OH THE IRISH

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said,
"you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim; But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda, He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee"

Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Halloo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Osama paused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Osama asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.
"Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph," said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin,' Mr. Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.'

Drunken Patty staggers into a Catholic church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Patty continues to sit there.
Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
Patty mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in the Midwest, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about "The Man Who Orders Three Beers."
Finally, a week later, the bartender approaches the subject on behalf of the town.
"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia.
We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer,
and soon the "Man Who Ordered Three Beers" became a local celebrity and a source of pride to the village,
even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.
This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers.
The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man,
"Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.
You know - the two beers and all...”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my brothers are alive and well.
Just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Tony Blair is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Tony, John Prescott here.
Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sheffield has burned to the ground.
It is estimated that the entire British supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Shit John - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... America?"
"No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!"
"What about Ireland?"
"Maybe - but we don’t want them to know that we are stuck.
You call Bertie Ahern - tell him we need one million condoms;
coloured red, white and blue; twelve inches long and an inch thick!
That way he'll know how big the Brits really are!!"
John calls Bertie, who agrees to help the Brits out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street - full of boxes.
A delighted Tony rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds condoms; 12 inches long; 1 inch thick, all coloured red, white and blue.
Then he notices in small writing on each and every one
.............. MADE IN IRELAND SIZE: MEDIUM

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.
I really didn't mean to hit you."

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.

I'll give him the three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there as before.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guys says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf.

If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know they were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well, says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A discovery in an old Dublin pub could change the way traditional Irish dancing is performed.
Workmen, renovating the property, discovered a previously unknown manuscript

hidden behind some panelling in which was written:
"Irish dancing, Volume II - What to do with your hands.":

IRISH TWINS

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma.
The coma continued for nearly 6 months, but then she suddenly woke up, alarmed to find that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantic, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
This caused the woman some concern, with the thought -- "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" -- flashing through her mind.
With some trepidation, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."

ARTERY                              THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA                    BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA
BARIUM                              WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN PATIENTS DIE
BOWEL                               A LETTER, LIKE A,E,I,O,U
CAESAREAN SECTION                A NEIGHBOURHOOD IN ROME
CAT SCAN                           SEARCH FOR KITTY
CAUTERISE                       MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HER
COMA                                A PUNCTUATION MARK
D&C                         WHERE WASHINGTON IS
DILATE                       TO LIVE LONGER
ENEMA                       NOT A FRIEND
FESTER                      QUICKER
FIBULA                       A SMALL LIE
GENITAL                      NOT A JEW
G. I. SERIES                    A SOLDIER BALLGAME
HANGNAIL                    A COAT HOOK
IMPOTENT                     DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
LABOUR PAIN                 GETTING HURT AT WORK
MEDICAL STAFF              A DOCTOR’S CANE
MORBID                      A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATES                     CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE                         WAS AWARE OF
OUTPATIENT                  A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR                    A FATHERHOOD TEST
RECOVERY ROOM                  PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM                      DANG NEAR KILLED ‘EM
SECRETION                    HIDING SOMETHING
SEIZURE                      ROMAN EMPEROR
TABLET                       A SMALL TABLE
TERMINAL ILLNESS                 GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
TUMOUR                       MORE THAN ONE
URINE                         OPPOSITE OF “YOU’RE OUT”
VARICOSE                     NEARBY
VEIN                           BIGHEADED