2000 + JOKES

DOWN AT THE FARM

What did the vet give the sick pig? Oinkment
What do you call a three-legged ass? A wonkey donkey
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eye deer
Two cows are eating grass in the meadow. The first cow turns to the other and says, “Are you worried about mad cow disease? The second cow thinks carefully for a moment before replying, “Of course I’m not, I’m a duck.”
What goes “cluck, cluck, bang”? A chicken crossing a minefield
Where do sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa’s
How do you make a milkshake? Creep up behind the cow and shout “boo”
What happens if you walk under a cow? You get a pat on the head
What do you call a pig with no eyes? A pg
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun? Lamb-bo
What do you call a bull with a machine gun? Whatever he wants you to
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What are bird’s favorite television programs? Duck-umentaries
What kind of eggs do evil chickens lay? Devilled eggs
What do pigs wear with their shirts? Pigs ties
Where do American cows live? Moo York
What did the apple tree way to the farmer? Stop picking on me
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow? Roost beef
When is ink like a sheep? When it’s in a pen
Little birdie flying high dropped a message from the sky. “Oh, said the farmer, wiping his eye, isn’t it good that cows can’t fly.”
When is ink like a sheep? When it’s in a pen
What did the farmer give to the injured bird? Tweetment
What did the bull say when he came out of the china shop? “I’ve had a smashing time.”
Why didn’t the piglets listen to their grandfather? Because he was an old boar
Why did the farmer plough his filed with a steam roller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes
Why don’t the pigs talk to the chickens? Because they use foul language
How do you make ice cream? Put a cow in the freezer
What do you get if you cross a duck and a rooster? A bird that wakes you up at the quack of dawn
What happened to the sheep that swallowed a clock? It got flies
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken? An egg-splosion
What has four legs and says “boo”? A cow with a cold
Why do horses wear shoes? Because they can’t find boots that fit
What do you get if you cross a teddy with a pig? A teddy boar
What kind of bird lays electric eggs? A battery hen
What says “quick quick”? A duck with hiccups
What do you get if you cross a chicken and a cement mixer? A brick layer
Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you’re a chicken
What do sheep enjoy on sunny days? A baa-baa-cue
Why did the farmer give his chickens whiskey? He wanted them to lay Scotch eggs
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Farmer. Farmer who? Farmer distance you look much smaller
Why did the farmer take some hay to bed? To feed his nightmares
Why was the turkey the drummer in the band? He had his own drumsticks
Where do old cows live? In a moo-seum
Why didn’t the farmer say thank you to the pigs? He took them for grunted
How many sheep does it take to make a sweater? I didn’t know sheep could knit
Why did the horse cross the road? He wanted to visit his neigh-bors
Why did the farmer sleep under his tractor? He needed to wake up oily
Why did the farmer call his pig “Ink”? Because it was always running out of the pen
Which side of a chicken has most feathers? The outside
Why are cows not good dancers? They have two left feet
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce milk? An udder failure
Where do cows go to dance? Meatballs
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting c....moooooo!
What do you get if you cross a chicken and a skunk? A fowl smell
Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove he had guts
How do chickens know when to get up in the morning? They use an alarm cluck
Who was the pig writing to? His pen friend
Why do cows lie down when it rains? To keep each udder dry
Why did the chicken blush? She was hen-barrassed
What do you get if you cross a chicken and a dog? Pooched eggs
What do you call a sheep thief? A ram raider
What did one pig say to the other? Shall we be pen pals?
What did the ram say to his girlfriend? “I love ewe.”
What did the dog say to the cow? Woof
Why don’t the pigs go on holiday? They like to sty at home
What key did the cow choir sing in? Beef flat
How do you arrest a pig? Put him in ham cuffs
Why did the ram say to the ewe on Valentines Day? “Wool you be mine?”
How do sheep finish their letters? “Ewes sincerely.”
What do sheep say to each other at Christmas? “Season’s bleatings.”
Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder
Why shouldn’t you tell a pig your secrets? Because they’re squealers
How do you keep warm in winter? Central bleating
Why are chickens workaholics? They work around the cluck
Who wrote “Great Eggspectation?” Charles Chickens
What was written on the turkey’s gravestone? Roast in peace
What did the cow say to the comedian? “Herd any good ones lately?”
What do you call a cow wearing a crown? A dairy queen
What do you get if you cross some nuns with a chicken? A pecking order
What do you call a pig with fleas? Pork scratchings
What do you get if you cross a cow with a crystal ball? A message from the udder side
How did the farmer mend his trousers? With cabbage patches
What is a buttruss? A female goat
What do you call someone who steals pigs? A ham-burglar
What do you call a herd of cows with a sense of humour? A laughing stock
What is a running chicken? Poultry in motion
What do you call a goat that lives on a mountain? A hillbilly
What do you call a clever duck? A wise quacker
Why are sheep always broke? They keep getting fleeced
Why did the clown cross the road? To find his rubber chicken
How do horses propose? They go down on bended neigh
What do iron chickens do? Come home to rust
How do pigs make coffee? In a porkulater
Which part of a donkey is the oldest? Donkey’s ears
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk
What grows up and down at the same time? A duckling
What has five fingers and drives a tractor? A farm hand
What do you call a pig driving a car? A road hog
What do you get if you cross a pig with a snake? A boar constrictor
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because it was moooving house
What did the cow say to her calf when she saw its messy room? “Were you born in a barn?”
Why do chickens sit on their eggs? Because they don’t have any chairs
What do you call a quiet sheep? A shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheep
What did the cow say to the horse? “Why the long face?”
What does a cow call a fly? A moo-sance
What did the cow say on Christmas morning? “Mooory Christmas”
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas? “Merry Christmas to ewe.”
What do you call a chicken from outer space? An eggstraterrestial
How do pigs write their top secret messages? With invisible oink
What do you call a dancing sheep? A baaaaaalerina
What do you say to a chicken before it goes on stage? “Break an egg.”
What did the winner of the horse race lose? Its breath
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky
What has ears but can’t hear? Corn
If a rooster lays an egg on a roof, which way will it fall? It won’t – roosters can’t lay eggs
How do chickens bake a cake? From scratch
How does a chicken mail a letter? In a henvelope
Why was the bird afraid of the dark? Because she was a chicken
What does a duck put his cheese on? Quackers
Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail? The re-tail store
What did the duck say when it went shopping? “Put it on my bill.”
Did you hear the story about the peacock? It’s a beautiful tail
Why do hens lay eggs? Because if they dropped them they would break
Why wasn’t the rooster rich? He worked for chicken feed
Why did the chicken go to the doctor? It had people pox
What do you call a crate of ducks? A box of quackers
What key won’t open a door? A turkey
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow? Roost beef
How did the farmer count his cattle? With his cowculator
Why do cows like being told jokes? They like being amoosed
What do you call an arctic cow? An eskimoo
What was the pig’s favorite ballet? Swine Lake
Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine? An animal that knits its own sweaters
When is a horse not a horse? When it turns into pasture
How did the pig get to the hospital? In a hambulance
What do you get if you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and quackers
Why do ducks watch the news? To see the feather forecast
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was an udder catastrophe
What runs around a farm but doesn’t move? A fence
If a cow fell into a glass of cola, why wouldn’t it hurt? Because cola is a soft drink
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow? He wanted chocolate milk
Why is it hard to have a conversation with a goat? Because they always are butting in
What do you get if you cross a pig with a centipede? Bacon and legs
What did the policeman put on the pig? Ham cuffs
What do you call a female duck pretending to be a male? A fake drake
What kind of doctor treats ducks? A quack
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tadpole? A bull frog
What was the cow’s favorite James Bond movie? Dr Moo
What do you call a donkey with one eye and three legs? A winkey wonkey donkey
What do you call a horse with wheels? A mustang
What do you call a baby turkey? A goblet
What do you call a cow that says “baa”? Bilingual
What do you call an actor who keeps chickens? Gregory Peck
Why did the girl put a horse on her head? She wanted a pony tail
What do you call a Scottish horse rider? Jock Ey
What do you call a vampire pig? Pork-ula
What do you call a Danish prince with a pig on hi head? Hamlet 

UNDER THE SEA

Why won’t prawns share their sweets? Because they’re shellfish
How do electric eels taste? Shocking
What happened when the prawn went to the gym? It pulled a muscle
Why did the starfish blush? Because it saw the ship’s bottom
What does a crab say when it answers the phone? “Shello.”
Why did the octopus have to see the psychiatrist? Because he was a crazy, mixed-up squid
Why did the crab get arrested? He kept pinching things
What‘s yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard
Why was the fish disgusted? Because the sea weed
How do dolphins make a decision? They flipper coin
How do you make a fish keep a secret? Ask not to tell a sole
How do you know when there’s a whale in your refrigerator? You can’t shut the door
Why did the shark eat the clock? He was just killing time
What happened to the ship that sank in shark-infested water? It came back with a skeleton crew
Which fish do dogs chase? Catfish
What do you get if you cross an electric eel with a sponge? Shock absorbers
What happens when you cross a girl jellyfish and a boy jelly-fish? Jelly babies
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep on? A water bed
What do you get if you cross an octopus with a skunk? An octo-pong
What do two octopi do when they are in love? Walk arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm
What game do fish play? Name that tuna
What do you call a baby whale? A little squirt
What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck
Where did the sick ship go? To the docks
How do you sink a submarine full of idiots? Knock on the door
What part of a fish weighs the most? The scales
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel
What musical instruments do Spanish fishermen play? Cast – a – nets
What kind of fish can’t swim? Dead ones
What do you get if you cross a shark with a president of the USA? Jaws Washington
What do you do with crude oil? Teach it some manners
Why can’t the ocean sleep? It has rocks on its bed
Which underwater creature is good at math? An octo-plus
What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean? Nothing, it just waved
What do you get if you cross a piranha and a nose? I don’t know but I wouldn’t pick it
What do you call a fish that performs operations? A sturgeon
Why didn’t the shark eat the woman? It was a man eater
What sort of fish do you find in a birdcage? A perch
What sort of fish do you find in a shoe? An eel
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Whale. Whale who? Whale meet again
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Piranha. Piranha who? Piranha kettle – I need a cup of tea
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wave. Wave who? Wave got bored of waiting – goodbye
What fish light up the sky? Starfish
What do underwater police drive? Squid cars
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Kelp. Kelp who? Kelp me I’m drowning
What sort of fish go to heaven when they die? Angel fish
Why did the octopus’s dinner get cold? His mum told him to wash his hands before he ate
What eats its prey two by two? Noah’s shark
Where did the homeless octopus live? Squid row
What do you get if you cross shellfish with a rabbit? The oyster bunny
Why are fish bad at tennis? They don’t like getting close to the net
What do you call a whale that can’t keep secrets? A blubber mouth
What happened to the man who washed up on a purple beach? He was marooned
Who is the biggest gangster under the sea? Al Caprawn
What lives under the sea and bites all the fish? A clampire
What never gets any wetter no matter how much it rains? The sea
What kind of house weighs the least? A lighthouse
How do you catch a school of fish? With a bookworm
What holds water but is full of holes? A sponge
Who granted the fish’s wish? His fairy cod-mother
What happened to the ray when it met the great white shark? It became an x-ray
What did the lobster call when he wanted to go home? A taxi crab
What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? “I’m sorry – I didn’t do it on porpoise.”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck
What is the coldest mammal in the world? The blue whale
What do you call a fish on a table? A plaice mat
Man 1: What do you know about the dead sea? Man 2: I didn’t know it had been ill
Beach Fishing – by C. Shaw
Who held the baby octopus for ransom? Squidnappers
Who was voted the best-dressed creature in the sea? The sword fish, because he always looked sharp
Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze
What’s the best way to catch a fish? Have someone throw it to you
Which day of the week do fish hate? Fry-day
Where did the seaweed find a job? In the kelp wanted section
Where did the fish go on a date? The dive-in movie
Why did the fisherman throw peanut butter into the ocean? To go with the jelly fish
Where did the killer whale go to get his teeth fixed? The orca-dontist
What kind of ship never sinks? Friendships
What is a pirate’s favorite country? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh-gentina
Where is Captain Hook’s treasure chest? Under his treasure shirt

AT THE ZOO 

What’s striped and bouncy? A tiger on a pogo stick
What do you call a bear in a rain storm? A drizzly bear
What’s gray with red spots? An elephant with measles
Where do crows go for a drink? A crowbar
What’s gray and goes up and down? An elephant on a trampoline
What’s black and white, black and white? A zebra on a roundabout
What do you call a lion with a toothache? Rory
What’s orange, tastes sweet and swings fro trees? A meringue-utang
Where do monkeys buy their clothes? Jungle sales
Why do leopards lose at hide and seek? Because they are always spotted
What is a bear’s favorite drink? Koke-a-Koala
What do polar bears eat for lunch? Ice burgers
What happened to the leopard that had four baths a day? After a wee he was spotless
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper
What animal should you never play cards with? A cheetah
What do you call a lion that has just eaten your mother’s sister? An aunt-eater
What’s the difference between a flea and a wolf? One prowls on the hairy and one howls on the prairie
How does an elephant get down from a tree? It sits on a leaf and waits until fall
What do you call an elephant that can’t spell? Dumbo
What’s a crocodile’s favorite card game? Snap
What do you call an elephant witch doctor? Mumbo jumbo
What did the lion say when he saw a skateboarder? “Meals on wheels”
What’s black, white, green, black, white? Two penguins fighting over a pickle
What’s black and white and red al over? A sunburned penguin
What’s large, gray and goes around and around? An elephant stuck in a revolving door
What’s gray and goes up and down up and down? An elephant stuck in a lift
What’s black, white, black, white, black, white? A penguin rolling down a hill
Why isn’t there any aspirin in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-‘em-all
What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk? Winnie the Pooh!
What did the penguin sing to his friend on his birthday? “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
What do you call a penguin lost in the jungle? Lost
Where did the monkey go when he lost his tale? The retailer
What did the young buffalo’s dad say when he went off to college? “Bison.”
First man: “Have you been out hunting bear?” Second man: “No, I was wearing my trousers.”
Why shouldn’t you take a bear to the zoo? Because it would rather go bowling
Where do elephants go on vacation? Tuskany
How do you get down from a camel? You don’t get down from a camel, you get sown from a duck
How does an elephant get up a tree? It sits on an acorn and waits for it to grow
Why was the monkey arrested? The police wanted to gorilla
Why did the zookeeper separate the gnus? Because he had good gnus and bad gnus
What’s the best way to get a wild hippo? Call it names
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a clock? Polly-tics
What happened when the monkey chased the banana? The banana split
What do you call a bear with no ear? B
What bird is always out of breath? A puffin
What’s black, white and noisy? A penguin with a drum kit
Why did the chimp put a burger on his head? He thought he was a griller
What has antlers and bites? A moose-quito
Why does a giraffe have such a long neck? Because its head is a long way from its body
What does a porcupine have for lunch? Prickled onions
What do you get when you cross a chair with a bird? A stool pigeon
What did the chimp say when his sister had a baby? “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.”
What animal falls from clouds? Reindeer
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Celia. Celia who? Celia later alligator
Why do ostriches have a long neck? Because their feet smell
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because the kids have to play inside
Why do lions eat raw meat? Because they can’t cook
Why are elephants large, gray and wrinkly? Because if they were small, brown and furry, then they would be mice
What do you call an elephant in a letter box? Stuck
Why are elephants wrinkled? Because they don’t fit on the ironing board
What did the leopard say after his meal? “That hit the spots.”
What smells like bananas? Monkey farts
What sounds like a parrot? A carrot
What smells like eucalyptus? Koala farts
Why did the elephant paint the soles of his feet yellow? So he could hide upside-down in a bowl of custard
Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? Must work then!
Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs
What is black and white and pink all over? A hypo-potomus
What do you call a sick reptile? An illagator
What do you get if you cross a monkey with a firework? A baboom
What did the lion eat in the restaurant? The waiter
Why did the snake go to war? He was coiled up
What do you do when a herd of elephants is running toward you? Make a trunk call and reverse the charges
What’s the definition of an aardvark? A vark that thinks it’s tough
What is out of bounds? A tired kangaroo
What is a polygon? A dead parrot
What fur do you get from a tiger? As fur a way as possible
How do you know if there is an elephant in your bed? He has a bid E on his pyjamas
What’s big, gray and puts you in a trance? A hypno-potomus
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? An elephant with a runny nose
What looks like an elephant and can fly? A flying elephant
Why did the elephant take a shower? Because he couldn’t fit into the bath
How do you fix a broken chimp? With a monkey wrench
What kind of fruit do you get from an angry gorilla? Grrrrrrr-ape
What is big, gray and wobbles? A jello-phant
Why were the bears kissing? They were going teddy
What is a prickly pear? Two porcupines
What sort of dog has no tail and no legs? A hotdog
Why can’t a giraffe stand on its head? Because it’s too high up
Why do elephants wear sandals? To stop them sinking into the sand
Which elephant never gets wet? An umbrella-phant
Who do ostriches bury their heads in the sand? They’re looking for the elephants who didn’t sear sandals
Why can’t penguins keep secrets at the north pole? Because their teeth keep chattering
Why don’t koalas wear shoes? They like walking in bear feet
What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra
Why are giraffes brave? They’re always sticking their neck out
What type of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon
Why are anteaters good workers? Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone
What is a sheep’s favorite sport? Baaaaadminton
What animal is made from wood? A timber wolf
What do yaks talk about? The latest gnus
What is a wallaby’s favorite arcade game? Mortal wombat
What do you get if you cross a hyena and gravy? A laughing stock
What do you get if you cross a zebra and a pelican? Over the road safely
What do you get if you put a bear in the freezer? A teddy brrrr
What do you call a drunk rhino? A wino
What do you call a monkey with a bomb? A baboom
What do you call a hppo without a tail? A hippobottomless
Why did the tortoise cross the road? I don’t know – it’s not got to the other side yet
Do you see penguins on safaris? Not safaris I know
What do you call a pale teddy bear? Wan-ted
What do you call a tanned teddy bear? Unwan-ted
What do you call a happy teddy bear? Content-ted
Why are alligators quick witted? Because they always give snappy answers
What is black, white and red all over? An embarrassed zebra
What’s black and white and has wheels? A penguin on a skateboard
Why did the wolf cross the road? He wanted to eat the chicken
Why did the stag wear braces? He had buck teethWhich animal has a lot of gas? An aard-fart
What is an ape’s favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp
What do you call a tiger with no stripes? A lion
What is a reptiles favorite movie? The Lizard of OZ
What goes ha ha ha plop? A hyena laughing his head off
What do you get if you cross a jaguar with an elephant? A car with a big trunk
Why don’t leopards go on vacation? They can’t find the right spot
What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal
Who does the elephant use his trunk as a bookmark? So he always nose where he stopped reading
What happened when the goose got cold? She got people bumps
How do porcupines play leap frog? Carefully
Why are giraffes slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride
What is the highest form of animal life? A giraffe
What did the porcupine say to the cactus? “Mom?”
Why did the monkey cross the road? To get the banana on the other side
Is it hard to spot a leopard? No, they already come like that
What did the aardvark have on his pizza? Ant-chovies
Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snow bank
What is 500lb and wears glass slippers? Cinderellaphant
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in the strawberry patch
What has six legs, four ears, three trunks and five tusks? An elephant with spare parts
Why do elephants have gray skin? To keep their insides together
What should you do with a yellow elephant? Teach it to be brave
What should you do with a red elephant? Stop embarrassing it
What should you do with a blue elephant? Cheer it up
What’s black and white and red all over? A zebra wearing too much lipstick
What did the idiot call his pet zebra? Spot
Who much is a skunk worth? One scent
Why didn’t the lady run away from the lion? Because it was a man-eating lion
Zoo visitor: “What’s the new baby hippo’s name?” Hippo’s keeper: “I don’t know, he won’t tell me”
What do you use to paint a dromedary? Camel enamel
What do you call a fat chimp? A chunky monkey
What’s big, gray, brings you flowers and cheers you up? A get well-ephant
What’s gray and goes round and round? An elephant in a washing machine
What’s big, gray and has 16 wheels? An elephant on roller skates
What’s the difference between an elephant and a banana? Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 3000 miles
What’s as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?  An elephant’s shadow
What do koalas wear when it’s raining? Gumboots
What disguise did the elk wear? A false moose-tache
Why did the two elephants get chucked out of the swimming pool? Because they only had a pair of trunks between them 

SCHOOL DAYS

Why did the cross-eyed teacher get the sack? He couldn’t control his pupils
Why is history like fruitcake? It’s full of dates
Why did the bird fly into the library? It was looking for bookworms
Teacher: “If you had $1 and asked your mother for another $1, how much would you have?” Pupil: “$1, sir.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.” Pupil: “You don’t know my mother!”
Why are art galleries like retirement homes for teachers? They’re both full of old masters
Did you hear the one about the brilliant geography teacher? He had abroad knowledge of his subject
What’s black when it’s clean and white when it’s dirty? A blackboard
How many letters are there in the alphabet? 11 – T-H-E-A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T
When did nerds rule the world? In the dork ages
Dad: “Would you like me to help you with your homework?” Son: “No thanks. I’d rather get it wrong all by myself.”
Teacher: “If you had $20 in one pocket and $30 in the other pocket, what you have?” Boy: “Somebody else’s trousers.”
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her class was so bright
What did the music teacher call her daughters? Carol and Melody
Teacher: “Who can tell me where Hadrian’s Wall is?” Pupil: “Around his garden, sir?”
Why where the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights
What kind of food do math teachers eat? Square meals
Why was the math book worried? Because it had so many problems
What do history teachers do before they get married? Go out on dates
Why was the schoolboy locked in a cage? He was the teacher’s pet
Boy: “I can’t play soccer today, sir, I’ve sprained my ankle.” Teacher: “That’s a lame excuse!”
What happens when witches and wizards break the school rules? They are ex-spelled
Where do skinny teachers learn? Puny-versity
Where do music teachers train? Tune-iversity
Where do mad teachers train? Moon-iversity
What happened to the boy who messed around in music class? He got into treble
Boy: “Sir, when I grow up, I want to be a pilot.” Teacher: “You’ve got your head in the clouds, boy.”
What did the music teacher do when he was off sick? Sent in a note
Teacher: “Has your father been helping you with your homework?” Pupil: “No sir, he did it all by himself.”
What do you get if you cross the science department with a dog? A lab
Why did the school orchestra have such bad manners? It didn’t know how to conduct itself
Why didn’t the math teacher’s plant grow? Because it had square roots
Girl: “Our teacher talks to himself, what about yours?” Boy: “Yes, but she doesn’t realize it. She actually thinks we’re listening
What’s the definition of an archeologist? Someone whose career is in ruins
What has forty feet and sings? The school choir
Teacher: “What does coincidence mean?” Boy: “That’s funny, I was going to ask you the same thing!”
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine
Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8^th
What animal is best at math? Rabbits because they’re good at multiplying
What kind of tree did the math teacher plant in his garden? A geome-tree
Teacher: “If I had six apples in one hand and ten apples in the other hand what would I have?” Girl: “Huge hands, sir.”
Teacher: “John, I hope I didn’t see you copying Jack’s work.” John: “I hope you didn’t either, sir.”
Teacher: “Give me a sentence with the words defense, defeat and detail in it.” Student: “When the horse jumped over the fence, defeat went before detail.”
Teacher: “Simon, can you spell your name backwards?” Simon: “No mis.”
Teacher: “What is the most common sentence used in school?” Boy: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “correct.”
Father: “What did you learn in school today? Son: “Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.”
What two letters are always jealous? N-V
Boy: “I think my teacher loves me.” Mother: “Why do you say that? Boy: “She keeps putting Xs on my work.”
Mother: “What did you learn at school today?” Girl: “I don’t know. They’re not teaching us how to read until next week.”
What is the laziest letter of the alphabet? E because it’s always in bed
Which letter of the alphabet is always asking questions? Y
Daughter: “Dad, can you write in the dark?” Father: “Yes, I think so. What do you want me to write on? Daughter: “my report card.”
Mother: “Why did you swallow the money I gave you?” Son: “You said it was my lunch money.”
How do you spell 80 with just two letters? A - T
Why did the girl eat her homework? Because the teacher told her it was a piece of cake
“I’m sorry to tell you that your teacher has fallen down a wishing well.” “Yes! It works!”
What’s the most important thing to remember in chemistry? Don’t lick the spoon
Why did the boy slip on the library floor? He was in the non-friction section
What has a spine but no bones? A book
What were 20 schoolboys playing in a phone booth? Squash
What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a piece of furniture? A multiplication table
Son: “Dad, will you do my homework for me?” Father: “No son, that wouldn’t be right.” Son: “It won’t be right if I do it either.”
Teacher: “What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?” Boy: “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
Why shouldn’t you bring a piranha to class? Because they attack in schools
Teacher: “Who was the Roman queen of the gods? Girl: “Juno, sir.” Teacher: “Of course I do, but I’m asking you!”
Librarian: “How many books have you read in your lifetime? Boy: “I don’t know, I’m not dead yet.”
What do you call someone who keeps on talking when nobody’s listening any more? Teacher
Teacher: “Give me two pronouns.” Boy: “Who, me?” Teacher: “Correct.”
Teacher: “Why is your writing so untidy? Boy: “So you can’t spot my mistakes.”
How many days of the week start with the letter T?” Pupil: “Four - Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow.”
Teacher: “Who started the fight?” Boy “He did sir. He punched me back on purpose.”
When are uniforms a fire danger? When they are blazers
What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet
Teacher: “Give me a sentence beginning with the letter I.” Girl: “I is … “ Teacher: “No, always say ‘I am’” Girl: “Alright. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Teacher: “If ‘can’t’ is short for ‘cannot’ what is ‘don’t’ short for? Boy: “Doughnut.”
How do religious education teachers mark exam papers? They use spirit levels
Teacher: “This essay you wrote about a dog is exactly the same as your brother’s.” Girl: “Well, it’s the same dog, sir.”
Teacher: “Recite me your tables.” Boy: “Kitchen table, bedside table dining table….
Why are math teachers good at dancing? Because they’ve got logarithms
If two’s a company and three’s a crowd, what are four and five? Nine
What does everyone have that they can count on? Fingers
What do moths study at school? Mothematics
What did one book say to the other? Page me
How do you become a professor? By degrees
What did the electrician say to his son when he was late from school? “Wire you insulate?”
Teacher: “What is copper nitrate?” Boy: “Overtime pay for policemen.”
What is a bookworm’s idea of a big feast? War and Peace
Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly
How do bees get to school? On the school buzz
Teacher: “What is the centre of gravity?” Boy: “V, sir.”
How do you get strait A’s? Use a ruler
Why was the broom late for school? It overswept
What book has hair? The diction-hairy
What do you get when you cross a library and an elf? A shhhhh-elf
What is bigger when it’s upside down? 6
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes
How is an English teacher like a judge? They both hand out sentences
How did the science teacher freshen his breath? With experi-mints
Why was the teacher’s head wet? He had a brain storm
What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don’t take me for granite
Who writes invisible books? A ghost writer
Where did the librarian sleep? Between the covers
What do you call someone whose library books are overdue? A bookkeeper
What has wings and solves number problems? A moth-matician
Where do math teachers go to sight seeing? Times Square
Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? He thought it was high school
If a dictionary goes from A-Z, what goes from Z-A? Zebra
Why did the scientist have a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no-bell prize
Which book is about chickens? The hen-cyclopedia
What kind of building is the tallest in the world? The library, as it has the most stories
Why did the schoolboy throw a glass of water out the window? He wanted to see a waterfall
What do you call a man with this book on his head? Joe King
Which is the smartest American state? Alabama because it has 4 A’s and 1 B

PET PUNS

 What did the mouse say to the camera? “Cheese!”
What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? Mice pudding
Where do Dutch hamsters live? Hamster-dam
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a duck? A duck-filled fatty puss
What is lassie’s favorite flower? A collie flower
Why did the dog go to see the vet? He was feeling ruff
Where did the cat cross the road? At the purrdestrian crossing
Where would you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left it
What’s furry, has four legs and a suitcase? A dog going on vacation
What happens when you shout at a cat? You hurt its felines
Lady: “My cat thinks it’s a chicken.” Man: “Why don’t you take it to the vet? Lady: “We need the eggs.”
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Raining elephants
What’s a cat’s favorite take-away? Egg-fried mice
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? A hot, cross bunny
How do you stop your dog barking in the hallway? Put him in the kitchen
What do you get if you cross a dog with some soil? A Land Rover
Poster in a pet shop – Special offer this week. Buy one cat get one flea!
First man: “My dog has no nose.” Second man: “How does he smell?” First man: “Awful”
Girl: “I’ve lost my dog.” Boy: “Why don’t you put a notice in the newspaper?” Girl: “Don’t be silly. Dogs can’t read.”
Why do hamsters carry their food in their cheeks? Because they don’t have any pockets
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hairlineWhat do you get if you cross a rabbit with a frog? A ribbit
What has six eyes but can’t see? Three blind mice
What did the baby mouse say when she saw a bat for the first time? “I’ve just seen an angel.”
Why did the dog get thrown out of the butcher’s shop? He was chop-lifting
When is it unlucky to see a black cat? When you’re a mouse
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies
Why are cats such good singers? They’re very mew-sical
First man: “My parrot lays square eggs.” Second man: “That’s amazing. Can it talk too?” First man: “Yes, but only one word.” Second man: “What’s that?” First man: “Ouch!”
What goes “dot,dot, dash, squeak”? Mouse code
What do cats put in their lemonade? Mice cubes
What do you get if you cross a dog with a clock? A watchdog
What do you give a dog with a temperature? Mustard – it’s the best thing for a hot dog
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes? Have you ever seen a rabbit in glasses?
What do you get if you cross a cat and a lemon? A sour puss
Why can’t you milk a mouse? The bucket won’t fit underneath
What’s the most boring breed of dog? The dull-mation
What do you get if you cross a dog and a cat? An animal that chases itself
When’s the best time to buy a budgie? When their going cheep
What do you get if you cross some beetles and a rabbit? Bugs Bunny
What goes “now you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t”? A white rabbit on a zebra crossing
Why was the goldfish orange? The water made it rusty
Why don’t blind people sky dive? It’s too scary for their dogs
Why did the dog bury his bone? He forgot the combination for the safe
How do cats shop? From a cat-alogue
What do dogs say to each other before they eat? “Bone appetit”
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? It stole the show
What says “krab krab”? A dog barking at itself in a mirror
What do you call a man with an angry cat on his head? Claude
What is the cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice
Why did the cat get ten out of ten? It was purr-fect
What sort of cat do you need in an emergency? A first aid kitty
How do you make mice smell nice? Use mousewash
Where did the rabbit learn to fly? In the hare force
What was the canary doing in prison? It was a jail bird
What do you call frozen mice? Micicles
What do you call a dog that thinks it’s a sheep? Baaaaaarking mad
What did the mouse say when it broke its teeth? “Hard cheese.”
What do rodents send at Christmas? Crossmouse cards
What do you call a rabbit that’s won the lottery? A millionhare
What do you get if you cross a gundog with a maze? A lab-yrinth
What’s the difference between a dog with fleas and a bored guest? One’s going to itch and the others itching to go
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aware. Aware who? Aware, aware has my little dog gone?
What do you call a dog with a cold? Achoo-huahua
What do you call a Scottish parrot? A macaw
What do you call a mouse with no legs? Cat food
What do you call a dog that digs up bones? A barkyologist
How is cat food sold? Purr can
“Did you put the cat out?” “I didn’t know it was on fire!”
What do you call a dog that gets mail? A labrador receiver
What happened to the cat that drank 50 saucers of milk? It got the lap record
When is a brown dog not a brown dog? When it’s a greyhound
How do you know when your cat has eaten a duck? It looks down in the mouth
Did you hear about the dog that ran 100 miles to get a stick? It’s a bit far-fetched
What happened to the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone? The dog buried him in the garden
Girl: “Do you have any dogs going cheap?” Shop owner: “No, they all say “woof”
Which breed of cat purrs the most? Purrsians
What do you call a rodent with a sword? A mousekateer
What did the budgie say when it’s new cage fell apart? “Cheap cheap”
Did you hear about the cat that was stolen? It was taken by a purrsnatcher
What is the loudest pet? A trum-pet
Why did the dog go to court? He had a barking ticket
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend? A 14-carrot ring
Why did the cat go to sleep in the fireplace? Because she wanted to sleep like a log
What kind of rabbit drinks coffee? Mugs bunny
What do you get if you cross a canary with a 50-foot snake? A sing-a-long
What is a rabbit’s favorite music? Hip hop
What did the 500lb canary say? Here kitty kitty
“I’d like to buy some birdseed.” “How many birds do you have?” “None, I’d like to grow some”
Why didn’t the dog like the sea? There was something fishy about it
What do you get if you cross a spaniel, poodle and rooster? A cocker-poodle doo
What kind of cats go bowling? Ally cats
What do you get if you cross rabbits and ants? Bugs bunnies
What happened when 500 hares got loose? The police had to comb the area
Where do mice keep their boats? At the hickory dickory dock
What do rabbits use to keep their fur in place? Hare-spray
If a fire hydrant has h2o on the inside, what does it have on the outside? K9p
What do you call a fake horse? A phony pony
What do you call a rabbit comedian? A funny bunny
What do you call a cat comedian? A witty kitty
Why do cats have fur balls? Because they love a good gag
What do you call it when a cat bites? Catnip
What’s the worst type of cat to have? A catastrophe
What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a log
What do you call parrot food? Polly-filler
What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim? An octo-puss
Why was the cat so small? She only drank condensed milk
What do you get if you cross a dog with a cheetah? A dog that chases cars and catches them
Why should you be careful when it’s raining cats and dogs? You could step in a poodle
What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion? A terrified postman
What kind of dog wears glasses? A cock-eyed spaniel
What did the dalmation say after it ate its dinner? That hit the spots
Why do dogs wag their tails? Because no-one else will do it for them
How does Mickey feel when Minnie is mad at him? Mouserable
What do you call a dog that’s out in the snow? A chilli dog
Where did the newly-wed rabbits go? On their bunnymoon
What do you call a dog that does experiments? A lab-rador
What do you call a dog that makes a bolt for the door? Blacksmith 

GARDEN GIGGLES

What flower grows on you face? Two-lips
What’s brown and sticky? A stick
What did the tree say to the axe? “I’m stumped”
Which birds are always sad? Bluebirds
What’s a frog’s favorite flower? A croak-us
Why is grass dangerous? It’s full of blades
What did the confused owl say? “To-wit-to-why?”
How can you recognize a dogwood tree? By its bark
How do you get a one-armed idiot out of a tree? Wave to him
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A head-banger
What is a bird’s favorite part of the news? The feather forecast
Where do bees go on holiday? Sting-apore
Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it’s too far to walk
What kind of tree has hair? A fur tree
What does Santa use to weed his garden? His hoe hoe hoe
How many chestnuts grow on the average oak tree? None, chestnuts don’t grow on oak trees
Why should you be careful about telling secrets in a vegetable garden? Because corn has ears, potatoes have eyes and beanstalk
Why is the river lazy? It’s never out of its bed
What kind of bean doesn’t grow in the garden? A jellybean
When are flowers like underwear? When they are bloomers
What do you get if you cross a genius with a tree? Albert Pine-stein
What do you call a man with a tree growing out of his head? Edwood
What gets smaller the more you put in it? A hole in the ground
Why was the garden so bright? It had a lot of bulbs in it
What do tees and dogs have in common? Bark
Where did the bird invest its money? On the stork market
What was the sparrow’s favorite arcade game? Tweet Fighter
Father: “I’ll teach you to throw stones at the greenhouse!” Son: “It’s all right dad, I already know how to do it.”
Why was the ground greasy? Because the rain was dripping
Why did the gardener only wear one glove? Because the weather forecast said it could be sunny but on the other hand it could be cold
Did you hear about the gardener’s children? One’s a blooming idiot, but the other is a budding genius
Why are rocks ungrateful? They take everything for granite
What do you call a tree that will fit in you hand? A palm
It’s really busy work in the garden. Things keep cropping up!
Why did the tree dye its hair? Its roots were showing
What type of tree gets ill the most? A sycamore
Why did the gardener plant gold? He wanted rich soil
Why is the sky so high? So that birds don’t bump their heads
What do clouds wear underneath their clothes? Thunderwear
What do you call a Russian gardener? Ivanhoe
What did the gardener with the winning poker hand say? “Weed ‘em and reap.”
What bug tells the time? A clock-roach
What kind of bird works on a building site? A crane
What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebs
How did the firefly start the race? “Ready, steady, glow!”
How do you tell which end of a worm is its head? Tickle it and see which end smiles
How do trees get onto the internet? They log on
What’s green and pecks at trees? Woody wood-pickle
What type of birds stick together? Vel-crows
What did the alien say to the plant? “Take me to your weeder.”
What is a trees favorite drink? Root beer
What type of cookies do birds like? Chocolate chirp
What did the big flower say to the little flower? “How are you, bud?”
What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do? Bored
What is a tree’s favorite fruit? Pine-apple
What kind of garden does a baker have? A flour garden
Why did the gardener plant seeds in the pond? He wanted to grow watermelons
How does a rose ride a bike? By pushing the petals
What did the tree wear to the pool? Swimming trunks
What did the snowman put over his baby’s crib? A snowmobile
How does a tree count? “One, two, tree.”
What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle
What is a tree’s favorite American state? Oak-lahoma
What kind of tree has fingers? A palm tree
What month do trees dislike? Sep-timber
What do flowers wear? Petal pushers
Why didn’t the tree like playing checkers? It was a chess-nut
What books do owls like to read? Hoot dunnits
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
What do bees do with their honey? They cell it
What do you get if you cross a rose with a crocodile? I don’t know but I wouldn’t try sniffing it
How do you send a message in a forest? By moss code
What vegetable do you get when a dinosaur walks through your garden? A squash
When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather
What did the tree say to the woodcutter? “Leaf me alone.”
What did the dirt say when it started to rain? “If this keeps up my name’s gonna be mud.”
What flower lies down? A lazy daisy
What was the bee’s favorite movie? The Sting
What does the queen bee do when she burps? Issues a royal pardon
How do you catch a unique bird? U-neek up on him
How do you catch a tame bird? The tame way
Why did the snail cross the road? To get to the shell station
What is the queen’s favorite weather? Reign
What do you call a girl with one foot either side of the river? Bridget
What happened to the rhubarb thief? He was taken into custardy 

ON THE MOVE

How did the man feel after he got run over? Tyred
What kind of driver doesn’t need a licence? A screwdriver
What do yu call a vicar on a motorbike? Rev
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a road
What is the laziest part of a car? The wheels, because they’re always tyred
What has wheels and goes “hic,hic,hic”? A Hiccup truck
What did the jack say to the car? Can I give you a lift?
What vegetable do you not want on a boat? A leek
Why isn’t it safe to sleep on trains? Because they run over sleepers
What did the traffic lights say to the car? “Close you eyes, I’m changing.”
How do locomotives hear? Through the engine-ears
Knock knock. Who’s there? Cargo. Cargo who? Cargo vroom vroom
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome
Why did the man call his car baby? Because it always went with a rattle
What were Batman and Robin called after they got run over by a bus? Flatman and Ribbon
“I swam 10,000 meters in five seconds.” “How did you do that?” ”I went over a waterfall.”
What runs all day but is never out of breath? A train
“My car’s got a puncture.” “I told you to watch out for the fork in the road.”
What has wheels and flies? A garbage truck
What do you do with old bikes? Re-cycle them
What did the driver say to the hitchhiking kangaroo? “Hop in.”
What did the traffic warden say to the frog that was parked illegally? “Hop it or I’ll have you toad away.”
Why did the ram crash his car? Because he didn’t see the ewe turn
Girl: “My dad drives like lightening.” Boy: “You mean he drives fast?” Girl: “No, he hits trees.”
What do old car wheels do? Re-tyre
What do you call a bike that keeps hurting people? A vicious cycle
What do you call an ejector seat in a helicopter? A bad idea
hat do you call a traffic warden who never writes any tickets? A terrific warden
What do you call a blonde police officer? A fair cop
What do you call the history of a car? An autobiography
What does a train driver wear on his feet? Platform shoes
Why are hairdressers good drivers? They know all the short cuts
Parachute for sale – no strings attached
Why are train drivers always worried? Because their jobs are on the line
What do you call a lorry full of feet? A toe truck
What’s a ten-letter word that starts with gas? Automobile
If a whole country drove pink cars, what would it be? A pink car-nation
Where do cars go swimming? In a car pool
Why did the beggar get thrown off the ship? Because beggars can’t be cruisers
What did the frog do when his car broke down? He got toad
What happened to the wooden car? It wooden go
Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it’s two tyred
Who can hold up a bus with one hand? A police officer
What do you call a flying policeman? A helicopper
What do you call a musical automobile? A cartoon
What type of car does an electrician drive? A volts-wagon
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Flood lights
What did the tornado say to the car? “Do you want to go for a spin?”
What is the most tired part of a car? The exhaust pipe
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis
What do cars, trees, and elephants all have in common? Trunks
What did bug say when it hit the windshield? “I don’t have the guts to do that again.”
What did the doctor give the sick car? A fuel injection
What does a train do with its food? Choo-choo
What kind of vehicles do Disney characters drive? Minnie-vans
Which American state is the best for driving? Rhode Island
What kind of motorbike can kook eggs? A scrambler
What do you call a toy railway? A play station
How long did it take the shoe to cross the road? The same time it took the person 

TECHNO FUN

What do you get if you put herbs in your computer? A thyme machine
Why did the computer go crazy? Because it had a screw loose
Why did the robot get a manicure? He had rusty nails
Why shouldn’t you give your mouse cheese? It makes a real mess of your computer
Why don’t elephants use computers? Because they’re afraid of the mouse
Why did the computer sneeze? It had a virus
What did the computer have for lunch? A byte to eat
Why was the computer so tired? It had a hard drive
Who don’t Vikings email? They prefer Norse code
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out? Hide their sneakers
What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A Big Mac
What did one keyboard say to another? You’re not my type
What did the computer mouse say to the webcam? “Cheese”
How do runners send email? On the sprinter-net
How can you tell when a robot is mad? He goes screwy
Did the robot have any brothers? No but he had plenty of tran-sisters
Why didn’t the mouse cross the road? The cord wasn’t long enough
How did the computer thief get out of jail? He pressed the escape key
Why did the computer wear glasses? To improve his web sight
Why did the computer cross the road? Because the chicken programmed it to
Why did the spider cross the road? To get to her website
What do computer operators eat for lunch? Micro-chips
What did the robot eat for a light snack? A 100-watt bulb
What did the mother robot say to her children? Look before you bleep
What do you get if you cross a laptop and a warlock? A computer wizard
Why didn’t the girl mouse like the boy mouse? They just didn’t click
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy discs
What do you get if you cross a PC and an elephant? A computer with a really big memory
What do you get if you cross a computer with a rhino? A broken desk
What do you get if you cross a telephone with some trousers? Bell bottoms
What do you get if you cross a computer virus and a vampire? A nasty byte
What did the light bulb say to its mother? “I love you watts and watts”
Why did the computer squeak? Someone trod on its mouse
How do you find monsters on the internet? Use a lurch engine
How do you know if an idiot’s been using the computer? There’s correction fluid on the screen
Where do computers take their sick pets? To the intervet
What happens if you get a gigabyte? It megahertz
Why are beavers aways on the internet? They never log off
Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide
What did the big cell phone say to the little cell phone? “You’re too small to be engaged.”
What do you call it when you’ve been bitten by a big computer? A megabyte
What do you get if you cross a computer with a million mosquitos? A gigabyte
Why was the computer good at golf? Because it had a hard drive
Why was the computer cold? It forgot to close the windows
Why was the computer injured? It had a slipped disc
What kind of music do computers like? Disc-o
Why was the fisherman mad at his computer? Because he wasn’t getting any bytes
What part of the computer was the alien’s favorite? The space bar
How do you catch a computer fish? Online or in the net
What was the baby’s first word? Data
What do you call a campground for spiders? A website
What do you call a man with a computer on his head? CD Ron 

CREEPY CRAWLY CRITTERS

Why did the ant elope? Nobody gnu
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes? Ant-ten-eye
What do you call an ant that lives alone? Independ-ant
Where do stupid ants live? Ant-twerp
How do you cure a poisoned ant? Give him the ant-idote
There were two snakes in the desert and one asked the other: “What’s 74 minus 23?” The second answered, “How should I know. I’m an adder!”
Why was the butterfly allowed to the dance? Because it was a moth ball
What’s a bee’s favorite flower? Bee-gonia
If bees make honey, what do wasps make? Wasp-berry jam
What’s black and yellow and buzzes at 35,000 feet? A bee in a plane
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple
What do you call a bay ant? An inf-ant
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken? Enough to feed a battalion
How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle
Why are glow worms good creatures to put in a heavy bag? They lighten the load
What animal is good at cricket? A bat
First bat: “Do you fancy going out for a bite?” second bat: “No, I think I’ll just hang around.”
What’s even better than a talking dog? A spelling bee
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A may-bee
What do you call a beetle in a space suit? Bug Lightyear
What do you call a nervous insect? A jitterbug
What kind of frog has horns? A bull frog
What’s the definition of a caterpillar? A worm in a fur coat
What lies on the ground, 100 feet up in the air, and smells? A dead centipede
Why did the flea get the sack from the flea circus? He wasn’t up to scratch
Did you hear about the angry flea? He was hopping mad
What do you call a positive flea? A hop-timist
What did the bus driver say to the frog? Hop on
What happened to the frog that parked his car illegally? He was toad away
Why was the frog crying? He was un-hoppy
Where do frogs keep their coats? In the croak room
How do you start an insect race? One, two, flea, go!
What’s another name for an Australian gecko? The Lizard of Oz
What goes buzz-dash-dash, buzz-dot-dot? A morse-quito
Why couldn’t the viper viper nose? Because the adder adder handkerchief
What do venomous snakes have? Poison-ality
What says dot-dot-croak, dash-dash-croak? Morse toad
What do you call a bee that’s always moaning? A grumble bee
What do snakes have on their bathroom walls? Rep-tiles
What is a skunks favorite game? Ping pong
How many skunks does it take to change a light bulb? A phew
How did the skunk ring his best friend? On his smell-ular phone
What do you call a mad flea? A loony tic
What do you call a retired fly? A flew
What did the glow worm say when he left the party? Bye, I’m glowing now
What do you call fighting bees? Rumble bees
Why did the dad caterpillar run out of money? He had to buy the kids new shoes
What’s long and green a goes “hith”? A snake with a lisp
Where do ants like to go on holiday? Ant-igua
What do you call an ant that skips school? A tru-ant
What did the teacher say to the naughty bee? “Will you behive!”
Why do bees hum? Because they can’t remember the words
What do frogs drink? Croak-a-cola
What is an insect’s favorite sport? Cricket
What was the snake’s favorite subject at school? Hiss-tory
What insect runs away from everything? A flea
What do frogs order at the drive thru? French flies and diet croak
Why was the centipede dropped from the soccer team? He took too long putting his boots on
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem
How do you stop a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose
Where do bees go to catch public transport? The buzz stop
What did the frog say to the toad? “Warts new?”
What do you get if you cross a galaxy with a toad? Star warts
How do snails fight? They slug it out
What did one hot bee say to the other? “Swarm.”
What did the bee say to the flower? “Hello honey.”
Where do tadpoles change? In the croak room
What should you do if there is a tarantula in your bed? Sleep somewhere else
Did you hear the joke about the skunk? It stinks
What type of animal isn’t truthful? An am-fib-ian
Which letter of the alphabet is also an insect? B
What did one bee say to the other? It’s none of your buzzness
What does a bumble bee sit on? His bee-hind
What did the judge say when he sentenced the skunk? “Odor in the court!”
What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter
What happened to the skunk that couldn’t swim? He stank
Why can’t skunks keep secrets? Because people are always getting wind of them
What was the skunks favorite part of school? Show and smell
What’s a skunk’s philosophy on life? Eat, stink and be merry
How do skunks avoid danger? By using their in-stinks and common scents
What did the bees do in their new hive? They had a hive-swarming party
What do you give a sick snake? Asp-rin
What do frogs drink at bed time? Croako
Why are male ants better at swimming than female ants? Because they are boy-ant
Why did the frog cross the road? To see what was hopping on the other side
What was the frog’s favorite ballet? Swamp Lake
Which insect can tell your fortune? A gypsy moth
What is a caterpillar afraid of? A dogerpillar
Which hand would you use to grab a venomous snake? Someone else’s
Why did the snake become a priest? He got the coiling
Why do bees buzz? Because they can’t whistle
Who was the bee’s favorite artist? Pablo Bee-casso
What tastes sweet and has big sharp teeth? A chocodile
What do you get if you cross a serpent and a trombone? A snake in the brass
What do you call lots of panicking snakes? Mass hisss-teria
What do you call a lady worm? A worman
Why did the termite eat the sofa and chairs? He had a suite tooth
How much did the American pay for the skunk? One scent
Why was the mother flea sad? All her children had gone to the dogs
What did the snake say when the lizard asked it for the time? “Don’t asp me!”
How do you make a moth ball? Hit it on the nose
What do bees chew? Bumble gum
What’s yellow, black and covered in berries? A bramble bee
What can fly, has six legs, speaks Norwegian and bites? A Norse-quito
Why was 2004 a good year for frogs? It was a leap year
Did you hear about the pregnant snake? She gave birth to a bouncing baby boa
What do you call a homeless snail? A slug
What’s the difference between a fly and a monster? Quite a lot, really
What game do dinosaurs play with ants? Squash
What did the slug say to the other slug that hit him and ran off? I’ll get you next slime
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a pint of beer? Light ale
Why do worms taste like chewing gum? Because they are Wrigleys
Why did the boa constrictors date? They had a crush on each other
Why are snakes hard to fool? They don’t have any legs to pull
What do you call a python with the gift of the gab? A snake charmer
What do you get if you cross two snakes with magic spells? Addercadabra and abradacobra
What did one frog say to the other? What did one frog say to the other? Time’s fun when you’re having flies
What do fireflies eat? Light snacks
Who wrote “Keeping Snakes”? Sir Pent
What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad sandals
Why did the clock scratch? It had ticks
How do fleas travel? They itch-hike
What do you get if you cross a snake with a pastry? A pie-thon
Did you hear about the two frogs that tried to kiss in the fog? They mist
What is a spider’s favorite food? Corn on the cob-web
Why don’t bats live alone? They like to hang around with their friends
What is smaller than an ant’s mouth? An ant’s dinner
Why shouldn’t you step on a frog? Because you’ll make him hopping mad
What’s green and loud? A froghorn

AFTER DARK

Where do ghosts go on vacation? The Dead Sea
Where else do ghosts go on vacation? Lake Eerie
Did you hear about the man who quit his job as an undertaker? He thought it was a dead-end job
What kind of road did the ghost live on? A dead end
What do you call a ghost policeman? A chief in-spectre
A ghost walked into a bar and asked for a double whiskey. The barman replied, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
What did the werewolf eat after he had a tooth out? The dentist
Why don’t vampires like arguing? Because they don’t want to get cross
In what way are vampires artistic? They’re good at drawing blood
What delivers monster babies? The Frankenstork
Where does a witch keep her purse? In her hag bag
Witch: “Doctor, doctor, I don’t feel very well.” Doctor: “Stay in bed for a spell.”
Why did the boy take a clock and a chick out on Halloween? Because it was tick or tweet
What’s a vampire’s favorite drink? A Bloody Mary
Where do vampires keep there money? At the blood bank
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with
What sort of wine do skeletons like? One with plenty of body
What do ghouls eat for breakfast? Dreaded wheat
How does a witch feel on long journeys? Broom-sick
What happened to the witch who lost her temper with her broomstick? She flew off the handle
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks after dark? That’s the time to go to sweep
What pasta do ghosts like best? Boo-berry pie
What does Dracula take when he has a cold? Coffin medicine
First ghost: “You look tired.” Second ghost: “Yes, I’m dead on my feet.”
What do ghosts have on their sandwiches? Boo-loney
Why didn’t the vampire have any friends? He was a pain in the neck
What’s Dracula’s favorite sport? Bat-minton
What has webbed feet and fangs? Count Duckula
What was the demon’s favorite sitcom? Fiends
Why was the graveyard so noisy? Because of all the coffin
What do you call an ugly hag who stops cars with her thumb? A witch-hiker
What do ghost school children write their homework in? Exorcise books
Why did the vampire go to the hospital? To have his ghoul-stones removed
Man: “Who was that at the door?” Woman: “The invisible man.” Man: “tell him I can’t see him.”
What happened to the hag who fell in poison ivy? She became an itchy witchy
Why do vampires drink blood? Cola makes them burp
Doctor Jekyll has created a medicine. One sip and you’re a new man
What do monsters do when they have sore throats? Gargoyle
What did Quasimodo say when the teacher asked him a question? “I have a hunch….”
Knock knock. Who’s there? Turner. Turner who? Turner round slowly, there’s a monster behind you
What do you get if you cross a plum with a monster? A purple people eater
What do you call a friendly monster? A failure
Why was the operating theater haunted? It was full of surgical spirits
Why did the ghost go to the theater? To watch the phanto-mime
What is a baby ghost’s favorite bedtime story? Ghoul-dilocks
What’s large, green and sits in the corner and cries? The incredible sulk
Why did the zombie stay in bed? He felt rotten
What do devils drink? Demonade
What is a monster’s favorite cheese? Monster-ella
What do you get if you cross a monster with a skunk? Stinkenstein
Why don’t ghosts like rain? It dampens their spirit
What do you call a witch on the beach? A sand-witch
Why don’t mummies have any friends? Because they are too wrapped up in themselves
What do you call a monster at a disco? The boogie-man
What is a vampires favorite fruit? Neck-terines
What was the ghost’s favorite nursery rhyme? Little Boo peep
Why did Doctor Jekyll cross the road? To get to the other Hyde
Who did the ghost take to the movies? His ghoul-friend
Why are ghosts bad liars? You can see tight through them
What did the sad ghost say? “Boo hoo.”
Why do skeletons play the pianos? Because they don’t have any organs
What did the monster read in the newspaper? His horror-scope
What game do ghosts like playing? Hide and shriek
How do you make a skeleton laugh? Tickle his funny bone
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Witches. Witches who? Witches the way home?
Where would you find a giant snail? On the end of his finger
What do you call a witch who drives badly? A road hag
What’s black and has eight wheels? A witch on roller skates
How do witches tell the time? They wear witch watches
What did the hippy vampire say” “Ghoul, man, real ghoul.”
What do you call a ghost’s mother? Transparent
How do you make a monster stew? Keep him waiting for three hours
What happened when the vampire went mad? He went a bit batty
Why do devils and ghosts get on so well? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend
What did the vampire say to the werewolf? “You look like you’re going to the dogs.”
Why did the witch call hotel reception? She wanted broom service
What goes ha ha ha bonk? A zombie laughing his head off
Why don’t mummies like to rest? They’re afraid to unwind
Who won the vampire race? No one. It was neck and neck
Where do Chinese vampires live? Fang-hai
What is Dracula’s favorite ice-cream? Vein-illa
What do you get if you cross Dracula and Sir Lancelot? A bite in shining armor
What’s pink and has a curly tail and fangs? A ham-pire
What’s white, fluffy and hates garlic? A lamb-pire
What do you call an unmarried vampire? A bat-chelor
Where do zombies go on cruises? The Dead-iterranean
What do you call a clever monster? Frank Einstein
Why did the vampire go to the blood bank? To make a withdrawal
How do skeletons call their friends? On the telebone
What is a vampire’s favorite soup? Scream of tomato
What did the witchdoctor say to the tribeswoman? “Voodoo like to dance?”
What airline do monsters fly? British Scareways
Which ghost scared James Bond? Ghoul-dfinger
How do you address a monster? Very politely
What is a monster’s favorite aftershave? Brute
Who wrote a book called ‘The Haunted House’? Hugo First
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Jacqueline. Jacqueline who? Jacqueline Hyde
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avon. Avon who? Avon to drink your blood
What did the monster get when he fell through the window? A pane
What is the first thing you should put into a haunted house? Someone else
What does a vampire get when he drinks too much? A fangover
Did you hear about the musical mummy? He was in a rock bandage
Did you hear about the werewolf who dropped his trousers? It was a full moon
How do you get rid of a vampire? Ask him if he’d like garlic mushrooms with his steak
How did the skeleton boy get to school? On the skull bus
Why did the werewolf eat the jogger? He liked fast food
What did the short-sighted ghost wear? Spectre-ghouls
How do vampires wash? In a blood bath
What do you call a vampire you can dip in your tea? Count Dunkula
What do you call a lost hairy man-dog? A where-am-I wolf
Where do you go to get a Dracula costume? Vamp-hire
What view did the mummy get from the top of the pyramids? As pharaoh the eye can see
What did Frankenstein do when the monster’s head fell off? He made a bolt for it
What did the ghost call his teddy bear? Winnie the boooooooooh
What do zombies put on their roast beef? Grave-y
Why did Ghoul-dilocks go to Egypt? She wanted to see the mummy bear
What sort of jokes are a werewolf’s favorite? Howlers
Why did the shy werewolf hide in the wardrobe every full moon? He didn’t want anyone to see him changing
Why was the mummy tense? He had been all wound up
Where do ghouls mail their letters? In the ghost box
Who delivers them? The ghostman
Who travels on haunted airways? Air ghostesses and lots of high spirits
What type of horses do ghosts ride? Night-mares
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What do baby sea monsters play with? Doll-phins
What did the monster say when he saw the crowded swimming pool? “Oh look, soup!”
What do you calla stupid vampire? A clot
Did the ghost enjoy the party? Yes, he had a whale of a time
How did the ghost begin his letter? “Tomb it may concern.”
Which sea monster swims in his underwear? The Loch Vest monster
Which sea monster is untidy? The Loch Mess monster
What do you call a positive sea monster? The Loch Yes monster
Why are vampires so stupid? Because blood is thicker than water
Where does Dracula go on vacation? Holiday vamp
What vegetables do monsters eat with their Christmas dinner? Boy sprouts
Where do ghouls post their letters? At the ghost office
How do you make a witch itch? Take away the w
What kind of tests do witches take? Hex-aminations
What do monsters call humans? Dinner
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? Into what?
What do you say to a three-headed monster? “Hello hello hello.”
Why did the ghost go into the hospital? To get his ghoul stones removed
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a plumber? A drain in the neck
What is a vampire’s favorite sport? Drac racing
Why did the vampire stay up so late? He was studying for his blood test
Where does Dracula get his pencils? Pencil-vania
Where do vampires fish live? In the blood stream
Why didn’t the servant return when Dracula sent him to get a paper? He was out for the Count
How do you talk to a monster? Use big words
Why can’t vampires write poetry? They go from bat to verse
First monster: “Oh dear – am I late for dinner?” Second monster: “Yes, everybody’s already been eaten.”
What did the vampire say when he saw the sleeping lady? “Breakfast in bed.”
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place? With air spray!
Who did Dracula have a crush on? The girl necks door
Why did the stupid monster put his hands over his ears? He was trying to hold on to a thought
Why did the vampire use a red pencil? So that he could draw blood
What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend? “Oh my goodness! Where did you dig her up?”
Why did the werewolf bring toilet paper to the party? Because he was a party pooper
What kind of fur do you get from a vampire? As fur away as possible
Where do American vampires work? The Vampire State Building
Why was the vampire an embarrassment to his father? He fainted at the sight of blood
How do you make a monster’s eyes light up? Shine a torch in his ears
What do you do when a monster throws a hand grenade at you? Pull out the pin and throw it back
How does a monster clean his house? With a victim cleaner
What do you call a dream where you are being attacked by vampires? A bitemare
What do you call the spot in the middle of the graveyard? Dead center
Why was the ghost arrested? He didn’t have a haunting licence
What happened to the vampires who fell in love? They loved in vein
How was the bicycle ghost proof? It didn’t have any spooks
How do you tell a friendly monster from an unfriendly one? If he’s friendly, you’ll be able to talk about it later
Why did the monster cross the road? He wanted to know what it was like being a chicken
When do banshees wail? On Moanday night
What do you give a monster with big feet? Big shoes
Man: “The police are looking for a monster with one eye.” Woman: “Why don’t they use both eyes?”
First zombie: “That beautiful creature just rolled her eyes at me.” Second zombie: “Well, roll them back, she might need them.”
What ghoul has the best hearing? The eeriest
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend? “I love every bone in your body.”
What is big, hairy and scary and jumps up and down? A monster on a pogo stick
What do you get if you cross a pen with a green monster? The ink-redible hulk
What happened to the monster that ate too much uranium? He got atomic-ache
Who do zombie cowboys fight? Deadskins
What do you call zombies in a belfry? Dead ringers
What does Frankenstein’s monster call a screwdriver? Daddy
Who wrote “The Angry Werewolf”? Claudia Armoff
Why did Dracula go to the dentist? He had fang decay
Why did Dracula have fang decay? He ate too many fang-cy cakes
What does the postman deliver to Dracula? Fang mail
What did the vampire call his daughter? Bloody Mary
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on? A wear wolf
What do you call a hairy beast in a river? A weir wolf
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts
What did the ghost eat at the birthday party? I scream
What did the witch’s broom do when it was tired? It went to sweep
What is Dracula’s favorite movie? The Vampire Strikes Back
What do witches put in their hair? Scare-spray
Where do ghosts go when they’re sick? To the witch doctor
Why do vampires use mouthwash? Because they have bat breath
What did the cool ghost say to the other cool ghost? “Get a life, dude.”
What was the ghost’s favorite song? Ghouls Just Wanna Have Fun
Which monster plays jokes on Halloween? Prank-enstein
What did the skeleton buy at the butchers? Spare ribs
What do you call a skeleton that won’t get out of bed? Lazy bones
What was the vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangs giving
What kind of music do mummies like? Wrap music
Why can’t skeletons sing in church? They don’t have any organs
What do you call a ghost that puts out fires? A fire frighter
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost? Fasten your sheet belt
What did Tutankhamen say when he was scared? I Want my mummy.” 

EMERGENCY ROOM

What does a dentist call x-rays? Tooth pics
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m an apple.” “We must get to the core of this.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing an insect walking around in circles.” “Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around.”
Did you hear about the dentist who became a brain surgeon? His drill slipped
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.” “Who said that?”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cat.” “How long have you felt like this?” “Since I was a kitten.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Kenya. Kenya who? Kenya fix my broken leg?
“Doctor, doctor, will these pills really cure me?” “Well, no one else I gave them to ever came back.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a little stye.” “You had better buy a little pig then.”
What happens when a psychiatrist tells you that you’re schizophrenic? He charges you double
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a tennis racquet.” “You must be highly strung.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.” “How do you feel?” “Up and down.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel run down.” “Look both ways before crossing the road next time.”
“Doctor, doctor, my tummy hurts.” “Stop your belly-aching.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a piano." "Hold on, I’ll take some notes.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed a roll of film.” “Let’s wait and see what develops.”
When do doctors get angry? When they run out of patients
Why did the nurse creep past the medicine cabinet? She didn’t want to wake the sleeping tablets
Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel? They’re both surrounded with nuts
“Doctor, doctor, can you help me out?" “Yes, sir, the door’s over there.”
“Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks I’m a liar.” “I don’t believe you.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a window.” “Where’s the pane?”
What time should you go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
“Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a bone.” “Are you choking?” “No, I’m telling the truth.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’m think I’m suffering from déjà vu.” “Didn’t I see you yesterday?”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a sheep.” “How do you feel?” “Baaaaaad.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards.” "I’ll deal with you later.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’m boiling” “Simmer down.”
“Doctor, doctor, when I press here my finger hurts. And here. And here. What do you think is wrong with me?” “You’re finger’s broken.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a vampire.” “Necks please.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a caterpillar.” “Don’t worry, you’ll soon change.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep forgetting things.” “When did this start?” “When did what start?”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a moth.” “Get out of my way, you’re in my light.”
“Doctor, doctor, I fel like a dog.” “Sit.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pin.” “I see your point.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a drill.” “How boring for you.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got strawberries growing out of my head,” “Here’s some cream for them.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman.” “Stay cool.”
Girl, “I’d love to be an actress.” Boy: “Break a leg then.” “Why?” "Because then you’ll be in a cast for weeks.”
“Doctor, doctor, my right leg hurts.” “I suspect it’s just old age.” “But my left leg doesn’t hurt and it’s just as old as my right one.”
Why did the angel go to the doctors? She thought she had harp failure
What is faster – hot or cold? Hot because you can catch a cold
“Doctor, doctor, I snore so loud I keep myself awake.” “Sleep in another room then.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a cash register.” “Come back later and tell me if there is any change.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing red and green spots.” “Have you seen an optician?” “No, just spots.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got carrots in my ears?” “How did that happen?” “I don’t know – I planted potatoes.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve broken my leg. What should I do? “Limp”
“Doctor, doctor, what are my chances of losing weight?” “Slim.”
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a bulb? Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change.
What is a chiropodist’s favorite song? “There’s No Business Like Toe Business.”
Why did the biscuit go to the doctors? It was feeling crummy
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’ve got Delhi belly.” “I expect it’s just India-gestion.”
What do surgeons do with their mistakes? Bury them
Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? It does if your aim is good enough
What do you get if someone hits you on the head with an axe? A splitting headache
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a dog.” ”How do you feel?” “Ruff.”
What do you call a woman with only one tooth? Peg
“Doctor, doctor, my sister thinks she is an elevator.” “Tell her to come and see me.” “I can’t. She doesn’t stop at this floor.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away
What is the cure for dandruff? Baldness
What was the name of the Scottish dentist? Phil McCavity
Doctor: “Stick your tongue out and say ‘aaaaarrrrgh’.” Patient: ‘Aaaaarrrrgh.’ Doctor: “Yuck, you’re not going to put that back in your mouth are you?
What two letters are bad for your teeth? D – K
“Doctor, doctor, I burned myself making pancakes.” “How waffle!”
“Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I’m a wheelbarrow.” “Don’t let them push you around.”
“Doctor, doctor, how can I make my cough better?” “Keep practicing.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me.” “Don’t both talk at once."
“Doctor, doctor, I keep painting myself gold.” “You have a gilt copmplex.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m an alligator.” “There’s no need to snap.”
“Doctor: “Have your eyes been checked?” Patient: “No, they have always been blue
“Doctor, doctor, my son has swallowed a bullet.” “Well don’t point him at me then.”
What do you call an anesthetist in a rabbit suit? The ether bunny
What do you call a doctor with eight arms? Doctopus
What do you call a roman emperor with flu? Julius Sneezer
What kind of teeth do you get for a dollar? Buck teeth
What do you say when the Statue of Liberty sneezes? God bless America
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve just been bitten by a werewolf.” “Did you put anything on it?” “No, he seemed to like it as it was.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a split personality.” “Sit down, both of you.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a tortoise.” “Don’t worry, we’ll soon have you out of your shell.”
What can run but can’t walk? Your nose
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
Why did the orange go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well
What did the judge say to the dentist? “Do you promise to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”
Why did the window see the doctor? It was having panes
How did the boy get Egyptian flu? He caught it from his mummy
How did the patient get to the hospital so fast? He flu
How many knees do you have? Four – your right knee, your left knee and two kid-knees
What did one eye say to the other? “Between you and me something smells.”
What did the doctor give the patient with a splitting headache? Glue
What do you call children’s knees? Kidneys
What do you call two doctors? Pair-a-medics
Why are false teeth like stars? They only come out at night
What did the dentist give to the brass band? A tuba toothpaste
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green
Doctor; “I’m afraid I can’t do anything about your condition - it’s hereditary.” Patient: “In that case, send the bill to my parents.” 

FUNNY FOOD 

What are apricots? Where baby monkeys sleep
Why did the coffee taste like mud? Because it was ground this morning
How do you make a lemon drop? Let go of it
Why did the potato go out with the mushroom? Because he was fungi to be with
Why do oranges cover themselves in suntan lotion? Because otherwise they peel
Which country has a very good appetite? Hungary
What do you get id you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
How do you make an apple turnover? Roll it down a hill
How did the girl drown in her bowl of muesli? She was pulled under by a strong currant
Why did the baker work so hard? He kneaded the dough
Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches
Why did the banana go out with the fig? Because he couldn’t find a date
What’s green on the outside and yellow on the inside? A banana disguised as a cucumber
Why are chefs cruel? Because they beat eggs, batter fish, and whip cream
What should you do if a gorilla joins your picnic? Give him the biggest bananas
“Waiter, waiter, this lobster only has one claw.” “It must have been in a fight, sir.” “Then bring me the winner!”
Where is the best place for button mushrooms? On a jacket potato
What do you get if you cross an orange with a comedian? Peels of laughter
“Waiter, waiter, will my pizza be long?” “No, it will be flat and round.”
“Waiter, waiter, why is my meringue all crushed?“ “You did ask me to step on it, sir.”
Why do toadstools grow so close together? They don’t need mushroom
What did one strawberry say to the other? “How did we get into this jam?”
What stays hot in the refrigerator? Mustard
“Waiter, waiter, this egg is bad.” “Don’t blame me, sir, I only laid the table.”
How do you mend a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch
How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a slope
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, we’ve lost our key!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast
What do you call a raspberry that’s been run over? A traffic jam
Waiter, waiter, bring me a snack and make it snappy!” “Here’s your crocodile sandwich, sir.”
What’s red, green, yellow and orange and wears boxing gloves? Fruit punch
Why did the restaurant owner hire some acrobats? He needed some tumblers on the table
Did Adam and Eve have a date? No, they had an apple
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake? Tarzipan
“Waiter, waiter! There’s a fly in the butter!” “Yes, sir, it’s a butter fly.”
What’s the difference between a nice young lady and a fresh loaf? One’s a well-bred maid and the other is well-made bread
What’s a fungi? A mushroom that likes having fun
How do you make a Mexican chilli? Send him to the North Pole
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Phil. Phil who? Phil this cup with coffee please
Why did the boy stare at the orange squash bottle? It said “Concentrate”
How can you spell candy with two letters? C and Y
Where did the lemonade take the cola? To a pop concert
“Waiter, waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.” “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know you were a vegetarian.”
What sort of cake can you eat in the bath? A sponge
Why did the banana refuse to fight the apple? Because it was yellow
What is red and cheeky? Tomato sauce
How do you make gold soup? Put 14 carots in it
Did you hear about the couple that called their baby Caffeine? It kept them awake all night
Why didn’t the banana snore? It didn’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch
What gives us milk but has only one horn? A milk truck
Which letter of the alphabet is also a vegetable? P
Which letter of the alphabet is also a drink? T
What word has only three letters but is longer than cat? Banana
What do you call stolen candy? Hot chocolate
What did the hamburger call his daughter? Patty
What happened to the laughing egg? It cracked up
What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley
What do you get if you add the circumference and diameter of a pumpkin? Pumpkin pi
How do you start a pudding race? Sago
Why was the boy who had the cake upset? Because it was a stomach cake
Why was the butcher worried? His job was at steak
Which artist invented fizzy pop? Lemonado da Vinci
Which Russian leader was round and purple? Alexander the Grape
Which building is made from bread, cheese and tomatoes? The Leaning Tower of Pizza
What do you get if you eat onions and baked beans? Tear gas
What do you get if you cross a biscuit with a tuxedo? A smart cookie
Why are eggs overrated? Because they’re not all they’re cracked up to be
Which vegetables do you find in the toilet? Peas and leeks
Which vitamin tastes of salt? Vitamin C
Why didn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? It was on a roll
Why did the pickle stay in bed? He felt dill
What pie can fly? A magpie
What prayer should you say before eating your salad? Lettuce pray
Why do the French eat snails? They don’t like fast foods
What do you call a pickle that draws? A dillustrator
What do you call five bottles of cola? A pop group
What do you call a rich melon? A melon-aire
What do you call fake spaghetti? Impasta
What do you call a rifle with three barrels? A trifle
What was the name of the man who went to the party dressed as a sandwich? Roland Butter
What do you call a peeled potato? Spuddy in the nuddy
Why did the apple cry? Its peelings were hurt
Where do you learn how to make ice cream? Sundae school
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it
What does a vegetarian waiter earn? A celery
Why did the boy think his clock was hungry? It went back four seconds
What did the pickle say when it wanted to play cards? “Dill me in.”
What do you get when two bananas meet? Banana shake
If a butcher is six foot tall, what does he weigh? Meat
How do you stop milk from turning sour? Keep it in the cow
Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? To get a jam filling
How do you spell hard water using only three letters? Ice
“Waiter, waiter, is there soup on the menu? “Yes sir, but I can wipe it off for you if you like.”
“Waiter, has the chef got pig’s feet?” “I don’t know sir, he’s wearing shoes.”
“Waiter, waiter, your thumb’s in my soup.” “It’s alright, sir, it’s not hot.”
What do you call a lazy baker? A loafer
Who wrote a book called “The 30 Stone Lady”? Aida Lott
Why didn’t the hotdog star in the movie? The roll wasn’t good enough
Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table? She was on a crash diet
What begins with T, ends in T, and if filled with tea? A teapot
What month is good on toast? Jam-uary
Why was the tomato red? Because it saw the salad dressing
Which vitamin helps your eyes? Vitamin C
What do you get when you cross your dinner with a necklace? A food chain
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeing crummy
What did the chef name his son? Stew
What candy is never on time? Choco-late
What are two things you don’t eat for lunch? Breakfast and dinner
Why is Swiss cheese served at church? Because it’s holey
What did the girl do after drinking eight sodas? She burped seven up
Which nut sounds like a sneeze? A cashew
What did the sweet potato say to Popeye? “I yam what I yam.”
What country does sugar come from? Sweeten
What’s the difference between the sun and bread? The sun rises from the east and bread rises from the yeast
Where would you find salad in a clothes shop? In the dressing room
Why were the strawberries upset? Because they were in a jam
What room has no walls, windows, floors or ceilings? A mushroom
Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? She was tired of raisin kids
Why didn’t the two foursomes want any dinner? They already eight
“Waiter, this soup tastes funny.” “Then why aren’t you laughing?”
Did you hear about the fight in the chip shop? Two fish got battered
Did you hear the secret about the butter? I won’t tell you – you might spread it
What did the gum say to the shoe? “I’m stuck on you.”
What do ghosts put in their bagels? Scream cheese
What is green and makes holes? A drill pickle
What is the best thing to put in a pie? Your teeth
What kind of soup never gets hot? Chilli soup
What is a pretzel’s favorite dance? The twist
Why did the boy put peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam
What is the most musical part of a turkey? The drumstick
What vegetable is essential to music? The beet
What do you call a frozen policewoman? A cop-sicle
Which hero lives in a bowl? Souperman
What did one egg say to another? “Let’s get cracking.”
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He needed some cold, hard cash
What did one plate say to the other? “Lunch is on me.”
Who serves ice cream faster than a speeding bullet? Scooperman
What did the snowman eat for breakfast? Snowflakes
Why is it a bad idea to write on an empty stomach? Because it’s much better to write on paper
When can you put pickles in a door? When it’s ajar
What did the grape do when it got trodden on? Let out a little wine
What do you call a woman with a food mixer on her head? Belinda
What did the madman walk along? The psycho-path 

REVOLTING JOKES

“Waiter, waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup.” “Oh no! Who’s going to look after his family?”
“Waiter, waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.” “Don’t worry, the spider in your roll will get it.”
What happened to the comedian who performed for a bunch of cannibals? He went down well
Why did the baker’s hands smell? Because he kneaded a poo
“Waiter, waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.” “Yes sir, beetles are terrible swimmers.”
What did the cockroach say to the beetle? “Stop bugging me.”
What do you say when your nose goes on strike? Picket
What is a cannibal’s favorite food? Baked beings
What did the cannibal say when he was full? “I couldn’t eat another mortal.”
What did the cannibal have for breakfast? Buttered host
Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people
What did the cannibal say to the explorer? “Nice to eat you.”
What’s thick, black, and shouts rude words? Crude oil
What’s thick, black and says “Please excuse me”? Refined oil
What’s the hardest part about sky diving? The ground
What did the bath say to the toilet? “You look flushed!”
What do you call the pink bits between a shark’s teeth? Slow swimmers
What did the best man at the cannibal wedding do? Toasted the bride and groom
What’s red and stupid? A blood clot
What are cannibal’s favorite cookies? Chocolate fingers
Why don’t cannibals eat weathermen? They give them wind
What did the cannibal make of his new neighbor? Casserole
What is a cannibal’s favorite game? Swallow the leader
What is the best way to stop acid indigestion? Don’t drink acid
What do you call an American with a lavatory on his head? John
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives? He liked to chop and change
Why didn’t the cannibal have any friends? He kept having them for lunch
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny
Why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet? He was looking for Pooh
What do you call a man with a lorry on his head? Dead
What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head? Lulu
What nut do you find in the toilet? Pee-nut
My brother was made upside down! His nose runs and his feet smell.
What’s old, pink and wrinkled and belongs to grandma? Grandpa
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? Doughnut go in the toilet, it stinks!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe flush the toilet please?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? I’m Colin. I’m Colin who? I’m Colin the doctor because I’ve got the runs.
What do hangmen read? Noose papers
What happened to the thief who stole some prunes? He was on the runs for weeks
How do poops greet each other? How do you do-do
Why did the cannibal join the police force? He liked to grill suspects
Did you hear the joke about the cesspit? It takes a while to sink in
What happened to the man who lit a match by a gas leak? He rests in pieces
“Do you lie warts?” “No”. “Don’t worry, they’ll grow on you.”
Why did the lady cannibal join the dating agency? She wanted to meet edible bachelors
What did the executioner do with his pen and paper? Wrote his chopping list
What’s green and fluffy? A seasick kitten
What do you find up your nose? Fingerprints
Did you hear about the man who was so fat, when he stepped on the scales they said, “To be continued?”
What did the cannibal call the man in the hammock? Breakfast in bed
What is Beethoven doing in his grave? De-composing
What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? Ruthless
What do they call pastors in Germany? German shepherds
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down
Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? Moses. He broke all the commandments
Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? The area around Jordan because the banks were always overflowing
Who was the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? David because he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep
Which Bible character had no parents? Joshua, son of Nun
Why didn’t they play cards on the ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck