MEN! - and also women.
Updated January 10, 2008
God
may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
STRANDED
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he
sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck
gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even
closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and
scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he replied.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out
a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a
flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL
fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there!"
THE DIVORCE
An
elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're
sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting
divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I 'm calling my brother
back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR
ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
COOL THINGS ABOUT BEING A MALE:
1. Our arse is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Our last name stays put.
3. The garage is all ours.
4. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
5. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
6. We don't care if someone doesn’t notice our new haircut.
7. Same work, more pay.
8. Wrinkles add character.
9. We don't have to leave the room to make emergency adjustments.
10. Tux rental $200, wedding Dress $4000.
11. People never glance at our chest when we're talking to them.
12. One mood, ALL the time.
13. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
14. A five-day holiday requires only 1 suitcase.
15. We can open all our own jars.
16. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
17. Our underwear is $19 for a three-pack.
18. If we are 34 and single, nobody notices.
19. We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
20. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
21. We can quietly watch a game with a friend for hours without ever thinking
"He must be mad at me."
22. If another man shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might
become lifelong friends.
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
24. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
25. We are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
27. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
28. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
29. We can "do" our nails with a penknife.
30. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,
in minutes.
31. The world is our urinal.
TEN THINGS MEN KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT WOMEN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.
WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or
charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in
her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury,
isn't it?"
WIFE VS HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to
men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his
wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
EVIL FOOD
A doctor was addressing a large audience on the evils of
modern food.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High sugar and high fat diets
can be disastrous.
None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all.....and
most of us have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said....
"Wedding Cake."
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife
were having an argument
about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
DIVORCE TRIAL
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!!"
MARRIAGE PROBLEMS
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is.
The wife goes into a tirade,
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married.
She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk,
embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says,
"That is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies,
"Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I golf."
WHO’S THE BOSS?
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so
without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all
of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it
needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it
goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste
removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood
was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole
is usually in charge!
THE RECIPE
Her'es a ricepe i thoght yuo mihgt enjoy.
its a a fruitcake recipe that will hellp take the steress out of this normally
stressful tim.
Ungredients:
1 cup watre
1 cup sugr
4 lasrge eggs
2 cups died fruit
1 tsp slat
1 cup bown sugra
3 oz lemmon juce
1 cop nuts
1 gallon Absolut Vodka
First, ssmple the vodka to check for freshnesh.
Take a barge lowl.
Cherck the vokda again to be sre itis of teh highesy qwuality.
Poor 1 levvel cup of the vodka and dink it.
Repeat.
Repeat again.
Turn on the electic mixre; beet 1 cuip of buter in a large fluuffy owl.
Add waster, eeggs and 1 tsp suigar and beet again.
Make surr the vodca is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixrers.
Chuck in the cup of dired fruitt or something.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets struck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewsciver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsistancity.
Next, sniff two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the vodka.
Now sniff the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something .
Whatever.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Whip the bowl out the window.
Check the vidka again.
Go to bed.
Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
see tyou laster,
p.p.s.s.
donot fourgett to chek the vodk.
p.s.s.
Sorrry abot the speeling,But i'am drunk and I cann't find the spackbase button.
THE PORCH
A
young woman, wanting to earn some money,
decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy
neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any
jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" She said, "How about
50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and asked her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the young woman came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," she answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the woman added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
AMISH ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat
old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out. The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son. ."Go get your mother."
THE DECISION
REMEMBERING
“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend a lot of time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” Beryl Pfizer, American journalist.
RULES OF ROMANCE
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: make her happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
Simple Duties:
You make the bed......................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1
You leave the toilet seat up...........-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
In the snow...............................................+8
But return with beer...............................-5
You check out a suspicious noise in the middle of the night.......0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
It's her pet..............................................-10
Social Engagements
Party:
You stay by her side the entire party...................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy...-2
Named Tiffany.......-4
Tiffany is a dancer....-6
Tiffany has implants...-80
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..............0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night........-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.......-10
A
Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal.........................-5
The pal is happily married..........-4
Or frighteningly single............-7
And he drives a Mustang.......-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)......-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie.............+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like....-2
It's called Death Cop 3..........-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans.........-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts.......-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".........-8000
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........-1 (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding....-1
You reply, "Where?"............-35
Any other response.............-20
Communication - When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.........+1000
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep........-2000