MEN AND WOMEN

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

STRANDED

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he replied.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I 'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

1. Our arse is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Our last name stays put.
3. The garage is all ours.
4. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
5. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
6. We don't care if someone doesn’t notice our new haircut.
7. Same work, more pay.
8. Wrinkles add character.
9. We don't have to leave the room to make emergency adjustments.
10. Tux rental $200, wedding Dress $4000.
11. People never glance at our chest when we're talking to them.
12. One mood, ALL the time.
13. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
14. A five-day holiday requires only 1 suitcase.
15. We can open all our own jars.
16. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
17. Our underwear is $19 for a three-pack.
18. If we are 34 and single, nobody notices.
19. We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
20. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
21. We can quietly watch a game with a friend for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
22. If another man shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
24. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
25. We are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
27. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
28. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
29. We can "do" our nails with a penknife.
30. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
31. The world is our urinal.

A woman who was visiting the art museum turned to the attendant standing nearby. "This," she sneered, "I suppose is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?" "No, madam," replied the attendant, "That one's called a mirror."

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

A woman goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy one too!" The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A doctor was addressing a large audience on the evils of modern food. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High sugar and high fat diets can be disastrous. None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all.....and most of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said............. "Wedding Cake."

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!"

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I golf."

After suffering through years of his wife's less-than-delectable coffee, one day the long-suffering husband spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man snarled, "Here they are". "Here are what?" the lawyer asked. "Grounds for divorce" the hubby replied.

A bigshot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking pass his door, laughing. After half an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? After a pause, the doctor confessed, "Not with a carnation!"

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge!

- "I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." David Bissonette
- "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry
- "After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but stay together." Hemant Joshi
- "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you got a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." Socrates
- "The great question, which I have not been able to answer is, 'What does a woman want?'" Sigmund Freud
- "I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs for me." Anonymous
- "Some people ask the secret of our marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesday, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman

Her'es a ricepe i thoght yuo mihgt enjoy.
its a a fruitcake recipe that will hellp take the steress out of this normally stressful tim.
Ungredients:
1 cup watre
1 cup sugr
4 lasrge eggs
2 cups died fruit
1 tsp slat
1 cup bown sugra
3 oz lemmon juce
1 cop nuts
1 gallon Absolut Vodka
First, ssmple the vodka to check for freshnesh.
Take a barge lowl.
Cherck the vokda again to be sre itis of teh highesy qwuality.
Poor 1 levvel cup of the vodka and dink it.
Repeat.
Repeat again.
Turn on the electic mixre; beet 1 cuip of buter in a large fluuffy owl.
Add waster, eeggs and 1 tsp suigar and beet again.
Make surr the vodca is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixrers.
Chuck in the cup of dired fruitt or something.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets struck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewsciver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsistancity.
Next, sniff two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the vodka.
Now sniff the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something .
Whatever.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Whip the bowl out the window.
Check the vidka again.
Go to bed.
Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
see tyou laster,
p.p.s.s.
donot fourgett to chek the vodk.
p.s.s.
Sorrry abot the speeling,But i'am drunk and I cann't find the spackbase button.

A young woman, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" She said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and asked her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the young woman came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," she answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the woman added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

   An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
   The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
   While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
   The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
   Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son. ."Go get your mother."

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.....Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen."

“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend a lot of time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” Beryl Pfizer, American journalist.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: make her happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:

You make the bed......................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1
You leave the toilet seat up...........-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
In the snow...............................................+8
But return with beer...............................-5
You check out a suspicious noise in the middle of the night.......0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
It's her pet..............................................-10

Social Engagements

Party:
You stay by her side the entire party...................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
Named Tiffany.......-4
Tiffany is a dancer....-6
Tiffany has implants...-80

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..............0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night........-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal.........................-5
The pal is happily married..........-4
Or frighteningly single............-7
And he drives a Mustang.......-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)......-15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie.............+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like....-2
It's called Death Cop 3..........-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans.........-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".........-8000

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........-1 (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding....-1
You reply, "Where?"............-35
Any other response.............-20

Communication - When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.........+1000
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep........-2000

You may not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Surprisingly, female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male - but consider this - it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and when he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying!

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that is Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. A student asked, "What gender is a computer?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into male and female groups and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" was a feminine or masculine noun/ Each group was to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should be definitely be of feminine gender ("las computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensive to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible retrieval later.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay on accessories for it.
5. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because
A) In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
B) They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.
C) They are supposed to help solve problems, but half the time, they are the problem.
D) As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten another model.