GROWING OLD
LAST UPDATE: NOVEMBER 16, 2009
-There are three signs of old age. The first is loss of memory. I forgot the other two.
-I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
-Cremation? Think outside the box.
-We got married for better or worse. He couldn't do better. I couldn't do worse.
-At my age everything I buy comes with a lifetime guarantee.
-The shortest sentence is "I am." The longest is "I do."
-At my age, flowers scare me.
-I'm so old that whenever I eat out they ask me for money up front.
-With age comes wisdom - - - and discounts.
-I was always taught to respect my elders but now there's no one to respect.
-Goodbye tension! Hello pension!
-I was at the beauty shop for two hours! that was only for the estimate!
-Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Sometimes I let him sleep.
-Quit worrying about your health . . . it'll go away.
-I must be getting older . . . all the names in my phone book end with M.D.
-I'm not old - just chronologically gifted.
-Be nice to your children. They will choose your nursing home.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It helps us recognize a mistake when we make it again.
-Growing old is mandatory - growing up is optional.
-Insanity is the only means of relaxation
-Forget the health food. We need all the preservatives we can get!
-We know we're getting old when we stoop to tie our shoes and wonder what else
we can do while down there.
-We know we're getting old when we get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that we once got from a roller coaster.
-One mystery is how a two pound box of chocolates makes us gain five pounds.
-Every time we think of exercising, it is time to lie down until the thought
goes away.
-God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Being so far
behind, it looks like I will live forever.
-Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
-Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
-Amazing! Just hanging something in the closet awhile makes it shrink two
sizes!
-Inside some of us there is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can
usually be sedated with two pieces of chocolate cake.
-The older we get, the further we walked to school as children.
-Middle age is when you know your way around but don't feel like going.
-Marriage is popular because it combines maximum temptation with maximum
opportunity.
-Matrimony is the high sea for which no compass has been invented.
-Love is a matter of chemistry. That is why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-Any man who thinks he is more intelligent than his wife is married to a very
smart woman.
-My wife gives me breakfast in bed – if I sleep in the kitchen.
-I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking. Scared the shit out of me! So that's it, after today, no more reading.
-The older we get - the better we were.
-I went to the doctor with fluid on the knee and he said, "You're not aiming straight"!
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . .
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
4. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
8. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
9. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
11. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
chess?
12. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
13. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
14. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING MARVELLOUSLY MATURE WHEN:
1. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't
wearing any.
2. At the
breakfast table you hear snap, crackle and pop and you are not eating cereal.
3. You and
your teeth don't sleep together.
4. Your
back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you
wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes
two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When
your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When
happy hour is a nap.
9. When
you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money.
10. When
you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated
it.
11. When
all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When
you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still
there.
13. Your
idea of weightlifting is standing up.
14. It
takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your
memory is shorter and your complaining last longer.
16. Your
address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit
in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The
pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting
"lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The
twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It
takes twice as long to look half as good.
22.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You
look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole
time.
24. You
sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
Benefits of Growing Older
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the Weather Forecast.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
FRUSTRATION
When I
went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a park
bench and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and
then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well so why are you crying?"
She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "I can't remember where I live!!!!"
GETTING OLDER
An
older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ..
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't
recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when
you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your
zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
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A WELL PLANNED LIFE???
Two
women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to
live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second
marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
AGEING
At age
4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
MORE AGEING
What
is the difference
between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
HELPING HANDS
A
widowed old farmer put an ad in the country paper hoping to find a new wife. He
was surprised when a young and beautiful woman replied and agreed to marry him.
A month after the wedding, the farmer went to the pub to have a beer with his
mates and they asked him, “how’s the new wife?” He replied, “Can’t keep my hands
off her!”
For several months he returned and each time they asked the same question,
“How’s the new wife?” and he always replied, “Can’t keep my hands off her!”
Almost a year had passed and when asked how the new wife was, he replied: “She
ran off with one of my hands!”
EXERCISE FOR THE ELDERLY
Here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might
want to adopt the regimen for yourself - but be careful to take it gradually.
Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand. Extend your
arm straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Eventually try to reach a full minute. Relax.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50 LB. potato sacks,
and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each
hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in
each sack, but be careful not to overdo it.
THE NURSING HOME
Two
elderly residents one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of
their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old
lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right
over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over
there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles and give
you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down
in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
MEMORY LOSS
My
forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But to me, that is no joke.
For when
I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft
times I walk into a room
Say, "What am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero is my score.
At times
I put something away
Where it is safe, but, gee!
The person it is safest from
You guessed it. Generally me!
When
shopping I may see someone
Say, "Hi," and have a chat
Then, when that person walks away
I ask myself, "Who on earth was that?"
Yes, my
forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
P.S. I don't remember who I sent this to!
THE RAFFLE
An old country farmer with serious financial problems
bought a mule from another old farmer for $100,
who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said,
"Sorry,
but I have some bad news: The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would.
I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
FLORIDA SENIORS
An old lady is
sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I used to live here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says.
"For what did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh," says the woman. "So you're single..."
THE WIDOWER AND WIDOW
There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one
another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her
and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered,
"Yes. Yes, I
will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their
respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained
that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired,
"When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say,
"Why, I said, 'Yes,
yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
OOOPS!
Morris, an 82
year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing
great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that.
I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
THE BANANA SPLIT
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his
breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis"!
BORN AGAIN
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!”
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
THE ROSE
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love - you know - the one that's red and has thorns?”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that's the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
WHERE IN THE HECK . . .
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
WRITE IT DOWN
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so can you write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where's my toast ?”
WEDDING BELLS
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you're getting married?”
“Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can't cook too well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is she good in bed?” “I don't know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “Because she can still drive!”
EH?
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn't it?” Second one says, “No, it's Thursday!” Third one says, “So am I. Let's go get a beer.”
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A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You're really doing great, aren't you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I didn't say that. I said, ‘You've got a heart murmur; be careful.’”