THAT'S LIFE
LAST UPDATE MAY 24, 2009
CHEEKY!
There was a married couple who were
in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told
the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin.
The husband then donated some of his skin.
However, the only place suitable to
the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of
this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than ever before! All her friends and
relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her
husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He
replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your
mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
CONTACTS!
A policeman stops a lady and asks for
her license.
He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
NEWFIE HUNTERS!
Two hunters from Newfoundland, Clunny
and Seamus, got a pilot to fly them over to the North to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started to loadin' the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the
plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, the pilot let us put 'em
all on board, and ta be sure he had the same plane as yours!"
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a
few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Clunny asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"
'Bejasus, I tink we close enough to where we crashed last year."
THE FARMER INTERVIEW
A man owned a
small farm in
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here
for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90%
of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and
board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps
with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
THE POLICE RECRUIT
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
THE SANITY TEST
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub." Okay, here's your test:1. Would you use the spoon? or2. Would you use the teacup? or3. Would you use the bucket?"Oh, I understand," said the visitor."A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup."Scroll down for the Director's answer.-
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Here it is: "Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
RESEARCH
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
SOME BIZARRE BOOKS
"My Golden Wedding" by Anna Versary
"Crime does not pay" by Laura Norder
"A Load of Old Rubbish" by Stefan Nonsense
"Tape Recording for Beginners" By Cass Ett
"The Insurmountable Problem" By Major Sett Bach.
FOR THE QUESTIONING MINDS
What do you do with old prostitutes? Send them to the Virgin Islands for recycling.
Who is Santa Clause’s wife? Mary Christmas.
What did the pencil say to the eraser? Take me to your ruler.
How do you find out where the sun sets after it sets? Stay up all night and it will dawn on you.
What did the fish say to the chips? What are you so cut up about? Look at the battering they gave me!
What is a dimple? A pimple going the wrong way.
Why did the dogcatcher only catch very big dogs? He got paid by the pound.
How should you never greet a friend in an aeroplane? "Hi, Jack!"
What do monsters do when they lose a hand? They go to a second-hand store.
What did the river say when the elephant sat in it? Well I’ll be damned!
What do you get when you cross a camel and a cow? Lumpy milkshakes.
What do birds use to clean their nests? Feather dusters.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit’s hole? A hot cross bunny.
How do you cut through a tidal wave? With a sea saw.
How many coins does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.
What is the collective noun for a set of estimates? A bout
LIFE AND DEATH
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
BUT HEY, WHO'S COUNTING?
LATEST NEWS ON DEATH
-An
article from the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that living has been
decisively linked to death, including heart attacks and cancer.
-A
federally funded study followed more than 100,000 people, men and women in all
50 states, half of whom were pre-deceased and half of whom were dead.
-Researchers found the rate of fatal heart attacks, strokes, cancer and other
fatal illnesses was 100 percent higher among the living than among the dead. The
study noted that all the living people who succumbed to fatal illnesses had
previously been breathing, eating, drinking and sleeping.
-Researchers continue to probe whether eliminating any of these activities would
reduce the incidence of death among the living.
THE AFTER LIFE
There was this couple, Mary and John, who believed they would return in another
life.
They got married and, as part of their wedding vows, promised that if one died,
the other would attend a seance exactly four weeks later and contact the other.
Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow
and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:
Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he
there?"
Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"
Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"
John: "Yes, it's me."
Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"
John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime,
which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we
make love until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."
Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"
John: "I'm not in Heaven."
Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"
John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"
MY LIFE!
I want to live
my next life backwards!
I start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then I wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Next I get kicked out for being too healthy.
I enjoy my retirement and collect my pension.
Then when I start work, I get a gold watch on my first day.
I work 40 years until I'm too young to work.
I get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and am generally promiscuous.
Then I go to primary school, become a kid, play, and have no responsibilities.
Then I become a baby, and then...
I spend my last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions -
central heating, room service on tap, and then.....
I finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION AND HEALTH.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies!
1. The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
2. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
causes heart attacks.
THE VALUE OF A DRINK.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards
and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I
read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we
drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Wine is
proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in spilling your
drink while dancing.
"Without
question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is wine.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again
that you love them.
To some -
it's a six-pack!
To me it's a support group - salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving
the best for last,
as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers,
Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
GETTING BACK DOWN TO EARTH
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws
firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw
tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth
open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by
the furniture store on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see
if they have any hamsters.