Quotes

-If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. George W. Bush
-It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. Ronald Reagan
-Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. Cora Harvey Armstrong
-The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. Helen Hayes (at 73)
-I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. Janette Barber
-Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. Lily Tomlin
-A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. Carrie Snow
-Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. Laurie Kuslansky
-My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck
-Old age ain't no place for sissies. Bette Davis
-A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. Rhonda Handsome
-The phrase "working mother" is redundant. Jane Sellman
-Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. Jennifer Unlimited
-Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton
-I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Jennifer Unlimited
-If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. Catherine ??
-When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! Kathy Buckley
-I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I'm also not blonde. Dolly Parton
-If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. Sue Grafton
-I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne Barr
-When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Elayne Boosler
-Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson
-In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
-I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem
-I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
-Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt
-Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. Lily Tomlin
- Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers

MORE Quotes
(FROM THE FAMOUS)

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” –  Woody Allen
“When I first met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was always!” Rita Rudner
“Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” Bill Cosby
“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” Roseanne Barr.
“I always wanted to be the last guy on earth - just to see if all those women were lying to me. “Ronnie Shakes
“A man in love isn’t complete until he’s married – then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor.
“”A bank is a place that will lend you money – if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope
“Money won’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemies.” Spike Milligan
“I don’t consider me bald. I’m just taller than my hair.” Thom Sharp
“I figure you have the same chances of winning the lottery whether you play or not.” Fran Lebowitz
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You’ll never get 8 cats to pull a sled through snow!” Jeff Volkes
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies!” Kermit the frog
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” Lili Tomlin
“Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the whole weekend.” Zenna Schaffer
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone, come and sit by me.” Alice R. Longworth
“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” Dorothy Parker
“I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.” Bette Midler
“I used to be Snow White but I drifted.” Mae West
“Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.” Ava Gardner
“I’ve been on a calendar - but I’ve never been on time! Marilyn Monroe
“I just had my visa card stolen. Now it’s everywhere I want to be.” Scott Wood
“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.” H. L. Menken
“I drink to make other people interesting. “ G. J. Nathan
“Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?” George Carlin
“Instant gratification takes too long.” Carrie Fisher
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams
“I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places.” Henny Youngman
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish!” Jerry Seinfeld
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” Phyllis Diller
“When you’re eight years old, nothing is your business.” Lenny Bruce
“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.” Dick Cavett
“When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.” Grace Allen
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you’ve given birth.” Erma Bombeck
“Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.” Rita Rudner
“If God meant for us to be naked, He would have made our skin fit better.” Maureen Murphy
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering whether there are men on base.” Dave Barry
“The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.” Martin Phill
“Everyone loves a good loser, especially if he is on the opposing side.” Milton Segal
“We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.” Robert Intensky
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” Sam Levinson
“If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?” Vince Lombardi
“I really didn’t say everything I said.” Yogi Berra

LITERATE PUTDOWNS
(Courtesy of LaVerne Wiles)

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang
"Her intense jealousy is a slight for sore 'I's' " - John Christman

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