@austarnet.com.au

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