WE MUST TAKE HUMOUR SERIOUSLY!
ONE LINERS 1 TO 1000
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'? 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 26. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 30. How is it possible to have a civil war? 31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? 33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 35. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? 39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 40. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?41. Life is one silly thing after another. Love is two silly things after each other.42. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get nervous and give the wrong answers.43. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.44. The best cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.45. If you get the urge to procrastinate, put it off.46. Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.47. The boss looks on me as a sort of consultant. He told me when he wants my advice, he’ll ask for it.48. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.49. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.50. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.51. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.52. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.53. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.54. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.55. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.56. I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.57. Allow me to introduce my selves.58. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.59. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.60. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.61. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.63. I plead contemporary insanity.64. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay cheques.65. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.66. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.67. Those who throw mud lose ground.68. Don't read everything you believe.69. I live one day at a time - but I'm three weeks behind!70. Silence is evidence of superb language skills.71. I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.72. Life's a gamble - so when do I get my chips?73. If you want to remember your wife's birthday, just forget it once.74. I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.75. Why didn't Noah swat those mosquitos?76. Many great minds should be closed for repair.77. God help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.78. Chocolate makes your clothes shrink.79. Our body cells renew while asleep. If only our wallets could do the same!80. Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.81. If you think today isn't such a great day - try missing it.82. Things improve with age. I'm approaching magnificent.83. Some days you're the bug - other days you're the windshield.84. If you don't change your mind - at least repair it.85. Veni, vidi, visa - I came, I saw, I shopped.86. I don't think, therefore I am not.87. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect. 88. I've got to sit down to work out where I stand.89. How does one expect the unexpected?90. The road to success is dotted with a heap of parking spaces.91. Some say I'm superficial - but that's just on the surface.92. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.93. I've got a mind like a.... a..... what's that thing called?94. I had low blood pressure. My doc sent me a bill. I’m fine now.95. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.96. Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 97. Life is too serious to be taken seriously.98. A government subsidy is just getting some of your money back.99. I’ve got to sit down to work out where I stand.100. “Can I ask you a question?” – “Yes, and that was IT!”101. If it’s not broken, let me have a crack at it.102. Veni, Vidi, Virus. I came, I saw, I wasn’t feeling too well.103. If God didn’t love procrastinators, why did He invent tomorrow?104. Square meals often make round people. 105. Give a sceptic an inch and he’ll measure it!106. Money isn’t everything. It isn’t even enough!107. You can’t scare me! I have children!108. The length of a minute depends on your side of the bathroom.109. I can handle pain - until it hurts.110. My belly never listens to advice.111. Biology grows on you. 112. Smell the roses - but watch out for the bees!113. Politicians are proof that nature gambles.114. Free lunches don’t come cheap!115. It’s lonely at the top – and there’s not much happening at the bottom either.116. It’s not the pace of life that concerns me. It’s the sudden stop at the end!117. Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your undies during fire drill!118. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may have to work!119. It’s what people don’t know about each other that make them good friends.120. Time is an illusion, especially when you’re on the internet.121. Never make predictions - especially about the future.122. Too many politicians. Not enough circuses.123. If you believe everything you read, you had better not read.124. Life is cheap. Except for the baby the doctor, the dentist, the undertaker and . . . .125. Life’s a mystery, and I don’t have a clue!126. I am leaving my body to science fiction!127. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.128. The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.129. I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound as they go flying by.130. What goes around comes around - unless you’re passing food to relatives.131. What would men be without women? Scarce, very scarce.132. My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex she objects! 133. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.134. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.135. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good!136. If it weren’t for stress, I’d have no energy at all!137. It’s no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember!138. My brain wishes my body had call waiting.139. Don’t let the sands of time get in your lunch.140. If today was a fish, I’d throw it back in.141. Imitation is the sincerest form of television.142. Heredity is ok until your children act like fools.143. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …..….. or something like that.145. Why are my shortcomings staying so long?144. When I was a kid, I always went the extra mile ….. but the teachers always brought me back.146. I’m writing an unauthorised autobiography.147. If all men are alike, why do women find it so hard to pick one?148. To err is humour.149. Never make the wrong mistake.150. Tomorrow is one of the greatest labour saving devices of today.151. Advice for worms: SLEEP LATE!152. To gain maximum attention, it’s hard to beat a good, big mistake.153. When all else fails, read the instructions.154. To err is human. To laugh at errors even more so.155. Everyone is gifted. Some just aren’t as well wrapped as others.156. Be sincere. Boast!157. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.158. United we stand, divided there’s a better chance of getting a seat.159. I’m not old, just chronologically disadvantaged.160. Mary had a little lamb - but with some potatoes and peas on the side.161. Some days are a total waste of batteries.162. Being tidy won’t kill you, but why take the chance?163. The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut!164. If you think it’s tough beating cigarettes, try beating cancer!165. Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?166. My mind is an open book but the wind flaps the pages!167. Do not disturb! I’m already quite disturbed, thanks.168. Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the CV’s in the bin without reading them.169. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.170. All dogs go to heaven. Cats watch them leave.171. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.172. If in doubt, make it sound convincing.173. I’m still waiting for the buck to get here.174. I’d enjoy morning more if they started later.175. Travel broadens. More often the butt!176. Remember, amateurs built the ark – professionals built the Titanic.177. I never insult anyone . . . . . . . accidentally.178. Reality is for people who are out of touch with comics.179. TV’s biggest challenge is filling in the time between commercials.180. Basically, ecology is about who eats whom.181. The meek shall inherit the earth – or at least what’s left of it when we’re finished.182. I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell who can’t.183. 92 percent of the time I’m right. Why worry about the other 7 percent?184. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.185. Life is full of big problems and little problems. Some days you get both.186. Confuse people. Start making sense.187. “Fifty year old, one owner, needs parts, make offer.”188. Who swims against the stream knows the strength of it.189. Shrink-wrap = a group of psychiatrists chewing the fat.190. I am not single, I'm romantically challenged. 191. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. 192. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. 193. You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.194. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 195. What the hell. Go ahead. Put all your eggs in one basket. 196. You can observe a lot just by watching. 197. What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens. 198. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. 199. I prefer old age to the alternative.200. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. 201. When it's dark enough, we begin to see the stars.202. All generalisations are dangerous, even this one. 203. Cult: not enough people to make a minority. 204. Swimming with sharks is OK. Just don’t bleed.205. I have principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.206. Love and marriage go together like a horse and carnage.207. Jumping to conclusions can be dangerous to your health.208. The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in traffic.209. I wish I had the time to be patient.210. I’m so busy that if you see me eating at a table – I’m on holidays!211. Constant change is here to stay.212. If bad priests are defrocked, why aren’t bad actors defamed?213. I’ve never met a mosquito that didn’t like me.214. Let he who takes the plunge remembers to return it.215. Some people are born to be heroes. Others are born to wave at them in parades.216. Work is for people who don’t have internet access.218. I’m proud of my modesty.219. I’m on the crest of a slump.217. I can go for more than seven days without sleep – so it’s a good thing I sleep nights.220. My bank called. It’s official. My yearnings exceed my earnings.221. Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? 222. My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.223. Start every day with a smile. Then you have the rest of the day to do other stuff.224. I don’t know how I got over the hill without making it to the top.225. Youth is wasted on the young.226. Rather than saying, “oops!” better to say, “ah, interesting.”227. The two most beautiful words in the English language are, “cheque enclosed.”228. Don’t believe everything you think!229. “Teachers, telemarketers – you can’t hang up on them.230. No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would.231. Bad spellers of the world untie! 232. You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me. 233. Life is too short to eat boring food.234. Life is a soap opera, only a little slower.235. Astronomers have stars in their skies.236. Where is the bright side people keep telling me to look on?237. Eat and the world eats with you. Belch and you eat alone.238. I’m not easy – but I can be tricked.239. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.240. What do you say to God when He sneezes?241. Blessed are the shouters for they shall inherit the floor.242. For more information, please read this message again.243. Save the world. It’s where I keep all my stuff.244. Snowmen come down from Heaven unassembled.245. Beautiful girls don’t bother me. I wish they would.246. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.247. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.248. Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.249. Never believe anything unless it has been officially denied.250. When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess. 251. A city without trees is not fit for a dog.252. Knowledge without wisdom is like stacking books on the back of an ass.253. It’s not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.254. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just someone with a torch bringing me more work.255. You never know what you can’t do until you try.256. You can fool some of the people all the time. These are the ones to concentrate on.257. We interrupt this marriage to bring you the football season.258. Good, fast, cheap. Choose two.259. I’ve forgotten more than I’ve ever learned.260. I think, therefore I am . . . . . . . disillusioned.261. If you can’t be first, be next.262. You get out of something what you see . . . . pictured on the box.263. The four rules for success: - 1: Never tell all you know.264. Scaldaphobia: fear the toilet will flush while showering.265. Patience comes to those who wait.266. Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.267. If you’ve got the cash, you’ve got the answer.268. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.269. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
270. Why choose between 2 evils when you can choose between 5 or 6?
271. A fool and his money are soon partying.
272. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
273. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
274. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
275. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
276. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
277. Half the people you know are below average.
278. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
279. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
280. A day for firm decisions! Or is it? 281. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
282. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
283. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
284. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
285. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
286. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
287. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
288. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
289. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
290. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
291. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
292. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
293. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
294. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
295. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
296. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
297. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
298. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
299. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
300. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
301 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
302. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
303. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
304. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
305. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.306. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.307. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.308. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.309. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.310. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.311. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.312. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.313. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.314. When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
315. It takes courage to admit to weakness.316. I must sit down and work out where I stand.317. He who laughs, lasts!318. The only pet my parents gave me was a peeve.319. Those who can, do. Those who can't get elected.320. Remember stressed is only desserts spelled backwards.321. I have a speech impediment - my foot!322. The toughest part of dieting is shutting up about it.323. Pessimism means never having to be disappointed.324. It takes time to save time.325. Teenagers - people so smart only other teenagers understand them.326. How to stop the drought? Make Monday to Friday the weekend.327. Work – what you do when you can’t fish.
328. Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.329. Things may be bad but they're better than next year!330. When I married “miss right” I didn’t realize her first name was “Always!”331. The food in a mousetrap is always free.332. Keep a clear head and always carry a light bulb.333. Don’t worry about middle age. You’ll grow out of it.334. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.335. Going at the speed of light is bad for your age.336. Life is a sandwich - and it’s always lunchtime.337. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
338. What is the best gift for the person with everything? A burglar alarm.339. Today is only the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.340. All I ever wanted was an unfair advantage.341. Ever notice how fishermen always worm secrets out of you?342. My eyes are so bad I have to wear contact lens to find my glasses.343. Hey - what if there were no hypothetical questions?344. The only thing I have ever planted is my tongue in my cheek.345. Success covers a multitude of blunders.346. The world is full of apathy – but I don’t care.347. Hope: enjoyment of the future in advance!348. That that is is not that that is not.349. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people’s attention!350. If at first you don’t succeed, call it version one.351. The only perfect science is hindsight.352. Tequila is the gulp of Mexico.353. Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.354. My computer is getting jealous of the time I spend with my wife.355. A day without sunshine, is like, you know, night.
356. Any time things seem to be going better, you have probably overlooked something.
357. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.358. Anything worth doing is worth giving to someone else to do.359. Charity begins at home – preferably my home!360. Death and taxes may be certain, but at least death isn’t annual.361. Deja flu – getting sick and tired of being sick and tired362. Despite the cost of living, it’s still popular.363. Everyone talks about apathy but no one does anything about it.364. Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen. 365. He who hesitates is last.366. How did the fool and his money get together?367. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.368. I got lost in thought ….. I was in unfamiliar territory.369. I have a thirst for knowledge. I’m just not sure what to drink first.370. I have the faith of a mountain that I can’t move it.371. I talk to myself because I like my company372. If all the world’s a stage, I’d like a bigger part. 373. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.374. If money grew on trees, there wouldn’t be much shade.375. If today is the first day of the rest of our lives – what was yesterday?376. If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.377. If you don’t succeed you will never be spoiled by success.378. If you live in a crevice, have you found your niche in life?379. I’m not cynical, just experienced.380. Is a sports fan an athletic supporter?381. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown & fewer still to ignore someone completely.382. Life – the brief interlude between nothing and eternity.383. Little Jack Horner’s problem was more serious than he thinks.384. Lottery – a tax on people who are bad at maths.385. Most women are not as young as they are painted.386. Not many people know how well known I am.387. Paranoia is heightened awareness.388. People who eat ice cream cones in cars are sundae drivers.389. Prayer is asking for rain. Faith is carrying an umbrella.390. Prediction is very difficult – especially for the future.391. Staying alive! Staying alive! - Dracula 392. Thank . . . . . . . . . (insert Deity here, atheists leave blank)393. The best things in life are duty free.394. There are two classes of people – those who divide people into classes and those who don’t.395. You know your diet’s working when postage stamps taste good.396. Variety is the life of spies.397. Veni, Vidi, Video – I came, I saw, I rented.398. What do a dyslexic and an atheist have in common? Both lie awake wondering if there is a dog.399. While money doesn’t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.400. Wine, women and cheese – all improve with age.401. Once the game is over, the King and pawn go in the same box.402. Enjoy your day before someone comes along and messes it up.403. A mummy: an Egyptian pressed for time.404. Living can take years off your life.405. If you’re ignorant – at least you’re constantly surprised.406. Children come from God. He can’t stand the noise either.407. Every ambitious man is a captive and every covetous one, a pauper.408. An optimist built the airplane. A pessimist invented the parachute.409. Money isn’t everything – but it keeps the kids in touch.410. Veni; Vidi; Video – I came, I saw, I taped what I saw.411. They told me I was gullible. I believed them.412. A little knowledge . . . . . isn’t enough.413. The average person thinks he isn’t.414. Cynics smell the roses – then look for the casket.415. I have engaged the enemy. The wedding is next Saturday.416. I think, therefore I’m single.417. Light travels faster than sound; which is why some people appear bright until they speak.418. All historical books which contain no lies are extremely tedious.419. Misery loves company, but never foots the bill.420. Okay, I’m weird. But I’m saving up to be eccentric.421. I’m never happy if there’s something to ignore.422. Anything is possible, except of course, the impossible.423. After two weeks of dieting, all I lost was two weeks.424. Anything can happen, but usually doesn’t.425. Loving to love comes when we stop loving to hate.426. Ever notice how many are just dying to get into the cemetery?427. Know thyself – but don’t tell anyone.428. Eve; "You put my best pants in the salad!"429. Failure is not falling down; it is not getting up again.430. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.431. On the other hand, you have different fingers.432. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.433. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?434. I drink to make other people interesting. 435. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.436. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.437. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.438. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.439. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.440. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.441. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.442. Honk if you love peace and quiet.443. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.444. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 445. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.446. He who thinks he knows everything really irritates those of us who do!447. The loudest sound of all is a ..... whisper.448. The hardest thing to give is ....."IN".449. If you want people to notice your faults ..... start giving advice.450. When you're through learning ..... you're through.451. I'll find it in ten minutes ..... even if it takes all afternoon.452. Can you afford to give someone a piece of your mind?453. Due to technical difficulties ..... tomorrow has been postponed indefinitely.454. You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.455. Be enthusiastic! It's better to wear out than rust out.456. I'll never get lost! Someone is always telling me where to go.457. If life’s a banquet, I’m still hungry!458. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.459. The pen is mightier than the sword – until it runs out of ink.460. So many cheques – so little money.461. Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.462. What appears to be an optical illusion just appears that way.463. If two wrongs don’t make a right - try three.464. If you feel like a fish out of water, maybe you’re not a fish!465. Be spontaneous – combust!466. Life is fragile – handle with prayer.467. Don’t count your cheques before their cashed.468. Beware the sheep in sheep’s clothing.469. The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.470. If you can't speak softly - just use the stick.471. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.472. You're never too old to learn something stupid.473. Bad weather is God's way of saying, "Take the day off!"474. The theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it.475. I'll try anything once . . . . too often.476. Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think. 477. I'd feel a lot better if I wasn't so sick.478. I like leaving messages before the beep.479. I’m not a complete idiot – several parts are missing.480. My next big break will probably be a hip!481. Some women get excited about nothing – then marry him.482. I think, therefore I’m overqualified.483. Anyone can handle a crisis. It’s everyday living that kills you.484. Barbers work for shear pleasure.485. I'm in shape. Round is shape.486. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 487. You're not deaf. I'm chewing gum.488. Life is a maths class. Solve one problem, get another.489. No problem can be too large or too difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.490. Speed kills. Slow just injures.491. 1960's - "What's your star sign?" 1990's - What's your e-mail address?"492. The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.493. We don't have to explain something we never said. 494. Unemployed teachers have no class and no principals.495. Work is for people who don't like to fish.496. If it weren't for me, there would just be a pile of clothes on the floor.497. If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, is it still a joke?498. The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.499. Kids need two dogs. A large main dog, and a small backup one.500. Who remembers when we used to rest on Sunday instead of Monday?501. I'd tell you a fish story but you can't see my hands.502. Veni, vidi, verse. I came, I saw, I recited poetry.503. I'm having the sort of day when I feel like a one-legged man on a bike.504. I'm growing older but not up.505. Nothing makes a weekend seem better than hindsight.506. The world is coming to an end. Repent! And return those library books.507. I was poor at history but great on dates.508. I am willing to learn but hate being taught.509. Everyone has a price. Some hold bargain sales.510. Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.511. Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job.512. Be different – conform513. Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense.514. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.515. What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.516. The way some people find fault, you would think there was a reward.517. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.518. The problem with reality is the lack of background music.519. Many are called but few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.520. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.521. Egotists suffer from I strain.522. You can always get someone to love you even if you have to love yourself.523. Money won’t buy happiness but it will pay for the consultant to advise on the problem.524. I have faults but being wrong isn't one of them.525. Ad nauseam: commercials that make you sick.526. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.527. People should stop saying should.528. Age is just a number. Mine's unlisted.529. I'm not over the hill. Just around the bend.530. All things are relative. All relatives are things. My relatives have got all my things.531. Virtual intelligence: thinking you know everything.
532. I used to think I was wrong - but I was wrong!533. Life is the only game in which the object is to learn the rules.534. Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper.535. If at first you don't succeed, you'll get plenty of advice.536. The nice thing about standards is there are so many to choose from.537. I'm never too busy to stop talking about how busy I am.538. Total strangers need love too and I am stranger than most.539. The one thing I can't stand is intolerance.540. If we were really humble, we would know we are liars!541. A budget helps you pay as you go - as long as you don't go anywhere!542. If you actually look like your passport, you aren't well enough to travel.543. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 544. The future is like the past only more expensive.545. If it's heavy, it will hit your toe first.546. A big enough hammer fixes anything.547. Pushing 40 is enough exercise. 548. Leftovers: deja chew 549. Bigamist: A man who keeps two himself. 550. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport "terminal?" 551. Veni, Vidi, Vegie. I came, I saw, I had the salad.552. I am just a country boy. I was brought up on a funny farm. 553. We're all on the road to Eternity and I reckon I'm in the passing lane.554. I've got a photographic memory but it's out of film.555. If it wasn't for disappointments I wouldn't have my appointments.556. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.557. Never miss a good chance to shut up.558. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from poor judgment.559. Short-sighted =ability to see midgets in a crowd.560. With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome and you sing well too.561. Never do today what you can delegate tomorrow.562. And God created chocolate - and it was good.563. Amazing how TV fills in time between commercials!564. If necessity is the mother of invention, who is the father?565. Democracy – mob rule with income taxes.566. Nothing is so good that someone, somewhere, won’t hate it.567. I got a life. I ordered it on line.568. Be sincere – even if you don’t mean it.569. There’s no future in time travel.570. Robinson Crusoe got everything done by Friday.571. The sleek shall inherit the earth.572. If you can’t be a good example, be a horrible warning.573. Me a sceptic? I trust you have proof!574. Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.575. Syntax – another word for conscience money.576. As long as there is a high school certificate, there will always be prayer in public schools.577. I don’t know what I want, but odds are you’ve got it.578. Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humour.579. Likes and dislikes are among my favourites.580. If it wasn’t for electricity, we’d have to watch gas TV!581. If something is new and improved, which is it?582. He who never gets carried away, should!583. In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal!584. The past looks better now than when it was here.585. If Darwin’s theory is true, what are we evolving to?586. Anything can be funny as long as it is happening to someone else!587. A fool and his money are never around when you need him!588. A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame!589. Some days it’s tough just keeping up with the losers!590. Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.591. When you’re feeling good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it.592. I’d enjoy daylight savings more if it started later!593. You can only hold your stomach in for so many years.594. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.595. Some people quit looking for work when they find a job.596. He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.597. The best thing about middle age is that you outgrow it.598. What if the Hokey Pokey is REALLY what it’s all about?599. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.600. Jogging my memory is about as close as I get to exercise!601. A fool and his money are soon elected.602. Speed kills. Slow just infuriates.603. Why experiment on animals when there are so many politicians around?604. I’ve got a mind like a . . . . . . a . . . . . . what’s that thing called again?605. My haystack had no needle!606. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
607. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 608. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery. 609. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 610. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 611. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.612. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 613. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody. 614. No amount of advance planning will ever replace good luck. 615. Money can’t buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. 616. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 617. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 618. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. 619. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it. 620. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 621. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 622. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 623. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 624. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 625. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 626. Optimism is great while it lasts!627. Life is uncertain – eat the dessert first!628. Blessed are the cracked – for they let in the light! 629. First things first – but not necessarily in that order. 630. Fast is never fast enough. 631. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 632. Gravity always wins. 633. It’s an ill wind that gathers no moss.634. There are two kinds of people.
1. Those who believe others would be better off believing as they do. 2. Those who are dead.635. How come wrong numbers are never busy? 636. When all else fails, lower you standards.637. If all else fails, stop using all else!638. I didn’t do it – and I won’t do it again.639. For a talk on technology dehumanization, press 4.640. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.641. Why did the bees strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter flowers.642. What doesn’t kill you merely postpones the inevitable.643. I’ve gotta be me! Everyone else was taken.644. Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.645. Cross the river – THEN insult the alligators.646. Non-conformists are all alike.647. Surely hard work must have killed someone!648. He who hesitates is frost. (Eskimo proverb)649. I am really quite tolerant of your fruitcake-like beliefs.650. First rule of marriage: if you’re right, apologize fast.651. Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.652. Friends are the rubber duckies in the bathtub of life.653. It’s déjà vu all over again.654. Being normal is driving me crazy.655. I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate – I’ve got it all!656. My best memories are of the past.657. Why marry for money if you can borrow it cheaper?658. Baked beans – the gift that keeps on giving.659. Confidence is the feeling you have before understanding the situation.660. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.661. If you don’t find the going easy, you’re probably going down hill.662. Nostalgia was much better when I was a kid.663. Lead me not into temptation. Just tell me where it is.664. It’s a jungle out there. Try not to look like food.665. Only those attempting the absurd will achieve the impossible.666. On the road to knowledge, I’ve only ever found the exit.667. Retired teachers have no class.668. Life is a journey. Are we there yet – are we there yet?669. Only the young die good.670. I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just how I am.671. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?672. If it wasn’t for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn’t know how happy he isn’t.673. If I look as bad as I feel – I don’t want to see me.674. The secret to a successful life – panic slowly.675. I used to be indecisive, but I don’t think I am now.676. At 45, even food for thought is fattening.677. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 678. I’m an optimist, but I don’t think it helps much.679. Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.680. If you can’t say something nice about somebody, ever think about being a gossip columnist?681. The greener grass next door is just as hard to cut.682. Youth is fleeting, but immaturity can last a lifetime.683. Work. What you do when you can’t fish.684. Diets. Here today, gaunt tomorrow.685. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
686. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
687. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
688. When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
689. When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
690. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
691. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
692. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
693. Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
694. It’s what you learn AFTER you know it all that counts. 695. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
696. Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
697. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
698. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you
699. 43% of all statistics are worthless.
700. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
701. I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
702. There are no accidents – only plans other people don’t tell you about. 703. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
704. Clones are people two.
705. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
706. Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.
707. Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
708. First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
709. Failure is the first step to success.
710. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
721. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
722. Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.723. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.724. I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman! 725. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.726. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?727. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.728. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?729. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?730. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.731. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.732. One out of every three humans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.733. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.734. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.735. If you can talk brilliantly about a problem, it can create the illusion that it has been mastered.736. If cannibals cooked politicians they'd have to use a crock pot.737. Some people are wise and some are otherwise.738. Yesterday is a cancelled cheque. Tomorrow is a promissory note. Today is ready cash. Use it.739. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 740. Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins, you can’t imagine the smell.741. Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference. 742. I hate washing the cat. I can’t stand the taste of fur.743. Being so humble doesn’t do much for my ego!744. Never talk tough to a guy with a flat nose.745. Never make promises you haven’t already kept.746. Where there’s smoke there’s . . . . . . probably dad cooking.747. “A la carte” – you can have what’s on the trolley.748. Do not follow me, for I may not lead. Do not lead me, for I may not follow. Go over there somewhere.749. Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.750. Theatre is art – film is life – television is furniture.751. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.752. “Sorry – what was the part after ‘listen carefully?’”753. The more sins you confess, the more books you will sell.754. My life is like a musical comedy – but without the songs and most of the jokes.755. Old painters never die. They just get the brush.756. Foresight: Knowing when to shut your mouth before someone tells you to.757. The only difference between the insane and the normal people is that it takes longer to notice how insane the normal people are.758. Tomorrow is the busiest day of the week.759. A friend in need always finds your phone number.760. To err is human; to forgive – get legal advice first.761. Life may not be a party, but while we’re here we might as well dance.762. Abandon the search for truth. Settle on a good fantasy.763. If your life was on a video, would anyone want to rent it?764. If you’re not living life on the edge, you’re taking up far too much room.765. Discoveries are made by not following instructions.766. What is a “tiz” and how do I get one?767. In the old days, I was young and foolish. Now, I am old and foolisher.768. In my next life, I’m going to have more memory installed.769. Save Santa a trip. Be naughty.770. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.771. If you’re not part of the solution, there’s good money in prolonging the problem.772. Never put off until tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.773. Don’t outlive your money!774. I think: I get headaches.775. If you can’t raise the drawbridge, lower the river.776. Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.777. Boys will be boys, but so will a lot of middle aged men!778. Even moderation should not be practiced to excess!779. The main problem with mental notes is the ink dries too fast.780. The cost of timber is so high these days it’s hard to believe it grows on trees.781. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.782. If only the good die young, what does that say about grandparents?783. I ask for so little out of life. Funny how that’s exactly what I get.784. Nowadays I’d settle for the fountain of middle age!785. There is no commandment that says you can’t talk with your mouthful.786. Wisdom is knowing when to avoid perfection.787. Fool the politicians. Lie to the pollsters.788. Some people have a way with words while others – er – um – ah – thingie.789. Politicians don’t lie, cheat or steal – unnecessarily.790. You live on the edge? I fell off ages ago.791. The best things in life are not things.792. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left over from those who got there first.793. There are no stupid questions but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots!794. What are “time flies” and why do they “like an arrow?”795. Knock hard. Life is deaf.796. Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free. 797. A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.798. The meek shall inherit the earth . . . . after the politicians are through with it.799. I can’t complain . . . . but sometimes I still do.800. Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.801. No one has skin colour that matches a band-aid.802. Just between you and me – there’s nothing between you and me.803. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.804. When my wife wants an opinion, she removes the duct tape.805. Smokers are just like everyone else - - just not for as long.806. Tact is the art of making a point without making enemies.807. The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.808. If all the world’s a stage, who’s on props?809. The less you do, the less can go wrong.810. These days, my idea of “roughing it” is not having sugar in my morning coffee.811. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.812. My doctor said I was paranoid. Well, he didn’t actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.813. If you ain’t different, you ain’t normal.814. I went to San Francisco and found someone’s heart. Now what?815. If all is not lost, where is it? 816. Silence is not only golden, it’s seldom misquoted.817. I had amnesia once – or twice.818. Admit your mistakes before someone exaggerates them for you.819. Want your children to listen? Talk softly to someone else.820. If all the world’s a stage, I want better lighting and script approval.821. My weight is perfect for my height which varies.822. Work 8 hours and sleep 8 hours, but not the same 8 hours.823. Baldness. Hair one day, gone tomorrow.824. Take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.825. Avoid criticism. Say, do and be nothing.826. There are more important things in life than having a little money, and one of them is having a lot of money.827. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. 828. Don't be humble. You're not that great.829. There is no time like the pleasant. 830. Sometimes the best helping hand is a good, firm push. 831. Learning from your mistakes is smart. Learning from the mistakes of others is wise.832. Tomorrow is hereby cancelled due to lack of interest. 833. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.834. The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. 835. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 836. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 837. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. 838. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 839. If the opposite of pro is con, what is the opposite of progress?840. Life exists for no known purpose.841. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else. 842. Two Wongs don’t make a white.843. Better late than really late.844. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 845. Dead fish go with the flow.846. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. 847. If I look confused it's because I'm thinking. 848. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. 849. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 850. Spelling is becomming a lossed art.851. People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people. 852. I doubt, therefore I might be. 853. Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.854. Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice. 855. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 856. I drink to make other people interesting. 857. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out. 858. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 859. Drive defensively - buy a tank. 860. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.861. Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.862. Welcome what you can't avoid. 863. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. 864. If you are going through hell, keep going. 865. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. 866. Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit. 867. Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay... 868. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. 869. In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.870. Life's a bleach and then our hair dyes. 871. Entropy isn't what it used to be. 872. Examine the spoken, not the speaker. 873. Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 874. Attitude determines your altitude. 875. Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself. 876. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 877. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.878. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. 879. Dyslexics have more fnu. 890. A good pun is its own reword. 891. Sure, when….. – “oink” flap “oink” flap - well I’ll be darned! 892. If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit. 893. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 894. If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 895. Maybe this world is another planet's hell. 896. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 897. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 898. Think much. Speak little. Write less. 899. If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.900. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. 901. Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. 902. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 903. Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. 904. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 905. Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. 906. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today. 907. If we stopped trying to be happy we might have a pretty good time. 908. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 910. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? 911. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 912. If at first you don't succeed, quit. Don't be a nut about success. 913. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. 914. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 915. Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine. 916. Best not to test the depth of the water with both feet. 917. Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost. 918. If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. 920. Bald guys never have a bad hair day. 921. If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 922. Too much of everything is just enough. 923. Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember. 924. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 925. This sentence contradicts itself – no, actually it doesn't. 926. If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 927. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 928. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. 929. Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. 930. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused. 931. A majority might only mean that all the fools are on the same side. 932. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. 933. Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch. 934. An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 935. The future will be better tomorrow. 936. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.937. Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. 938. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 939. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 940. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy but socially dead. 941. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
942. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 943. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.944. A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. 945. Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. 946. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig. 947. If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 948. Some people hope to get what they deserve, while others fear the same. 949. The truth is out there – but I forgot the URL!950. There are ten kinds of people in the world . . . . those who understand binary and those who don’t.951. Leap of faith – bungee jumping with a bible.952. Too busy to laugh? Then you are too busy.953. There are three ways to become a millionaire. 1. Inherit it 2. Earn it. 3. Sue.954. Confucius say: “Man with one chopstick go hungry.”955. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.956: Being ignorant means constantly being surprised.957. This is just one humble opinion. Collect all ten.958. Justice may not be blind – but it can do with glasses.959. Money can’t buy love but it sure can make some people more likeable!960. A procrastinator’s work is never done.961. We must believe in free will. We have no choice.962. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.963. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?964. I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better.965. It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks that way.966. I don’t mind my husband having the last word. I just wish he’d get to it!967. I would rather be a pessimist and wrong than optimistic and wrong.968. Life is television. My television.967. Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.968. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have the longer you live.967. Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.968. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?969. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?970. You may be the only person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.971. Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened. 972. Save the earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.973. If you can’t stay healthy, find an illness you like.974. You’re an adult when you can remember when . . . 975. If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it.976. Everything will be alright in the end. If it isn’t, it’s not the end.977. Old too soon – smart too late.978. Tell the truth – but keep the motor running.979. I was educated once and it took me years to get over it.980. Don’t let yourself suffer needlessly – find a need to!981. Put the blame where it belongs! On someone else!982. I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less!983. It’s all very simple, or it’s all very complicated – or perhaps it’s neither . . . . or both?984. My parents say they went through hell! And I never got so much as a T shirt!985. The odds are a million to one of my being one in a million.986. I have gone out to look for myself. If I should return before I get back – hold me until I get here.987. The person who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.988. Someday I’ll get my big chance - - or have I already had it?
989. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
990. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
991. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
992. Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.
993. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
994. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
995. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezing, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
996. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
997. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
998. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
999. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
1000. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
FOR THE NEXT THOUSAND