KIDS

KIDS
Updated February 2, 2010

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt when little Jason interrupted," "My mummy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing while he was on the ark?" Johnny replied, "No! how could we with just two worms?

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, "Aces!"

WHAT IS LOVE?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of four through eight-year-olds, "What does love mean?"
-"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
-"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails any more. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's Love."
-"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
-"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
-"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
-"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
-"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
-"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you any more. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
-"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

THE WEDDING

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

RUNNING LATE

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

TOP THAT!

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter." She next asked them about the commandments and was there one on how to treat brothers and sisters. One boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Later, she was teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when she told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

One Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

AFTER SUNDAY SCHOOL

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.

THE JONAH QUESTION

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because its throat was too small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human - it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A PICTURE OF GOD

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no-one knows what God looks like." Without a beat or looking up from her drawing, she replied, "They will in a minute."

STORMY NIGHT

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."

PRAYER TO THE LORD

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
...and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

LORD'S PRAYER

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

THE TENTH COMMANDMENT

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

THE CHRISTENING

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

THE SERVICE

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

MORAL OR LESS

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

DON'T MESS WITH CHILDREN!
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hair are white?"

The school children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it and I would turn red in the face. The why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position - the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"
Pupil: "Up and down or across?"
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Pupil: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"

Teacher: "Is Lapland heavily populated?"
Class: "No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!"
Teacher: "Name an animal that lives in Lapland!"
Pupil: "A reindeer."
Teacher: "Good! Now name another."
Class: "Another reindeer."

Teacher: "You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?"
Pupil: "No, teacher, I'm having trouble listening!"

GONE TO HEAVEN

A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

INTERPRETATIONS OF NATURE FROM STUDENTS
(SPELLING ERRORS PRESERVED!)

- "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
- "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
- "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
- "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
- "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
- "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
- "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
- "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
- "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
- "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
- "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
- "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
- "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
- "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
- "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
- "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
- "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
- "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
- "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
- "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
- "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
- "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
- "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
- "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
- "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
- "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
- "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
- "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
- "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
- "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
- "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
- "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
- "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
- "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
- "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
- "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

answers From first graders!

1. Better to be safe than.................punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the..............................bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before...............Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of.....termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but......how?
6 Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
7. No news is.................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a.........................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..........math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust............................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the......pigs.
13. An idle mind is..................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.......pollution.
15. Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is.........................not much.
17. Two's company, three's...............the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed..................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you.......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way.
25. Better late than............................pregnant.

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN AND HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tires of creating the world so He took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8, The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest mirical in the Bible is when Joshua told hi son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was killed at paying the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manger.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apotles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

LITTLE JOHNNY’S AT IT AGAIN

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!’
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!’
After several seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'ABC, FOX, Movie Channel and the Cartoon Network!'

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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives really want to capture him.'
  Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
  Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum.'

WALKING THE DOG

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here. He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.   Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
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YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!
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The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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