WE MUST TAKE HUMOUR SERIOUSLY!
ONE LINERS 1001 TO 2000
Updated October 9, 2009
1001. Procrastinate Now!
1002. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
1003. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
1004. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
1005. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
1006. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
1007. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
1008. Ham and eggs - a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
1009. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
1010. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
1011. If you mated a Bulldog and a Shitzu, would it be called Bullshit?
1012. I think I have reached my sexpiration date!
1013. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
1014. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing!
1015. When in doubt, be quiet.
1016. Once I felt a need to belong and be accepted. Fortunately, I got over it.
1017. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.
1018. I live in a world of my own - but day passes are available.
1019. Be realistic. Plan for a miracle.
1020. I cannot tell a lie. I lie all the time.
1021. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was right. Does that make me wrong?
1022. If you can’t go around it, over it or through it - negotiate with it!
1023. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
1024. I know all the answers to the questions I never get asked.
1025. If you can’t join ‘em, beat ‘em.
1026. Everything I am today I owe to people whom it is now too late to punish.
1027. Life is a joke – but at least it’s a good one.
1028. I have few faults but I try to make the most of them.
1029. Save pillows. Sleep faster.
1030. I do what the voices in my wife’s head tell me.
1031. It’s easy to come and go. The hard thing is to remain.
1032. I used to live in the real world, but I got evicted.
1033. An expert knows all the answers – if you ask the right questions.
1034. What fun is it being an expert if you have to make yourself easy to understand?
1035. None of us alone is as dumb as all of us together.
1036. My brain seems to have a mind of its own!
1037. Money can’t buy friends, but with money you can get rid of enemies.
1038. I hate personal violence – especially when I’m the person!
1039. I’m not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
1040. My problem? I’m having an out of money experience.
1041. None of us alone is as dumb as all of us together.
1042. I may have been born yesterday – but I stayed up all night!
1043. Silence is wonderful to listen to.
1044. When you have nothing to say, say it with absolute conviction.
1045. A naked man fears no pickpocket.
1046. Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
1047. If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.
1048. The best mistake you can make is to always be right.
1049. Art is what you can get away with.
1050. When am I going to get a round tuit?
1051. If we all do what we believe is right, there will surely be total chaos.
1052. Remember – plausible arguments can be constructed for the dumbest things.
1053. Reality is the anchovies on the pizza of life.
1054. What is amnesia again?
1055. I am very sceptical of sceptics.
1056. Some people would rather be wrong than different.
1057. Can atheists get insurance against acts of God?
1058. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame alone.
1059. What some people lack in intelligence they more than make up in stupidity.
1060. No one notices what I do until I don't do it.
1061. Life is uncertain, so buy the luxuries first.
1062. Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" obviously never had a weak
bladder.
1063. I’m dyslectic. I had a misspelt childhood.
1064. I ain’t cheap, but I can be had.
1065. I am poor. I had a misspent childhood.
1066. A commanding officer doesn’t need brains, just a loud voice.
1067. Nobody who can read is ever successful in cleaning out the attic.
1068. When life gives me lemons, I make orange juice. Can't get anything right.
1069. Everyone says I'm in denial, but I'm really not!
1070. Why is ours the only planet named after dirt?
1071. Truth is stronger than fiction - except where the government is concerned!
1072. A wise old man once told me never to listen to a wise old man.
1073. Since I took up exercise, I have the energy of a man twice my age!
1074. Your opinions are right on the money. We're just playing on different tables.
1075. The best time to plan ahead is always in the past.
1076. I've had one of those days all week.
1077. He who laughs last gets sent to the principals' office.
1078. Eat it today. Tomorrow it will be bad for your health.
1079. My dog's dyslexic. He chases bones and buries cars.
1080. Drinking does not drown your sorrows, it only irrigates them.
1081. No one can make a fool of you. It's a do it yourself proposition.
1082. Is a fleeting thought worth pursuing?
1083. Veni, Vidi, Variety - I came, I saw, I couldn't make up my mind.
1084. Veni, Vidi, Varsity – I came, I saw, I learned a lot of stuff.
1085. Veni, Vidi, Vertigo – I came, I saw, but those chairs at the bar made me dizzy.
1086. Veni, Vidi, Venetian – I came, I saw, but for a moment I became blind.
1087. Veni, Vidi, Vernacular – I came, I saw, I spoke in tongues.
1088. Veni, Vidi, Ventilate - I came, I saw, I forgot to close the door.
1089. Veni, Vidi, Vertical - I came, I saw, there were no chairs left.
1090. Veni, Vidi, Verbose - I came, I saw, people complained about my complaining.
1091. Veni, Vidi, Veto - I came, I saw, I disapproved.
1092. Veni, Vidi, Viaduct - I came, I saw, I crossed over.
1093. Veni, Vidi, Vibrator - I came, I saw, I was all shook up.
1094. Veni, Vidi, Vicar - I came, I saw, I tithed.
1095. Veni, Vidi, Vice-Versa - I came, I saw, I walked out.
1096. Veni, Vidi, View - I came, I saw, I found the best seat.
1097. Veni, Vidi, Vintage - I came, I saw, I found myself in an old people's home.
1098. Veni, Vidi, Visible - I came, I saw, I was the last one to leave.
1099. Veni, Vidi, Vodka - I came, I saw, I got a bit tipsy.
1100. Veni, Vidi, Volume - I came, I saw, everyone heard me come in.
1101. Veni, Vidi, Voodoo - I came, I saw, I was spellbound.
1102. Veni, Vidi, Vortex - I came, I saw, I had a spa.
1103. Veni, Vidi, Vanish - I came, I saw, I left.
1104. Veni, Vidi, Vault - I came, I saw, I saved money.
1105. Veni, Vidi, Veer - I came, I saw, I changed my mind.
1106. Veni, Vidi, Vegetate - I came, I saw, I got bored.
1104. Veni, Vidi, Vehicle - I came, I saw, I drove off.
1105. Veni, Vidi, Veranda - I came, I saw, I found some shade.
1106. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about.
1107. My weight is perfect for my height - which varies depending on which shoes I wear.
1108. All things being equal - you lose.
1109. There is no substitute for good manners - except of course, good reflexes.
1110. What do you do for people needing X-Rays? Barium.
1111. Midlife crisis is when the kids and your clothes are the same age.
1112. All I get to exercise is caution.
1113. Running on the information superhighway can damage your health.
1114. Veni, Vidi, Voracious - I came, I saw, I ate it all.
1115. It's always too soon to quit.
1116. You think you have problems. My sundial is running slow.
1117. I can only assume I can make an assumption.
1118. One thing you can say for kids - they don't go around showing pictures of their grandparents!
1119. Listen to the sermon before eating the missionaries.
1120. In France, slow horses are fast food.
1121. Laziness is no good unless it is done properly.
1122. Don't wait - procrastinate now!
1123. The world's most affectionate creature is a muddy dog.
1124. If this is today, I must be where I am.
1125. All I want is world peace ....... and a million dollars.
1126. The only exercise I am getting is pushing my luck.
1127. I would like to have more self-esteem but I don't deserve it.
1128. I'm gifted - but only on my birthday.
1129. Live in the present - but wash your hands before you eat.
1130. All stressed out and no one to choke!
1131. The only certainty in life is that there is no such thing as certainty!
1132. My body language is speechless.
1132. What do you call it when two egotists butt heads? An I for an I.
1133. Dare to be naive!
1134. Hell hath no fury like a dad whose tools are all messed up.
1135. Keep an open mind - but not too open that your brains fall out.
1136. It may look like I'm sitting here doing nothing - but I work so fast I'm always finished.
1137. Work is the price you pay for money.
1138. Drive carefully. The government needs taxpayers.
1139. True
multitasking is having 3 computers and a chair with wheels.
1140. It's always darkest before you open your eyes.
1141. If we really did profit from our mistakes, I'd be extremely rich by now.
1142. Hang in there. Retirement is only twenty years away!
1143. Animals are friends - but they can't lend you money.
1144. I'd whistle while I work - but all I know are happy songs!
1145. Just because I look stupid doesn't mean I'm not.
1146. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
1147. The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits!
1148. Reality is for people who can't stand Star Trek.
1149. No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
1150. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
1151.
The only
substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
1152.
Support
bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
1153.
When
everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
1154.
Bills
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
1155.
Never do
card tricks for the group you play poker with.
1156.
No one
is listening until you make a mistake.
1157.
Success
always occurs in private and failure in full view.
1158.
The
severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
1159.
How many
of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
1160.
Two
wrongs are only the beginning.
1161.
If you
think nobody cares, try missing a couple of house payments.
1162.
Always
try to be modest - and be proud of it!
1163. Get a new car for your spouse... It's a great trade!
1164. Never argue with people who know they are right.
1165. My boss doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
1166. Conclusive studies have shown there are no answers.
1167. I tried to childproof my house but the kids found a way back in.
1168. To improve your memory, lend people money.
1169. Living right doesn't make you live longer. It just makes it seem like longer.
1170. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
1171. A thick skin is a virtue - as long as it doesn't go all the way through your head.
1172. Think! It gives you something to do when the computer is down.
1173. Money won't buy happiness, but it's good for a laugh now and then.
1174. Next life I want script approval.
1175. Second place is the first loser.
1176. Life is easy. It's living that's hard.
1177. Work is ok - as long as it doesn't take up too much leisure time.
1178. Some people have tact - others tell the truth.
1179. In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
1180. I can't remember if I used to know something.
1181. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
1182: Varnished: Disappeared with a trace.
1183. Idiotsyncrasy: two dying to go through stop signs at the same time.
1184. Unlike most people, I'm just an average person.
1185. I've never ever exaggerated in a thousand billion years.
1186. Forgive and forget, but write down their names.
1187. Education can't give you brains, but it can give you a diploma.
1188. When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
1189. Never put off until tomorrow what you can get someone else to do now.
1190. Get a life? I'm a gamer. I have lots of lives.
1191. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
1192. When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
1193. Save humanity . . . . . don't do mornings!
1194. The fastest way to trace your family tree: win the lottery.
1195. Life is drawing with an eraser.
1196. It doesn't matter whether you win or lose until you lose.
1197. A journey of a thousand miles . . . . . is a long way to walk.
1198. If at first you don't succeed, look in the garbage for the instructions.
1199. I may not be perfect, but I'm all I've got.
1200. Life is hard. It's breathe breathe breathe all the time.
1201. If we're not supposed to eat late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
1202. Due to inflation, all clouds will now be lined with zinc.
1203. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
1204. Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know?
1205. Hard work never killed anybody - but why take the chance?
1206. I've never had bad luck - just fits of stupidity.
1207. Not only do I not know what is going on - but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did!
1208. The statement below is true.
1209. The statement above is false.
1210. A future? Where can I download that from?
1211. The trouble with work is - it's so daily!
1212. People are always available for work in the past tense.
1213. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
1214. If you think you're indecisive - how can you be sure?
1215. A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.
1216. Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown, only 11 to smile and I need the exercise!
1217. Yesterday I knew nothing. Today I know that.
1218. Everyone seems normal until we get to know them.
1219. If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
1220. I'm not dishonest, just morally different!
1221. Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?
1222.All computers wait at the same speed.
1223. You are only young once, but you can always be immature.
1224. Don't torture yourself. That's my job.
1225. Played poker with Tarot cards. Got a flush. 5 people died
1226. Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.
1227. Don't play stupid with me....I'm better at it.
1228. "Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo."
1229. "For example" is not proof.
1230. "Good morning!" is an opinion, not a greeting.
1231. "Have a nice day!" "No thanks, I have other plans."
1232. "Put knot yore trussed in spel chequers!"
1233. "State Of The Art" is technospeak for "unproven."
1234. How many Vulcans needed to replace a bulb? Precisely 1.000000
1235. A dog is a dog - unless it's facing you - then it's Mr. Dog.
1236. A dream is a postcard from our subconscious.
1237. A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
1238. A single fact can spoil a good argument.
1239. A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
1240. ALWAYS tell the truth - unless something better is handy.
1241. Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
1242. LUNACY: my best personality trait!
1243. Life would be easier if I had the source code.
1244. Mistakes will happen, but don't give them too much help.
1245. My Body's here, but my Mind's on vacation.
1246. My brain cell is aching something fierce!!!
1247. My last original thought died of loneliness.
1248. Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
1249. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
1250. Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.
1251. I'm user friendly. I don't byte -- I nybble.
1252. OPERATION HALTED: Unable to locate Coffee!!!
1253. Experience is what you get while expecting something else.
1254. I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.
1255. To a cat, "NO!" means, "Not while I'm looking."
1256. There is no gravity - the Earth Sucks.
1257. Wanted: 386DX Fatherboard to have SX with my Motherboard.
1258. Change your mind - or at least repair it.
1259. Go ahead. Be naughty. Save Santa the trip....
1260. Which version of the truth would you prefer today?
1261. The wrong way always seems more reasonable.
1262. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
1263. Sleep? Isn't that some inferior caffeine replacement?
1264. Pi R squared. Noo! Pie R round - cornbread R square!
1265. A social life? What board do I download THAT from?
1266. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
1267. A pessimist is never disappointed.
1268. Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
1269. Practice makes perfect - but if nobody's perfect, a lot of people are wasting their time.
1270. If our knees were bent backwards, what would chairs look like?
1271. I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
1272. Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about forever.
1273. Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.
1274. Where there is a will, I want to be in it.
1275. Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
1276. Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
1277. There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.
1278. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
1279. Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
1280. How much faith is required to become an atheist?
1281. Atheists say there is no God. So who pops up the next tissue in the box then?
1282. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
1283. I prefer to remain an enigma.
1284. I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
1285. Very funny Scotty! Now beam me my clothes!
1286. I believe in youthenasia.
1287. I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
1288. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave me a message.
1289. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
1290. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
1291. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
1292. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
1293. Jesus is coming – quick, everybody, look busy!
1294. I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
1295. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
1296. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.
1297. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
1298. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
1399. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
1300. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
1301. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
1302. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
1303. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
1304. In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday.
1305. Wanted: meaningful, overnight relationship.
1306. I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
1307. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
1308. False hope is better than no hope at all.
1309. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
1310. Why waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
1311. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
1312. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
1313. It's not an optical illusion - it just looks like one.
1314. Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
1315. When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
1316. Science is true. Don't be misled by the facts.
1317. If I discovered what I was doing, I would probably be bored.
1318. The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
1319. There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
1320. Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
1321. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ....... to ........ uh ......
1322. When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
1323. The one day you'd sell your soul for something, there's a glut of souls on the market.
1324. Cleanliness is next to impossible.
1325. No matter where you go, there you are.
1326. It is a mistake to let any mechanical device know you are in a hurry.
1327. Change is the status quo.
1328. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
1329. The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming freight train.
1330. Toe: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
1331. Confucius say . . . “He who run behind bus get exhausted.”
1332. Confucius say . . . “Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.”
1333. Familiarity breeds children.
1335. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
1336. A life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
1337. The worst thing about boredom is its consistency.
1338. Be careful of your thoughts - they may become words at any moment.
1339. Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
1340. Just how smart IS my ass?
1341. Money talks - but it speaks Japanese!
1342. Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?
1343. Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?
1344. Time flies . . . . after you hit the snooze button.
1345. Anything is possible . . . . unless it's not.
1346. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered drawer.
1347. If there's no life on Mars, where do Martians come from?
1348. Money is better than power, if only for financial reasons.
1349. It's great being smart 'cause then you know stuff.
1350. The cat is the only self-cleaning appliance in the house.
1351. A fool and his money are better than no fun at all.
1352. People who live in glass houses should use next door's bathroom.
1353. The shortest distance between two points is probably a toll road.
1354. Don't drink black coffee at lunch. It keeps you awake all afternoon.
1355. Money isn't everything. It's just up there with oxygen, food, water.
1356. Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
1357. I never met a carbohydrate I don't like.
1358. Reincarnation is my only hope.
1359. Love thy neighbour. You never know when your TV might break down.
1360. Life is filled with ups and downs but most of the time I seem to be going sideways.
1361. Life: Sexually transmitted disease, 100% fatal.
1362. Where there's a will there's a dead person.
1363. It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
1364. A pedestrian is someone who's found a place to park.
1365. Comics are to life what shock absorbers are to cars.
1366. The deadliest and most contagious threat to mankind is death.
1367. It's a small world, so you gotta use your elbow a lot.
1368. What's the collective noun for a group of oarsmen? A row.
1369. Just as I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
1370. Trouble's always a good shot, and in my case it has a laser sight.
1371. The only good thing about being perfect is the joy it brings to others.
1372. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can open a tackle and bait shop.
1373. You can't please everyone. But it is possible to make 'em all mad at the same time.
1374. Life is what happens while you're watching reality TV.
1375. My money talks but it slurs its words.
1376. I'm not original - just experienced.
1377. Good things come to those who wait but bad things show up right away.
1378. I'm only poor because it's cheaper.
1379. Hermits have no peer pressure.
1380. Yell out if you like peace and quiet.
1381. All food is fat free if you don't swallow it.
1382. There is no excuse for laziness - and yes, I've tried Google!
1383. When my boat comes in - I'm off to the airport!
1384. The road to success is a toll road.
1385. A morning without coffee is like . . . . sleep.
1386. Hindu dentists help transcend dental medication.
1387. Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
1388. Don't believe everything you hear nor anything you say.
1389. I txt, there4 I am.
1390. A fool and his money are soon invited places.
1391. Never be smarter than you think you are.
1392. When are you too old to die young?
1393. In theory, everything works.
1394. The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.
1395. I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
1396. All the world's a stage - and I missed rehearsal.
1397. Half the people in the world don't have the sense God gave a rock. The other half do.
1398. Never burn your bridges until you get to them.
1399. You have the right to remain stupid. Anything you say will be ignored.
1400. At my place, where there's smoke there's dinner.
1401. Decaffeinated coffee is like kissing your sister.
1402. If I didn't know any better, I'd be happy right now.
1403. I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded.
1404. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
1405. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
1406. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
1407. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
1408. I must be getting old. Work's less fun and fun's more work!
1409. So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
1410. The thought of terror frightens me.
1411. You can't teach people to be lazy. They either have it or they don't.
1412. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
1413. The older you get the better you get - unless you're a banana.
1414. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
1415. Early to bed, early to rise. Work like hell and advertise.
1416. Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% chance of getting it wrong.
1417. I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life - unless I want to buy something.
1418. Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame.
1419. Hello fellow telepaths. You're fine, how am I?
1420. If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
1421. If your dog is fat, you probably aren't getting enough exercise.
1422. Dogs have masters - cats have servants.
1423. If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable.
1424. My Dad's religious. That is, if football is a religion.
1425. The trouble with life is that you're half way through it before you realize it's a do it yourself thing.
1426. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
1427. My road to success could do with less potholes.
1428. Individuality. Great in everything except police line-ups.
1429. Anything preying on my mind would starve to death.
1430. All the world's a stage and I've got an obstructed view.
1431. I'm still not sure I understand ambiguity.
1432. Space is an illusion. Disk space doubly so.
1433. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
1434. Never let facts get in the way of a good argument.
1435. There is nothing wrong with my car that money can't fix.
1436. Nothing in life can hurt you - except of course barbed wire, but that's another story.
1437. Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
1438. Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
1439. May I refuse to inherit the earth?
1440. Never say, "oops!" Always say, "ah, interesting!"
1441. Age is only important when it comes to dead fish and good wine.
1442. If cars have horsepower, why don't boats have fishpower?
1443. Is watching summer re-runs deja view?
1444. You learn something new everyday - if you're not careful.
1445. It's a small world - but I wouldn't want to mow it.
1446. Ah, smoking . . . . brings a lump to my throat!
1447. Money is the sincerest form of flattery.
1448. If you're under par when you reach the golf course, how well will you play?
1449. If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
1450. I want everything! Do you have it?
1451. I'm clinging to sanity by a thread. Hand me the scissors will ya!
1452. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
1453. Everything was so different before it changed.
1454. All the world's a stage. Where does the audience sit?
1455. Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
1456. Your idea seems reasonable. Time to up my medication.
1457. Worry is like a rocking chair. It will give you something to do but it won't get you anywhere.
1458. Can you call me a taxi? No problem! You're a taxi.
1459. Veni, Vidi, Vacilate - I came, I saw, I couldn’t make up my mind.
1460. Veni, Vidi, Valueless - I came, I saw, I wasted my time.
1461. Veni, Vidi, Vaporize - I came, I saw, I found myself in a huge microwave oven.
1462. Veni, Vidi, Variable - I came, I saw, I noticed a lot of changes.
1463. Veni, Vidi, Vast - I came, I saw, I discovered I’m smaller than I thought.
1464. Veni, Vidi, Verify - I came, I saw, I came back to see it again.
1465. Veni, Vidi, Vision - I came, I saw, it was just as I imagined.
1466. Veni, Vidi, Vortex - I came, I saw, I became caught in a crowd.
1467. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
1468. Life is planned obsolescence.
1469. Don't leave me! Misery wouldn't be the same without you.
1470. Strike a happy medium. Slap a cheerful fortune teller.
1471. It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped as a cello!
1472. To every rule there is an exception - and vice versa.
1473. Veni, Vidi, Verbatum - I came, I saw, I told everyone about it.
1474. At my place, I get bed and boredom.
1475. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
1476. Postmen are first class male men.
1477. Why don't kids come with instructions?
1478. I have a good memory. It just doesn't last very long.
1479. Today is the tomorrow we forgot to plan for yesterday.
1480. Crime rate? It sure does!
1481. A signature tells a lot about a person. Sometimes even their name!
1482. Life is what goes by while we're watching television.
1483. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
1484. Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
1485. Who needs rhetorical questions?
1486. Blessed are the inept for they will be elected!
1487. Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
1489. Age is not important . . . unless you're a cheese!
1490. Dentists are happiest when they are down in the mouth.
1491. If it wasn't for television, I'd never get to sleep!
1492. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry - and you have to blow your own nose.
1493. I used to paint in the nude . . . . until I got a chill in the kidneys!
1494. Veni, vidi, venal - I came, I saw, I was bribed.
1495. If all the world's a stage, I sure have lousy seats.
1496. Never argue with an idiot. They'll just bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
1497. A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?"
1498. Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award because he was out standing in his field?
1499. Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen saying 'Parking Fine.'"
1500. Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was fantastic.
1501. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
1502. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
1503. What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
1504. What do Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!
1505. What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
1506. You know God has a sense of humour. He created politicians!
1507. I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
1508. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "no hard feelings."
1509. People who claim that computers will make life easier for us have obviously never used one.
1510. Computers come in two styles: prototype and obsolete!
1511. With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
1512. To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
1513. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
1514. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
1515. Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?
1516. Managing programmers is like herding cats.
1517. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
1518. Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
1519. Married men should forget their mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
1520. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
1521. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
1522. Why is there braille on drive thru atm's?
1523. I hate sex on tv, I keep falling off.
1524. Be Happy. Get Fat.
1525. What kind of cameras do manic-depressives use? Bipolaroids!
1526. Did you hear about the guy who had a problem with short-term memory loss?
1527. I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
1528. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
1529. Hell wouldn't have me... so I came back!!!
1530. Why do 24 hour stores have locks on their doors?
1531. Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt!
1532. Afghans can’t watch the news coz there’s a teleban.
1533. You say I’m a bitch - like its a bad thing?
1534. When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grand father did, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
1535. Some people say I am crazy... but they have never seen me off my medication.
1536. So what if I'm a psycho? There is no cure for being normal!
1537. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.
1538. Education teaches us how to earn money - experience how to enjoy it!
1539. Those who can, write. Those who can't, write manuals.
1540. Veni, Vidi, Volume. I came, I saw, I couldn't hear a thing.
1541. Wasting time is an important part of living.
1542. I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.
1543. The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
1544. Marriage = Alas & Alak.
1545. My computer has a lot of memory. I just can't remember where it is.
1546. Amazing how many people are just dying to get into the cemetery.
1547. Long live birth and death!
1548. Life: A karmadee.
1549. If you are disappointed, make another appointment.
1560. Anyone know who won the human race?
1561. Overspending brings VISA cardiac arrest.
1562. Frustrated doctor: one who's running out of patients.
1563. How does a dumb ass become a smart ass?
1564. If a wise ass marries a dumb ass, is the child a smart ass?
1565. Veni, Vidi, Vacate. I came, I saw, I took off.
1566. Veni, Vidi, Vault. I came, I saw, I jumped over the mess.
1567. Veni, Vidi, Verbalize. I came, I saw, I just had to remark.
1568. Nincompute: computer illiterate.
1569. Beware anyone who tells you to beware.
1570. Bigamist: A thick Italian fog.
1571. Tongue lashing: an assault on an ice cream cone.
1572. I've never met a person I couldn't blame.
1573. He who laughs last . . . would be very suited to teaching maths.
1574. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
1575. Before I went for a walk last night, my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
1576. How come we never hear about gruntled employees?
1577. Cryonics: many are culled, few are frozen.
1578. I child-proofed my home two years ago - and they're still getting in!
1579. I don't work out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain!
1580. Always get the facts first . . . then panic!
1581. Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side!
1582. To speed is human; to get caught de fine!
1583. The light at the end of the tunnel is at the wrong end!
1584. Sarcastic? Moi?
1585. Money can't buy love - but I'm willing to fake it!
1586. Damn the documentation! Full speed ahead!
1587. While the weather is still good, clean the drainpipes!
1588. My boss is a self made man and worships his creator!
1589. I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit!
1590. I diet religiously. I eat whatever I want and pray I don't gain weight.
1591. If it wasn't for advertising, there wouldn't be advertising!
1592. Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse!
1593. The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more!
1594. A little knowledge is . . . well . . . a little knowledge!
1595. Middle age is when you know your way around but don't feel like going!
1596. If life's a banquet, I'm going to need a doggy bag!
1597. Want to forget your troubles? Wear tight shoes!
1598. They are only trying to make you look paranoid!
1599. I could cope better with the rat race if I had more cheese!
1600. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity!
1601. Middle age is when wherever you go, you take a jumper!
1602. It's hard to seize the day while struggling through the morning.
1603. Tact is for those who lack the wit for sarcasm.
1604. Life is no laughing mattress. It is very serial!
1605. Sarcasm is nature's natural defense against stupidity.
1606. Creaky voice? See a Choirpractor.
1607. I used up all my sick days so I called in dead.
1608. My wife's other car is a broom!
1609. If life's a game, when's half-time and who's got the sandwiches?
1610. My hair is dying from lack of brain food!
1611. I tried shadow boxing once. My shadow won.
1612. Avoid junk mail. Get an unlisted post code.
1613. If life's a race, I've been scratched.
1614. Who needs comedians when we've got politicians?
1615. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old to do it.
1616. Two minutes isn't much . . . . unless you've missed the bus.
1617. A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist!
1618. We had a nasty scare the day Fred died. He almost pulled through!
1619. When in doubt - suggest a subcommittee be appointed!
1620. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
1621. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
1622. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same bucket.
1623. Money can't buy happiness . . but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than on a bus.
1624. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
1625. I never exaggerate - I just remember really big!
1626. Success is reaching 40 before your waist does.
1627. Never let mere proof sway your opinions!
1628. Courtship is when you try each other on for sighs.
1629. If you can't change your mind, at least repair it!
1630. When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
1631. Love makes you do funny things. It made me get married.
1632. Blessed are the faultless for they have all the answers!
1633. If life is a joke, the question is: for whose amusement?
1634. I've got all this emotional baggage and no claim check!
1635. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
1636. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
1637. I tried to get a life once but they were out of stock.
1638. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
1639. Middle age: half way between adolescence and obsolescence.
1640. If we have free speech, why do I still get phone bills?
1641. Pollution is really making us pay through the nose!
1642. I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
1643. My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one!
1644. Teach your children the value of money. Borrow from them!
1645. Bad is never good until worse happens!
1646. Creative clutter is lots better than idle neatness!
1647. I don't just flirt with danger - I take it out on dates!
1648. Having children turns you into your parents!
1649. Men are great! Every woman should own one!
1650. Computers eliminate spare time!
1651. The man who invented the eraser really had the human race sized up!
1652. God created man first because he didn't want any advice.
1653. If you think pushing 40 is hard, wait 'til you start dragging it.
1654. The patient will inherit the earth - eventually!
1655. A miser is hard to live with - but makes a great ancestor!
1656. The only exercise some people get is stretching the truth!
1657. I took the road less travelled - it needs more rest rooms!
1658. Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change - and when we are right, make us easy to live with.
1659. Moving fast isn't the same as going places!
1670. God must love stupid people - He made so many of them.
1671. I know very little about music. I can't tell my brass from my oboe.
1672. If you're dying of boredom, does your life flash before your eyes or go in slow motion?
1673. If enough ain't enough, too much probably won't be either.
1674. If at first you don't succeed, find out if there's a prize for second!
1675. My car has wife-assisted steering.
1676. It's no use crying over spilled milk - it only makes it salty for the cat!
1677. Life is made up of big problems and small problems: some days you get both.
1678. The problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.
1679. Anything worth doing should have been done by now.
1680. There are two times I feel stress - day and night.
1681. If time is money - then my watch must be slow.
1682. Old is when all the phone numbers in your black book are doctors.
1683. The older I get, the older old is.
1684. What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
1685. On the bright side, time flies when you're have a panic attack.
1686. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's crucial to know what it was!
1687. If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.
1688. Always sharpen your sleeping skills regularly.
1689. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
1690. I've never been lost in my life. Misplaced occasionally but never lost!
1691. I always win except when I lose - but then I just don't count it.
1692. Living in the past has one thing going for it - it's cheap!
1693. Hit me, beat me.......make me listen to rap music!
1694. A mistake is an opportunity to begin again - but this time more intelligently!
1695. If God had wanted us to fly, He wouldn't have created airline food.
1696. Death, taxes and software update notices!
1697. Letting someone take over your life is like letting the waiter eat your dinner.
1698. I have a great memory - now if I could only find it!
1699. Some days I feel like I've got a guardian idiot!
1700. Love is a many gendered thing.
1701. The speed of light is only slightly faster than the speed of cat.
1702. What do you call a cow that is easily tricked? Gulli-bull.
1703. The lesson is what you read in the fine print. The experience is what you get when you don't.
1704. Money can't buy you love but it makes shopping fun.
1705. If life were a phone call, I'd be on hold!
1706. Free advice is often overpriced!
1707. Apathology - sorry for having no concern for aging bodies.
1708. When young, I was told not to pick my nose. When grown up, my plastic surgeon gave me lots of choices.
1709. Never drink black coffee at lunch. It keeps you awake all afternoon.
1710. It is not what my kids know that bothers me, it's how they found out!
1711. Life! Can't live with it! Can't live without it!
1712. Because of spiralling costs - I can't finish my staircase!
1713. If it wasn't for my arrogance I'd be perfect!
1714. Those who think they know it all, upset us who do!
1715. Anything that works is probably obsolete!
1716. Commercialism is destroying the economy! Send $29.92 for more info.
1717. If your under control, you're not going fast enough!
1718. It is as bad as we think and they are out to get us!
1719. Hi-o Silver - away! - The loan arranger.
1720. Death and taxes...and "shipping and handling."
1721. I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport.
1722. I decided to blow my brains out but I could only find one!
1723. I'm a big fan on recycling. As soon as I get money I spend it.
1724. I used to need cash to get a credit card but now I need a credit card to get cash!
1725. On a clear day, you can seek forever!
1726. When a mime fires a gun, does he use a silencer?
1727. The godfather + lawyer = an offer you can't understand!
1728. Money can't buy love. but it can rent a very close imitation.
1729. Caution! Stupidity may prove fatal if used excessively!
1730. I shot an arrow in the air and it stuck!
1731. Anything is impossible to those who don't have to do it themselves!
1732. Is there life before coffee?
1733. Tact: remembering a woman's birthday but not her age!
1734. How will I know when I'm enlightened?
1735. I never choose between two evils. I look at five or six.
1736. I'm on a mental diet . . . all I have is food for thought!
1737. Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.
1738. Friends – the people who stab you in the front.
1739. Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.
1740. Wagner's music is better than it sounds. (Mark Twain)
1741. I never remember my mistakes - my wife does that for me!
1742. Be aware....we already have enough lerts!
1743. A karaoke bar - a place where people who shouldn't drink applaud people who shouldn't sing.
1744. And the truth shall make you free - or at least reasonably priced.
1745. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat!
1746. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
1747. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake!
1748. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
1749. If my wife wants my opinion, she gives it to me!
1750. Is the government really organized crime? I don't think they're that organized!
1751. Just when you think you've got the key to success, they change the lock!
1752. If all is not lost, where is it?
1753. What's the use of worrying? Yesterday has gone and tomorrow isn't here yet!
1754. I can't believe I'm a sceptic!
1755. Anyone can change the future. It takes a politician to change the past!
1756. A penny saved.......is not much!
1757. Why isn't drug testing done on politicians?
1758. Every time I think I know where it is, someone moves it!
1759. My surgeon wears a mask when he operates and when he bills!
1760. I used to have it all together but now I have all together lost it.
1761. I have been in poo all my life - but I'm now working on my ass end dance.
1762. Who needs dignity when you can be in show business!
1763. If life's a movie, just wake me up for the good bits!
1764. It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
1765. Life is something that happens when you can't sleep.
1766. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
1767. If all the world's a stage, when's rehearsal?
1768. Many wish they never met me - and I am one of them!
1769. We've learned what a God of wrath has done - but what can grapes of wrath do?
1770. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
1771. Firmness in politicians is called obstinacy in others.
1772. Dinner! Dead animals and some stuff dug out of dirt.
1773. Never eat more than you can lift.
1774. Would a kryptonite cross keep both superman and batman away?
1775. My birth certificate has expired . . . where do I renew it?
1776. I must be down to my last layer of skin 'cause everyone says they can see right through me!
1777. In case of emergency . . . good luck!
1778. Don't let the name Captain Heartless fool you. I'm not a real captain.
1779. Lucky? Me? I got tennis elbow and athlete's foot playing chess!
1780. Some people have a black belt in stupidity!
1781. Life is a game and money is how we keep score!
1782. The result of insignificance is being none in a million.
1783. I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
1784. I'm not 40 something. I'm $39.95 plus shipping and handling!
1785. I don't have hot flashes - I have short, private vacations in the tropics.
1786. A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.
1787. A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked!
1788. Life's a bleach and then our hair dyes.
1789. My pet chair is well trained - it always obeys when I say sit!
1790. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
1791. I’m on a 50 day diet. So far I’ve lost 15 days!
1792. Conclusion: the place where we stop thinking.
1793. Grandparents and grandchildren get along because they have a common enemy."
1794. Do we really belong to the human race track?
1795. You may be not able to turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again!
1796. I have just entered the snapdragon part of my life. Part of me has snapped and the rest is draggin'!
1797. I just washed my brain and I haven't been the same since!
1798. You just can't tell a book by its movie.
1799. Hard work must have killed someone!
1800. Do it today. Tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal.
1801. Children seldom misquote you. In fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
1802. I'm so clumsy I have to put myself out of my reach!
1803. Frognosis: knowing how to croak.
1804. I made a terrible mystic when I chose to become a fakir!
1805. If a job is worth doing, it's worth watching someone else do it.
1806. Incompoop: too much overtime.
1807. That fish I had for lunch is repeating on me. Must have been a parrot."
1808. For those who are hard of hearing - may deaf do us part.
1809. The memory is the first thing to go. I forget what comes next.
1810. Coffee (noun) - The person upon whom one coughs.
1811. Flabbergasted - (adjective) - Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
1812. Abdicate (verb) - To give up all hope.
1813. Esplanade (verb) - To attempt an explanation while drunk.
1814. Willy-nilly (adjective) - Impotent.
1815. Negligent (adjective) - Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
1816. Lymph (verb) - To walk with a lisp.
1817. Gargoyle (noun) - Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
1818. Flatulence (noun) - Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
1819. Balderdash (noun) - A rapidly receding hairline.
1820. Testicle (noun) - A humorous question on an exam.
1821. Consciousness (noun) - that annoying time between naps.
1822. I
feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it off.
1823. I'd cook but I can't find the can opener.
1824. Biology grows on you.
1825. Be sincere - boast!
1826. The most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed".
1827. Save the world - it's where I keep all my stuff!
1828. Beautiful girls don't bother me - wish they would!
1829. You never know what you can't do until you try.
1830. How did a fool and his money get together?