MISCELLANEOUS

Last update: October 26, 2009

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 100 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
8. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
9. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'' 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
10. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy!"
11. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
12. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great. The world's your oyster - go for it."
13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
14. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
15. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
16. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
17. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
18. Teacher: "What’s a country starting with "Q"? Student: "Cuba!"
19. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
20. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
21. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
22. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
23. No one ever says it's only a game when their team is winning.
24. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
25. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
26. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
27. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
28. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
29. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
30. What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
31. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
32. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
33. A mummy - an Egyptian pressed for time.
34. I went to the cemetery the other day and saw four men carrying a coffin. Three hours later I saw the same four men with the same coffin. Thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

EVER WONDER. . . . .

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for that indestructible black box?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" - if flying is so safe?
If there would be a better world with more weekends than weeks?

The bear

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a rum ...................... ................................... and coke."
The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno... I've always had them."

THE PROXY FATHER

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers." Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................ 
Ms Smith:  "Good morning."
Salesman:  "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."
Ms Smith:  "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman:  "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith:  "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman:  (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith:  "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman:  "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith:  (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman:  "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.
Ms Smith:  "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman:  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.  In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith:  "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman:  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith:  "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman:  (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith:  "Oh, my!!"
Salesman:  "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith:  "She was?"
Salesman:  "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith:  "Four and five deep?"
Salesman:  "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman:  "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith:  "I just can't believe it."
Salesman:  "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith:  "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman:  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"

IMAGINATION
 

Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture . "We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out. Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination Limited'?"

THE OLD CASTLE

A young American tourist goes on a tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some dark cobwebby rooms and passages. "Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I was here." "How long is that?" asks the girl. "About 300 years."

THE FLIGHT

After the flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop to London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So - sit back and relax and ....OH MY GOD! Silence followed. Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry I scared you. While i was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" One passenger yelled, "By heck, you should see the back of mine!"

WHAT MY MOM TAUGHT ME

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your tea ."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

EH?

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it’s Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

WHAT?

A man was telling his neighbor,
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty." 

ABUNDANCE?

Silver in the hair - gold in the teeth - stones in the kidneys - sugar in the blood - lead in the feet - iron in the arteries - and an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas. Did we ever think we are accumulating such wealth???

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ADDED ADS

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

THE GENIE

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish"
The man sat and thought about it for awhile and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel ....No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

PAWNING a valuable

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 for it." "But I paid a million dollars for it.," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

William tell

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we will never know from whom the the tells bowl!

the THIEF

A thief broke into a local police station and stole all the toilets, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

the CONFESSIONAL BOX

A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it has been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side!"

the ANTIQUES

"See the latest additions, Fred - this vase goes back to Henry VIII - and that table goes back to Louis IV!" "Wow," says Fred, "I had a chair go back to K Mart once!"

the UNWELL Indian chiEf

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."

the VIKING EXPLORER

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a long voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken a Leif off my census."

from the radio:

-Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
-Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
-When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and up after.
-Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

the LEGAL EAGLES:

   A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then INSURED them against FIRE, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
   The lawyer sued... and WON!
   HOWEVER - - - -
   In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".
   NOW FOR THE BEST PART - - - -
   After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
   This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. 

MICK FROM DUBLIN

Mick appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000. "You've done very well so far," said Eddy Maguire, the show's presenter. "but for a million dollars you've go only one lifeline left so phone a friend. Everything is riding on the question...will you go for it? "Sure" said Mick. "I'll have a go." Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A) Sparrow; B) Thrush; C) Magpie or D) Cuckoo?" I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin." Mick called his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm bloody sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Eddy, I'll go wit cuckoo as me answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Eddy. "Dat it is sir." There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won one million dollars!" some time later, Mick invited Paddy to the pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was it was da cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a bloody clock!"

HALF A HEAD

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ass wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "Really?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dimwit, someone stole tent!"

LETTER FROM A FARM KID -
A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT

Dear Ma and Pa,

  I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
  Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again.
  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "rot march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
  The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
  This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
  Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Siler Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
  Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
  Your loving daughter,
  Lorraine

THE BET

The local pub patrons were confident their bartender was the strongest man around so they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass then hand the lemon to a patron. anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. many people - weight lifters, warfies, etc. - had tried over time but no one could do it.  One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a truckie, a wieght-lifter or what? The man replied, "I work for the tax department."

A MAN'S HEART

When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new car!

A BUSH OOOPS

One morning, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
And what may I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
He replies, "How about a quickie?"
"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude ! ... You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only started your second term!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

ZILLIONS!

Rumor has it that G.W. Bush, after being briefed by Donald Rumsfeld about the loss of a Brazilian in Iraq today, lowered his head into his hands - & teary eyed
looked at a startled Donald Rumsfeld, asking, "Tell me again, how many is a brazilian?"

THE ROSE

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking. One said, "Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would highly recommend it." The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love - you know, the one that's red and has thorns?" "Do you mean a rose?" Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled. "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

WHEN WILL THE BUCK STOP HERE!!!???

GUIDELINES FOR ENLIGHTENMENT TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY
by Swami Beyondananda - Famous Author of the Book MY KARMA RAN OVER MY DOGMA

1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laugh at least twice a day, and that will ensure regular hilarity.
 2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner!
 3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel.
 4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
 5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*
 6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be no madness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. YES!
 7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.
 8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.
 9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe. The good news is: it has been left unlocked.
 10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so we don't have to go through channels.

TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

-Helium was up.
-Feathers were down.
-Paper was stationary.
-Florescent tubing dimmed in light trading.
-Knives were up sharply.
-Cows steered into a bull market.
-Pencils lost a few points.
-Hiking equipment was trailing.
-Elevators rose while escalators continues their slow decline.
-Weights were up in heavy trading.
-Light switches were off.
-Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
-Nappies remained unchanged.
-Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
-The market for raisins dried up.
-Coca Cola fizzled.
-Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
-Sun Peaked at midday.
-Balloon prices were inflated.
-Toilet paper touched a new bottom.
-And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

FROM THE WORLD'S NEWSPAPERS

1. Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a gas bill, a spokesman said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2. Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
3. A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common." (The Times)
4. At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help. the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
5. Mrs. Irene Graham, of Thorpe Avenue, delighted the audience with her reminiscences of the German prisoner-of-war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled, "He'd always seemed to be a friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelled out 'Heil Hitler'." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

SHINGLES

Bill walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bill said, "Shingles." She wrote down his name and address and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. Bill said, "Shingles." She wrote down his height, weight and complete medical history and told Bill to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. Bill said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bill a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bill to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bill sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bill what he had. Bill said, "Shingles." The doctor asked him "Where?" Bill said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

DIETING

THE PASTA DIET:

 1) You walka pasta da bakery.
 2) You walka pasta da candy store.
 3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

 And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth
after all the conflicting medical studies:

1.. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans.
2.. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans.
 3.. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans.
4.. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans.
 5.. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

PSYCHIATRIST'S PRAYER

Thank God there are so many crazy people.

INNER PEACE

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.
So before coming to work this morning, I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac and other party favours, a small box of chocolates, 2 litres of Stella Artois, 1/2 a six pack of Cascade, some cheese and spicy salami. You have no idea how peaceful I feel.

A DOG ONE

A dog goes into an unemployment office and asks for help finding a job. "With your talent," says the clerk, "I'm sure we can get you something at a circus." "The circus!" echoes the dog. "What would a circus want a plumber?"

DEFINITIONS

Adult: One old enough to know better.
Pediatrician: a doctor who's only allowed to play mini golf.
Pseudonym: a nym that’s not your real nym.

QUOTABLE QUOTES ON MARRIAGE

-"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison
-"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt
-"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
-"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it. 2. Whenever you're right, shut up." Nash
-"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once." Anonymous
-"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to." Henny Youngman
-"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield
-"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." Milton
-"Marriage in the only war where one sleeps with the enemy." Anonymous
 

JEWISH BUDDHISTS

-If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
-Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
-Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second sip, satisfaction. With the third sip, peace. With the fourth, a Danish.
-Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
-Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
-The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
-There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
-The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish!
-Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
-Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
-Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
-The Torah says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." The Buddha says, "There is no self." So, maybe we're off the hook!

THE YOUNG SCOT

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, I was thinkin'......perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. ""Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo about time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. And the two turned again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then then took his hand and put it on his knee. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" Said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding, The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

THE MISSING DOLLAR

Three men walk into a shop and buy three watches at $10 each. After the sale is rung up, the new assistant checks with the manager if he did it correctly. He was told he charged $5 too much for the three watches and gives the assistant $5 change. The assistant keeps $2 and gives $1 to each of the three. Net cost = $9 each. total cost = $27. The assistant has $2 and each man has $9. 3 x $9 = $27 and the assistant has $2 - total $29!  What happened to the missing dollar?

THE TOMATO GARDEN

 An old Italian, living alone in New Jersey, wanted to plant his annual tomato garden but it was too difficult as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: "Dear Vincent, It looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to dig and I know if you were here my troubles would be over. Love, Papa." A few days later he received a letter from his son. "Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie." At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. "Dear Pop. Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie."

THE HELPFUL VICAR

Hurrying to finish her shopping, a young woman slipped on the wet foothpath and fell. A passing vicar helped her to her feet and said, "This is the first time I've picked up a fallen woman!" "And this is the first time I've been picked up by a man of the cloth." she replied.

THE DREAM

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt  that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You shall learn tonight," he said. That evening the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delightedly she opened it. She found a book titled, "The Meaning of Dreams".

IN THE BEGINNING

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and eve and they had children and then all mankind was made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered; "Well, dear, it's very simple - I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

FOUR TIMES MARRIED!

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old woman because she was married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be married again at 80 - and then about her new husband's occupation. He's a funeral director," she said. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting", the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a moment, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was her early 20's then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on, a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

FIVE RULES FOR MEN

There are five rules for men to follow in order to have a happy life:

1. It's important for men to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who lies with you and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very, very important that the other four women do not know each other.

MATES

Three mates were discussing their final moments. They were all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like them to say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy replies: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving'!"

THE WILL

Seems an elderly gentleman had some serious hearing problems for a number of years. He wen to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted with a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 per cent. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to to doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." The gent replied, "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE GREEK

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub, discussing who had the superior culture. Over a few ales, the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon," arching his eyebrows. The Scotsman then replies, "Well . . . . it was the Scots who discovered the summer and winter solstices." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars." This continued until the Greek comes up with what he believes will end the discussion. With  a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!" "Aye, that is true - but it was the Scots who introduced it to women!"

THE APARTMENT

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily - even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quite them, said, "We are going to do this in a orderly manner. I can't listen to you all at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

PRAYING

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparent's house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs: "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A A NEW DVD." His older brother leaned over, nudged the younger brother and said: "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is."

TWENTY FOUR HOURS

GOD: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth". Angel: "What are you going to do now"? God: "I'm going to call it a day".

ELDERLY GENTS

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really, like a newborn baby?" "Yup. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

THE TOOTH EXTRACTION

A woman and her husband interrupted their holiday to visit a dentist. "I want a tooth pulled out and don't want any anaesthetic because I'm in a hurry," the woman said. "Just extract it as quickly as you can and we'll be on our way." The dentist was impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it"? The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

THE PRESCRIPTION

After giving a woman a full examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water." "Exactly what is my problem, doctor"? the woman asked. "You're not drinking enough water", he replied.

PICKING LEMONS

A woman applying for a job picking lemons in Tasmania seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "Look, I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times!"

PADDY AND MURPHY

Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" Murphy replies: "Well, if they fell forward they'd still be in the bloody boat!"

MISCELLANEOUS

1 -  A calendar's days are numbered!
2 - Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realising it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was all alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone was at church! About this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not." Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole-in-one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?
3 - On a whim, a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work. The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers and started screaming. "This is the worst day I ever had! The kids have been terrible; they got into a food fight. The washing machine broke down and flooded the basement. I have burnt the dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes ..... and now you have the nerve to come home drunk!"
4 - "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in in the universe is that none has tried to contact us."
Bill Watterson - US cartoonist
5 - A calendar's days are numbered!
6 - Don't believe everything you read - except this.
7 - Climate change - financial crisis - swine flu - I sold everything and spent it all on partying - then a terrible thing happened - I survived it all!
8 - Firmness in politicians called obstinacy in others.
9 - I have an excellent memory. It just doesn't last very long.
10 - A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the look of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
11 - Work is OK as long as it doesn't take too much of our time!
12 - It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
13 - World for sale! Highest bidder! Drastic reduction! As is!
14 - The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
15 - What's the secret for a successful marriage? An air-tight pre-nup!
16 - "I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."
17 - The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
18 - Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
19 - There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
20 - Life is sexually transmitted.
21 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
22 - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
23 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
24 - Have you noticed since everyone has a mobile that takes pictures these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
25 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It takes no attention to criticism.
26 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
27 - How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

TRIVIAL TRIVIA

-Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
-A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
-A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
-A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1100th of a second.
-A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
-A snail can sleep for three years.
-Almonds are a member of the peach family.
-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
-Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches two to six years of age.
-February 1865 in the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
-In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
-If the population of China walked past you, eight abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
-Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors.
-Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
-Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
-The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important.

RURAL AUSTRALIAN COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after eating the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep grade.
SERVER: The waitress at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

DEFINITIONS

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite length of time.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Innoculate: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these rally bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon: (n): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

THE PENGUINS

Did you know that penguins are very ritualistic birds that live an extremely ordered and complex life? They have a very strong community bond and are very committed to their families. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family have been known to use their beaks to break the ice and roll the member into the hole. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing . . . . . "Freeze a jolly good fellow"

THE FINALE:

FFFFFF

Feeling footloose and frisky, the featherbrained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the farthings. Furthermore, he flew far to foreign fields where he frittered his fortune, feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally, fleeced by his fellows and folly, he found himself a feed flinger, a feed flinger in a filthy farmyard! Faced with famine, he feign would fill his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments. "Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier than a frazzled fugitive!" he fumed feverishly, frankly facing the facts! Frustrated with failure, and filled with foreboding, he fled forthwith to his father's family where he fell at his father's feet, floundering forlornly, "Father, I have fruitlessly forfeited family favour..." But forestalling further flinching, the fond father frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast! Well, the fugitive's fault finding frater frowned on such fickle forgiveness of former folderol - his fury flashed! But fussing was futile! For the fond father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervid festivities?! Unfurl the flags, let fanfares flow, let fun and frolic freely flow: For the fugitive is found. And forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortitude."

Van Gogh was ear

CONTRIBUTIONS GRATEFULLY WELCOMED

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
 

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