Groaners
Updated February 2, 2010

Off to the Punitentiary for you!

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons…
... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Atheist: someone who can sleep in on Sundays with a clear conscience.

AND EVEN MORE!

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!) - A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

AND EVEN SOME more groaners!

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." Patient: "Is it common?" Doctor: "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Nobody could figure out what they saw in each other. (The kids were nothing to look at either.)
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever be done!
16. Avoid criticism - say, do and be nothing!
17. What kind of dog can tell the time? A watch dog.

18. Why is a flower like a letter A? Because a bee comes after it.
19. What did the cat have for its breakfast? Mice bubbles.
20. What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence!
21, What newspaper do cows read? The Daily moos.

WHO'S IN CHARGE

   An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, he finds the pile of sand untouched.
   He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese fella that he wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda find him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says; "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did, lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shovel! Ye left the Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay find him either."
   The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to find the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells ........
"SUPPLIES!

WHAT THE....?

1. Game show host: "What was Hitler's name? Contestant: Heil
2. Pizza counter clerk: "Hey, you look like Adam Sandler." Adam, "Yeah, I know." Clerk: "What's your name?" Sandler - "Adam Sandler." Clerk: "Whoa - that's a coincidence!"
3. From a California driving school exam: Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: When driving through fog, what would you use? A: Your car.
4. Attorney: "So you saw that, did you? Witness: "Yes I did." Attorney: "That's pretty far away. How far can you see?" Witness: "I can see the moon - how far is that?"
5. Dave Courchene, Anishnabe Indian chief: "We're not fooling around. We've got the bull by the tail and we're looking him straight in the eye."
6. Headline in a Georgia newspaper: THREE FREIGHT TRAINS CRASH - TWO MISSING
7. From an insurance claim form: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
8. Overheard at a department store counter: "I can't help you - I'm in Customer  Service."
9. Sign in Neenah, Wisconsin: IF DOOR DOES NOT OPEN - DO NOT ENTER
10. In a church bulletin: Lenten Worship Sermon: THE SUREST ROAD TO HELL. Transportation available - please call before Saturday.
11. Headline in the Shepway News, UK: COUNCIL LISTENS TO LOCAL PEOPLE ON PUBLIC TOILETS.
12. Label on a children's scooter from China: CAUTION - THIS PRODUCT MOVES WHEN USED

THE EGG FARMER

   Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (pullets) and eight or nine roosters to fertilise the pullets eggs. Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot. That took a lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on his porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
   The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin - and a very fine specimen he was too - but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all. Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover, but to Trevor's amazement Kevin had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk to the next one.  Trevor was so proud of Kevin he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.
   The result? The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well!

ROY ROGERS

Roy Rogers had just brought a brand new pair of hand etched, craftsman stitched boots made from the choicest section of hide of a virgin calf for $5,000 and was showing them off to his friends in the saloon when the bar cat suddenly took a fit, jumped on Roy's foot and madly savaged his boot, before taking off out the door.
Roy was enraged and shouted "$1,000 to the person who brings me that cat, dead or alive".
Everyone ran out the bar looking for the cat and for hours all you could hear was gun shots and cat cries, until finally an exhausted cowboy ran into the bar out of breath swinging a mutilated, unrecognizable animal and cried - "Pardon me Roy, is this the cat-that-chewed-yer-new-shoe?"

YAMMY POTATOES

   You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
   Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
   When she went off to
Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and also the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, she was to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
   Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
   Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
   Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he is just a...

- - -Are you ready for this?- - -

...Common Tater

THIEVERY

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

Are you ready for this????????????????
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"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings........ I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to put this on my web page!!!!!!!!!

BACON?

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."
   "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."
   So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
   "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree." "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don forget." "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
   And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
   "Pepe... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree."
   "Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

   "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree…..Ees…..Ees…..Ees…..Ees…..Eees a Ham Bush.

THE BIRD

  A bird lover heard of a most rare species in the deep jungles of Africa and decided to see if he could get a picture of it. It took him weeks to get to the small village where lived the one remaining man who actually saw this bird.
  After introductions and preparations, the search party set out to find this bird. A few days later, the guide advised the party to put on their pith helmets as this is the land of the Foo bird. Questioning why, one of the guides replied that this bird is very large and dangerous.
  With everyone wearing their helmets, the party cautiously entered the Foo bird’s territory. An hour later they entered an area thick with undergrowth and clearing their way through was exhausting in the humid heat.
  The bird lover took off his helmet and the guide cautioned him not to. Ignoring this advice, he continued hacking his way through the undergrowth, feeling much cooler.
  A bit later they heard the sound of a large bird in flight. They all peered intently trying to see this bird and took out their cameras. A few seconds later there appeared this fabulously plumed bird and were all taking pictures.
  The bird lover was ecstatic and was happily recording this rare, once-in-a-lifetime event. As the bird flew over them, it discharged a large amount of excrement that landed right on the top of the bird lover’s head. The guide said: “See, I told you! If the Foo shits, wear it!

TEXTING - TEXTING!

SHOULDN'T WE DECLARE WAR ON THE TEXTREMISTS?

THE PENGUINS

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a laptop was stirring, not even the mouse.

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