TECHNOLOGY

COMPUTERS, CARS & TECHNOLOGY

For those of you who have had experience with computers and their glitches and idiosyncrasies, and downright illogical workings, you'll appreciate the following.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows of the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PUTER PROBS

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over.
Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was about to leave, I asked, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error? What's that - in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
 "No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ....:
I D 1 0 T

COOKS' BOOKS' TODAY'S TECHNOLOGY
1. ACCELERATOR: Microwave
2. ACCESS DENIED: Diet Time
3. AUTOEXEC.BAT: Cookies in your boss' car
4. BACKSLASH: Do to piecrust before cooking
5. BACKUP: Leftovers
6. BASIC: PBJ Sandwich
7. BATCH: Mess o'
8. BINARY: Buy nary, eat nary
9. BLOCK: Cake baked with no eggs
10. BOOT: Heat your oven
11. CACHE: Do when egg rolls off counter
12. CAD: Someone who promises to cook, then doesn't
13. CD: When you don't core apples before baking
14. CLUSTER: Kitchen advisors
15. COMMAND: Tell someone else to cook
16. COMPRESS: Knead
17. CONFIG.SYS: Have your sister figure it out
18. COPY: Double recipe
19. CRASH: Drop main course at big dinner party
20. CTRL: What you lose after crashing
21. CURSOR: Who you are after crashing
22. CUSTOMIZE: Add sprinkles
23. DATA: kind-a like-a fig-a
24. DEBUG: Check the flour before using
25. DIRECTORY: De place where de priest lives
26. DOCUMENT: After-dinner candy
27. DOT MATRIX: Dorothy's mother
29. DOWNLOAD: Pour batter into pan
30. DOWNTIME: Time while brownies are baking
31. ENTER: Put in oven
32. ESCAPE: Order out
33. EXPORT: Take leftovers to the neighbors
34. EXTRACT: Usually vanilla
35. FASTOPEN: Do to oven when you overbake
36. FLOPPY: Bake longer next time
37. FOLDER: Blender
38. FRAGMENT: What's left of brownies
39. GIGA-BYTE: Enough for an army
40. GOTO: As in "Goto restaurant when recipe bombs"
41. HELP: Julia Child
42. HIGH DENSITY: Forgot to fold in the eggs
43. HIGHLIGHT: Top with white icing
44. IMPORT: Borrow a cup of sugar
45. INTERFACE: Where a lady puts her dinner
46. LAPTOP: Eat only the icing
47. LOG ON: Cook in fireplace
48. LOGIC: Why somebody else should cook
49. MAINFRAME: Oven
50. MEGA-BYTE: Mouthful
51. MEGA-HERTZ: When you forgot to use a potholder
52. MEMORY: Forget it - use a timer
53. MENU: Surely you're kidding
54. MERGE: Nickname for margarine
55. MICROCHIPS: Serve with micro salsa

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE HI-TECH AGE

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2:00 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse - you're going to forward it to someone else.

MARKETING

The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Here it is:
-You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
-You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
-You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
-You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your body lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
-You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
-You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
-Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
-You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of the house in the middle and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

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