GOLF ONES
Updated February 15, 2010
“If looks could kill,
many golfers would die with a golf club in their hands.”
“All is fair in love and golf.”
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
With wife
“Now remember,” said
the husband as he played for the first time with his wife, “I don’t like to talk
when I’m playing.”
“You don’t need to,” answered his wife, “just listen.”
Professional help
Eric’s golf was
getting worse so he asked the professional what to do.
“Well, first you should relax,” advised the pro. Give it up for six months.”
“And then?” questioned Eric.
“Give it up altogether.”
Old vicar
The old vicar was in bad form and reached his breaking point when his easy approach landed in the sand trap. As he emerged from the trap - seven strokes later and red-faced - he muttered, “Would one of you laymen say a few appropriate words for me?”
Tea lady
The new Irish tea
lady brought the manager his morning tea. On his desk were two golf balls.
“What are those?” she asked, indicating the golf balls.
“Golf balls,” replied the manager.
A few days later the manager left two new golf balls on his desk.
As soon as the
tea lady arrived, she spotted them and said, “I see, sir, you’ve shot another
golf!”
Club bore
“You know,” said the
boastful club bore to the stranger, “I’m an excellent golfer.
Last year I helped
Ireland to beat Scotland!”
“Really?” drawled the stranger, “Which team were you playing for?”
How many?
“How many were you at
that hole?” asked Peter.
“Eight,” replied Paul. “No, wait, I lie – it was seven.”
“Well. Retorted Peter, “I’m putting you down as nine.
There’s a one stroke penalty for improving your lie.”
Moral victory
Mrs. Hunter said her
husband had a moral victory playing golf yesterday,” said Mrs. Powers.
“What
does moral victory mean?”
“Finding a ball better than the one he lost,” replied her husband from behind
the newspaper.
Giving up golf
Alan greeted Edgar in
the street. “Hello Edgar, I hear you have given up golf!”
“Yes indeed,” agreed Edgar, “gave it up completely.”
“I wish I could give up golf, but it has such a hold on me.
How did you manage
to give it up?” asked Alan.
“I went to a hypnotist and he took golf right out of my system and out of my
mind.
I never think about the game now,” stated Edgar.
“That’s wonderful,” said Alan. “I might try him. Where is his office?”
“Oh, a good drive and a short putt from here,” replied Edgar.
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Angus McDonald, who
had played golf for many years on a course near Fife,
arrived home one day and
told his wife he was giving up the game.
His wife was shocked, for she knew how much he loved golf, so she asked, “Why
are you giving up golf?”
“I lost ma ball,” replied Angus.
#*+-%!!:::<>”|\=^~
“What did your
husband say when you missed that short putt on the fifteenth?” enquired Winnie.
“Shall I leave out the swear words?” asked Betty.
“Yes”
“Nothing,” sighed Betty.
Trees
The Vice President of
the United States is an active golfer
and is guarded by secret undercover agents
in disguise.
During one match, his opponent remarked to him,
“You know, sir, in
all my years of playing golf,
that’s the first time I’ve ever heard a tree
fart!”
new members
“How does one meet
new people at this club?” the recently enrolled member asked the club secretary.
“Try picking up the wrong golf ball,” he replied dryly.
Club captain
The golf club captain
was charged with trying to kill a very troublesome woman member during a mixed
foursome.
The entire membership of the club pleaded with the judge to give him another
chance.
Sport
“The sporting aspect
has gone right out of golf,” complained Reggie as he stalked into the locker
room.
“What makes you say that?” asked a fellow golfer.
“My opponent wouldn’t even concede a two-foot putt,” explained Reggie.
“So what?”
“So it cost me a stroke, that’s what!”
golfers vs non-golfers
There are two kinds
of people.
Those who play golf and those who don’t.
Trouble is - they are usually married to each other.
Dead golfer
A famous golfer died
and went to the great clubhouse in the sky where he was greeted be a saint
and
asked if he had anything to confess before passing through the pearly gates.
“Well, there is one thing,” confessed the golfer.
“I was playing for Ireland
against England and my opponent and I both drove into the rough.
I found the two
balls which were lying together and I kicked his ball into an unplayable
position.
That action probably won the match for us but it has worried me ever
since.”
“Think nothing of it, my son, not a thing to worry about, forget it ever
happened,” said the saint with a smile.
“Oh that’s wonderful,” cried the golfer. “Thank you so much, St Peter.”
“Oh, by the way, I’m not St Peter,” said the saint cheerily, “I’m St Patrick.”
for sale
For sale: Set of
clubs at bargain price of $300.
Telephone 2244666 before six o’clock.
If a man
answers, hang up.
therapy
“Your husband seems
to go to the office much more frequently,” commented Mrs. Fisher.
“Yes, said Mrs. Reid, “his doctor said it was important he had something to
take his mind off golf.”
Topping the ball
“How can I prevent
topping the ball when I hit it?” asked O’Toole.
“Try turning it upside down,” suggested O’Flynn.
A present
“Darling,” cried the
husband as he entered the house. “I have just bought a present for the person I
love most in all the world.”
“And what are your new golf clubs like?” asked the wife in an icy tone.
The bishop and priest
Bishop Flynn and
Father Casey prepared to tee off. Both men were good players
and Father Casey
was intent on beating his Bishop as this was the first time they had played in
opposition.
They were all square at the sixth and Father Casey had a short putt
to give him a birdie and take the lead.
He viewed the situation with great care
and putted. The ball rimmed the hole but did not drop. Both men stared in
silence.
“Father Casey, enough of that!” said the Bishop sharply. “That’s the most
obscene silence I’ve ever heard!”
TEE TIME
The bride
came down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there
with his golf bag and clubs by his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye -- and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
is it?"
SAND TRAPS
An
octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local
Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there
wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He
repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro
said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The
80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as have been playing quite
well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all
even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a
par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap
next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on
the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still
standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a
problem getting out of sand traps?". Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please
give me a hand."
A SIGN POSTED AT A SCOTTISH GOLF CLUB IN THE UNITED KINGDOM
1. Back
straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down!
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please.......while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
WELL DONE! Now wash your hands, go outside and tee off!
DEATH OF A GOLFER
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her
recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there
is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then says well,
then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a
seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let
it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."
THE FROG
A man out golfing notices a frog on the second hole. He thinks nothing of it and is about to tee off when he hears, "Ribbit 9 iron." The man around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away and grabs a nine iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow - that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog!" The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a three wood and boom! Hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man had the best game in his life and asks the frog, "OK! Where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and pays for the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. And that is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not Tiger Woods!"
GLOSSARY OF GOLF TERMS
ACE The Red Baron
BOGEY Star of "Casablanca"
BUNKER Archie's family
CADDY Less $$ than a Merc
CHIP SHOT A lousy thing to say
CLUB Double decker sandwich
COUNTRY CLUB The United Nations
DOUBLE BOGEY "Casablanca" & "The Maltese Falcon"
DRIVING RANGE Area where cattle are fed
DUFFER Owner of a duffle bag
EAGLE Good scout
GREEN Inexperienced
HACKER Remedy is a cough drop
HANDICAP Special parking space
HICKORY Romantic neck bruise
LIE What sleeping dogs do.