FOR THE godly

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and this entire beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many wretched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret ... You know, woman to woman."

One day, after an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What’s the problem Adam?" God replied.
"Lord, I know you have created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" came the reply from the Heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this lovely place just for me, but I am lonely."
"Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you."
"What is a ‘woman’ Lord?"
"This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature that I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the Heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you."
"Sounds great!" said Adam.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this ‘woman’ cost me, Lord?" asked Adam.
"She will cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear and your left testicle."
Adam pondered this for some time with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.
Finally, Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

-Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to get into their pews or their favourite church parking spot.
-Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
-It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
-We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
-When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
-People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.
-Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years.
-Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
-The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
-If the church wants a better pastor, perhaps it should pray for the one it has.
-Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.
-God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he’s dead. So why should we?
-Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
-I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
-A lot of church members are singing "Standing on the Promises" while they are just sitting on the premises.

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town’s annual 4^th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really should try it. I know it is against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia ham. Tell me Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The Rabbi looked at him with a big grin and said, “At your wedding!”

One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son to tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“I’ll give you two reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me and two I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why you should go to church. (1) You’re 59 years old and (2) you’re the pastor!

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you know who I am?" the woman enquired.
"No, he said.
"I'm the pastors mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repair man worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey fellas," he interrupted. "The best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distresses twenty-dollar bill arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed." "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, The Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church, the Catholic Church."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the boy answered.
"Goat? replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. I heard dad say to mom, "Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed; they immediately purchased the animal, and went home (piously of course). That night they had friends over.
They were so proud of their new Christian dog and his religious skills - they called the dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they said, "let's find out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's forehead, closed his eyes, and began to pray.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two adopted female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put let them perch with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were on their habitat, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots near them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings. When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in the cage.
Toward the end of the sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.
At one revival meeting however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!" Still no dove.
The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:
"Sir, a yellow cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the yellow cat?"

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
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I didn't get one either.

Far away in the tropical waters of Queensland, two prawns were swimming around in the sea -
one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly under threat of being eaten by sharks.
One day Justin said to Christian, "I wish I was a shark instead of a prawn..."
Just then, a cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Justin soon realised that none of his old mates wanted to hang out with him now he was a shark
so he set out to finds the mysterious cod again. He begs the cod to change him back into a prawn.
"Your wish is granted" said the cod.
Justin swam back to his home reef and called out to his friend Christian.
"Come and hang out Mate"
Christian yelled back "No way man, go away, you're a shark"
Justin cried back "Nooooo, trust me, I'm not....
...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said; "Shit, I missed."
The good sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again.
The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice......... "Shit, I missed."

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow!! What a nice gauddam fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the species of the fish. It is a gauddam fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok." The sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the gauddam fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it. It’s a gauddam fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the gauddam fish, and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in, and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the gauddam fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn’t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it. It’s a gauddam fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the gauddam fish, and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the gauddam fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the gauddam fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the gauddam fish." The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I like this f*@%ing place already!"

I asked the children in my Sunday school class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

I asked them again, "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five year old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

1. Dear Lord, so far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, moaned, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen....
2. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and - the eyesight to tell the difference.

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards,
but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway
and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,
grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,
it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the bloody putt, didn't you?"

One Sunday morning,
the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church,
looking at a large plaque that hung there.
After the young man of seven had stood there for some time,
the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque.
"Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?"
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My Son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say.. "My God..."

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.
The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared to challenge the thought.
In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
"Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally,
shaking his fist in the air, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously
and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
"Shall We Gather at the River"

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front
and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said:
"It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."

Seated together on an Air New Zealand flight from Auckland to Christchurch, an elderly rabbi and a young, newly ordained catholic priest greeted each other
and exchanged pleasantries prior to take-off.
However, once the flight had reached cruising altitude the old rabbi became increasingly interested in the young priest and his call to the cloth.
"I am old and weary of the world," he began, “especially when I see what is happening in my homeland, Israel. But you, Father. You are young and, I would venture to say, have hopes, dreams and ambitions to fulfil. No? Yes, I see by your eyes, I am right."
The young priest smiled and the rabbi continued. "In your church, if you perform your tasks and duties diligently and in accordance with the commands of the authorities, what would be your reward? On earth, I mean," he chuckled.
The young man considered the question a moment and replied, "I imagine that I could be granted a bishopric in time, God willing. Why do you ask?" his face still smiling.
"And after you become a bishop, what then could you aspire to, my young friend? What then?"
Laughing, the priest responded, "Oh my Dear Rabbi, I could be a cardinal. Yes, indeed a cardinal, Sir."
"Ahh! A cardinal! And then what? Eh? Perhaps the Pope? You could be the Pope! And then what?
After the papal throne; then what would be your aspiration?" The rabbi clucked, enjoying the repartee.
Tiring of this banter the young man sought to put and end to what he thought was becoming an attack on himself, his church and his religion.
He turned to the old rabbi and in his most severe tone of voice he said, "Sir, what would you have me be? The Son of God Himself?"
The old man replied, with a glint in his eye, "Well, one of our boys made it!"

-Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
-PRAYER & FASTING Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
-The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
-Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
-The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-Miss Charlene Mason sang I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: Break Forth Into Joy.
-A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What Is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
-The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    A new young monk arrives at the monastery and, as with all new monks, he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
   So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
   The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son."
   So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
   He sees the abbot banging his head against the wall, wailing "We forgot the "R"! We forgot the "R"! His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
   The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
   With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate! The word is celebrate!"

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN!
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS BLACK!
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS JEWISH!
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence ......... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to be done.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

    A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking."
     Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."
     The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work.
     Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit."
     To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy – if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked the aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that god absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win?” they asked.” I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy so I gave him the finger. Then he said the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to we’re staying right here!

“And then what?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moishe. He took out his lunch, so I took mine.”