UPDATED MAY 24, 2008
SOME NEW WORDS FOR OUR NEW AGE
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it
was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down
in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray - painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at
three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit
you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Egermency: Rushing to the hospital to discover it was only a cold.
AND Ten MORE
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and
picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly)
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove'
all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one
armrest in a movie theatre.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to
give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here"
spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses
its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the
phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six
inches away.
11. CATUPUNCTURE (cat u punk' ture) n. A Tom Kneading to heal.
TEN TIPS TO WRITE GOOD
1. Use comma's only
when, needed.
2. Don't use no double negatives.
3. Prepositions are not to end sentences with.
4. Keep you're work neat and tidy.
5. Never abbrev.
6. Pronouns must agree with its antecedents.
7. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
8. Use commas to separate words in a series parentheticals introductory clauses
and the like.
9. Read over your work to make sure you have not out any words.
10. While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must nonetheless keep
incessant surveillance against such loquacious, effusive, voluble verbosity that
the calculated objective of communications becomes ensconced in obscurity.
REARRANGING LETTERS
DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER
LAZY
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house
that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in
plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Literate Putdowns
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston
Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -
Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E.
Leonard
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent
hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -
Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar
Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than
illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"Her intense jealousy is a slight for sore 'I's' " - John Christman
FROM MEDICAL CHARTS
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid ( ??? ouch )
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.THE PHONE CALL
The other day I went to work with both my ears bandaged.
My boss asked me what happened and I replied:
"I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone."
"Well," said the boss, "that explains one ear, but what about the other one?
"The person called back!"
BEST HEADLINES OF 2004
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Juvenile Court to Try shooting Defendant.
War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks High School.
Dropouts Cut in Half.
Hospital Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
NOTICE THESE NOTICES!
In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER . . PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAWING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL
BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS - PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS
FIELDS FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD
ON THE DOOR AS THE BELL DOESN'T WORK
TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flies do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
BACK WORDS
!edis gnorw eht morf siht ta gnikool era uoY
!enif tsuj si gnihtyrevE
!enilgaT siht edisni deppart m'I !pleH